security memo: Green slimy stuff comming out of the 3rd floor broom cupboard, section Red Dwarf, should not be touched - [insert name],[insert department, eg Living Slime Project]. personal memo: Hi everyone, i've just poisoned the water [annotated version of file from archives]. board memo: I think its time to fire all those extra junior accountants. Reply: including the ones who look like Mr Darcy, Frodo and Hugh Jackman? Reply: erm.... Reply: how about, we fire them but don't tell sam? Reply: how about you fire them and not tell sam, jenny, justine and the rest of the board????? Reply: Good point. Reply: of course we could always get An Yi to tell them. Reply: Why An Yi? Reply: Erm...because if she tells them, then we can run away faster? Reply: Good point. [2 unidentified board members]

Agony Aunts

Dear Morris, I'm having problems with my boyfriend, he just doesn't want to see me anymore. He won't come out during the day, he's really pale, has developed an allergy to garlic and is eating turnips for no reason. I'm allergic to the very sight of turnips. Is this the end of my relationship??? Terribly Depressed.

Dear Terribly Depressed,

You have problems and your boyfriend has "issues". I'd reccomend giving him a romantic gift such as 40SPF suncreen and perhaps you could dress up as a turnip. Just as long as you don't go near mirrors, you'll never notice. But make sure you are blindfolded and have help getting into the costume first. Also why is his allergy to garlic a problem? You could always substitute normal garlic for the new genetically modified oudorless garlic (which we have nothing to do with and are not endorsing in any way). Of course there's also he's paleness. There's nothing really wrong with it, however you could always add a romantic bottle of self tanning lotion to that sunscreen or better yet, mix the two together!!! Just make sure they don't react into some nasty chemical which could burn off his skin. But odorless garlic should help as it would stop the chemical reactions...how do we know? ...*ahem* i mean, how do i know?...old wives tale. Odourless garlic should also help your depression, after all you'll want your boyfriend to see your bright smile while in that turnip costume.

Mr Morris Fluffy.