1. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. -- Steven Wright (141)

2. Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot Charlie Chaplin

3. I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. -- Steven Wright (38)

4.I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

5. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright (65)

6. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright (304)

6. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? -- Steven Wright (200)

7. Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

8.I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

9.What's another word for Thesaurus?

10.I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

11.One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

12. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. -- Steven Wright (247)

13.I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." -- Steven Wright (297)

14.I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

15.They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...

16. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

17.Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

18.When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

19.It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

20.If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

21.Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

22.All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

23.Iff I wasn't so suicidal I'd be scared right now --------------------------------------------------------------------------------