Date: Apr. 26, 2006
X
You are not loved
You are scarred and scared and perhaps forgotten
He or she and never you
You are stuck in that space that is not the middle,
Not touching or asking to be touched or thought of, just to be loved
Loved and you don't need appreciation, just acknowledgement.

Four steps forward and five steps to the side and this isn't a dream
It's not a nightmare, either, just the reality and that's worse than anything
Anything that he or she could do but you don't know this
This chattering in your ear, in your head and lead us not into manipulation
But forgive us our lust Though no one will lust for us but I'm sure they could use some forgiveness.

They tell you it's time, time to
forget it all now
The scent of her hair and the colour of his eyes
It does not matter to you and it sure as hell doesn't matter to the rest of the world
And if you need to talk, hire a therapist because we've got our own problems to deal with, thank you very much.

What is your answer when I ask you
Do you have friends or family or another personality to spill your secrets to?
Hard to comprehend loss and abandonment when you're on the wrong side, isn't it?
Read the books and watch all the movies and one day you'll understand.
Understand that they never really cared, either of them, and wasn't that a bit naive of you, anyway?
X
Your too thin face, drenched in sweat and tears
Hot summer wind as the heat rises from the pavement like something real, something living and sentient and tangible, ready to engulf you.
Manifestation of grief stalking through the bayou, one foot in front of the other
One tragedy won't affect anything but you or your heart
Mass of flesh and muscle and blood running and pumping and it has about as much emotion as the pavement
Maybe less.
Sitting out on the porch swing, Listening to the chain and rope and wood as it squeaks and complains under the weight of all of these
Suicidal tendencies that will never carry through to the end
You just like the pain, the attention and red's always been your favourite colour
It's never quiet in this part of the city.

See the cartoons through a haze of passion, a haze of blood Sing along because no one's paying attention to you, curled up on the ratty old sofa
Cooler inside but darker, too
More shadows to hide in and stay in the light, the dark has teeth and it'll eat you alive
Hands clasped over your chest
Amen. Amen. Amen.
X
Picture this.
There is a beautiful woman, dark hair and darker eyes
She is sitting at a table and she always did like red wine
You offered her a glass and you both drank from the same goblet
Smoke stains on your side, lipstick stains on hers
The glass was shattered in the fight and it was paramount that you put it back together.
Now she is smiling, laughing politely and you always were the only one that could break her down
Down into the elemental bits and pieces, drag her down into the dirt and blood that's sticky and metallic instead of beautiful and enthralling
Made her real and rough and human-­
Now she is none of that.
She sits with another, trading coy smiles and credit card numbers
And she is happy.

Frame the picture in your mind, keep it safe and protected with the others in the room with the locked door
Do not revisit it.

There is a man
Remember the way he laughed in your face and how badly you wanted to kiss the smirk from his lips
Remember how he kicked you to the curb
Abandoned you in what was not your darkest hour
Remember when he told you to leave, leave the anger and joy behind you
He would only love you if you did not love.
X
Ten seconds or ten years and you haven't moved from this spot
Drink all the alcohol ten times over and you'll take ten sugars in your coffee because
Noone likes you that sweet.
I mean it more than you know when I say I want to die
Want to fly high up there and have a sun bath with Jesus up on Mount Olympus while Anubis watches on
So don't forget to wave when I float away and you're stuck, drinking down every last drop to get your money's worth
And always remember
You're weak and afraid and small and sick
And you are not loved.

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