Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."
How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
A What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say "Fuck"?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo".
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairy tale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.