"Yes Ming... it's just half of it..." Sandra Miller replied as she took a step away from Ming Chow, standing uneasily by herself as she did so, "Look at my hands, Ming... Can't you see anything wrong with them?"

"Sandra?" Ming asked, now feeling confused. Her hands just looked the same as any other's, albeit more delicate and...

"Can't you?" Sandra asked again, this time almost pleading in her tone.

"No Sandra, I can't see anything..." Ming replied as he looked into her eyes, now devoid of life and cheerfulness she once had. As if she had seen Hell itself and was reliving it, again and again...

"Can't you see the blood?" Sandra asked as she looked at her own hands, which began to shake visibly as she did so, "Can't you see all the blood in my hands? All the blood that's cursed me forever?"

"Sa... Sandra?" Ming replied shakily, as he felt chills up his own spine. This was truly scaring him now. What sort of atrocity had she seen? What have we...

"Can't you see it, Ming?" Sandra asked again as she took a step towards Ming and showed him her hands, tears now welling up from her eyes as she did so...

"Sandra, no I can't..." Ming replied as he took her hand and squeezed it tightly, wishing that it would... reassure her... "I can't see any blood... What do you mean? What are you saying?"

"The blood of the one I killed..." Sandra answered as she pulled her hand from Ming's grasp, "The one I killed when I was so consumed with hate and... and..."

Finally, it was just too much. Too much for her own soul to bear. Her voice cracked up completely, and her knees gave way. She collapsed onto the floor, and began to sob, noisily, not wanting to stop. Wishing that somebody would just send her to Hell like she felt she deserved. And...

And then a pair of arms wrapped themselves around her. A pair of kind, caring arms. Arms like Smith's. But...

"Sandra, enough..." Ming comforted firmly as he sat down on the floor and hugged her tightly, "Stop ripping yourself apart for..."

"No Ming..." Sandra replied as her tears grew worst, "I have to finish this. Because if I don't, I can't ever face any of them again. I can't ever show my face to Smith. For throwing away their gift to me and used it instead to kill..."

"Sandra?" Ming asked, now feeling as if he had once again lost track of what had happened.

"You see, Ming..." Sandra continued as she pulled away slightly, to let them see each other face to face, "Smith gave up his seat in the last shuttle so that I could escape. He gave his own life, as did everybody else I loved... So I could live... And I could never forgive myself for that..."

"Sandra, it's not your fault..." Ming pleaded, "It's..." Ming started before he stopped himself. But the uncomfortable thought had already entered in his mind: It's our fault. Not hers.

"Ming... just let me finish, please?" Sandra asked as she saw Ming's demeanor begin to crack. Perhaps he did have hope... And the same was true for her as well... But only perhaps...

"Alright..." Ming replied as he took a deep breath and nodded. He resolved to let her finish, no matter how much it tore through him or his long-held beliefs. It was for the kind, gentle side of her, who had cared for him so much, despite all the pain she had suffered...

"Thank you..." Sandra replied sincerely as she took a deep breathe, before going on once again, her voice barely able to keep itself from cracking up again, "You see, after they died, all I had left was my grief. And from that grief, I began to ask why. And when no one could answer, I had only one thing left: hate."

Hate? Ming thought but did not say outloud. No... she wasn't capable of such a thing... she wasn't...

"So I signed up in the Army... To avenge those I loved. But the Army wouldn't let me be a soldier. They needed doctors more. So I became a medic. One who was still sworn to save lives and not to take them..."

"But I still wanted to strike back. To make those who destroyed my home and killed all those I loved feel the same pain as I did. And one day, when I was serving in Europe... I finally got my chance..."

Oh... Oh God... Ming thought as he solemnly listened to her words. She didn't. She couldn't have. Not a person like her. It wasn't possible...

"It was a bloody day. Forty-seven men died on our side that day, many more from your side by my count. But I wasn't satisfied. So I picked up a gun from a fallen soldier and aimed at the fleeing Zeon troops. And I fired. And again... and again..."

"And then, one of them fell. And that, was when I lost my soul..." Sandra finished as she looked down on the floor. Wanting to tell what happened next, but still feeling the pain of the events of three years past...

"Sandra, look..." Ming started as he saw Sandra's sudden silence, "You've saved far more lives. It was just one, it wouldn't have..."

"Ming, don't you understand?" Sandra countered, "It doesn't matter if you killed one or a hundred. All that matters is that you've stopped caring about the life of another person..."

"Sandra, it was a war," Ming replied firmly, "People aren't supposed to care for the lives of their enemies..."

"Ming, have you personally known anybody that you killed?" Sandra suddenly asked.

Ming felt uncomfortable at the question. Because it seemed as if she knew the answer. That he didn't know any of them. That he just treated them like targets to be eliminated...

"Have you Ming?" Sandra repeated.

"No..." was his honest reply.

"Because I did..." Sandra continued, "They brought in the guy I shot the next day. He was still alive. But he was dying... Dying so painfully... and..."

And once again, the pain came crashing back. It was so much, and ripped her apart so completely, that she finally couldn't speak anymore. Instead, she let herself fall into Ming's arms, who unhesitatingly helped keep her from falling to the floor completely. Then she began to cry once again. This time quietly. This time looking as if she wished she was dead.

And for a long while, the two of them sat together silently, neither willing to say another word. Until finally, one of them had the courage to speak again.

"His name was Joachim..." Sandra finally managed to start again, "He... he was such a kind person... He didn't even mind that I shot him... He said that it was a war, and it wasn't my fault... He said that it was his fault because it was his country that started the war and... and..."

"He was so much like Smith... His eyes were so kind... The type that would never hurt anyone, even if it was his own life that was at stake... And... and also... there was one last thing..."

Ming tightened his grip around Sandra. Trying to give her strength as he took in all that she told him. And feeling... guilt. Real guilt.

"He was engaged. He was engaged with his childhood friend. He asked her on New Years Day..." Sandra continued before she looked away, "All he could think about was how sad she would be if he died. He thought of her even as he finally slipped into unconsciousness, and died..."

"Like Ukiya..." Ming remembered. But that time, that... sniper had spared him and allowed him to return home. No wonder that she was now so...

"After the war... I tried to find her fiancée. To say how sorry I was... But she was so racked by grief that she killed herself. She loved him that much... she loved him so much that she was willing to give up her own life so that they might be together in the afterlife..."

"Sandra..." Ming started, deciding to step in, "I know... that it must feel terrible. But he was right. It was a war. You couldn't have..."

"Ming, do you know what was her name?" Sandra suddenly asked.

"Sandra, it isn't important..." Ming replied, "You should concentrate more on..."

"Her name was the same was mine. Her name was Sandra..." Sandra interrupted as she looked up onto the ceiling, while the shock of this extraordinary coincidence was absorbed by Ming, "And then I realized that all I did was just made another copy of myself. I made her go through all of the pain that I've suffered... Of all the lost I had to go through... When they never should have... When they should have been living the life I've always wanted to have with Smith..."

And with that, Ming was left speechless. No... it couldn't be... They were monsters... They killed my family... I'm not a monster. I didn't become like what I thought them to be... It was for justice. I'm not the one who made orphaned sons and daughters... Of widows... Of broken lovers... Of grieving parents...

And then, the sight of his reflection suddenly came back in his mind. His reflection, in which he saw himself as a monster. It couldn't be... But...

"And Ming, because of that I've been cursed..." Sandra concluded, "Because of that I could never face all those I loved. No matter how much I try, the blood will never be off my hands, and even if they forgive me, I can't ever forgive myself... For making another person suffer like me, when the suffering was mine alone to begin with. All I can ever do now is to try to make up for the things I've done. Even if... if I'll have to do it for all eternity... Without any hope of seeing them ever again..."

"That's why I didn't turn you in, Ming," Sandra continued, "I guess I wanted to redeem your soul in the hopes of redeeming mine. But it wasn't right. I was just being selfish. I was just using you and didn't really care about..."

"No, you did," Ming suddenly interrupted firmly as he hugged her even more tightly, as though never wanting to let her go, "You did care about me. You cared enough that I was going through the same thing as you did. You cared enough to do something, even if I was part of the cause of your current grief and pain..."

"Ming..." Sandra started as she tried to pull away from Ming, wanting him to stop...

"And you know what..." Ming continued without heed as he released Sandra from his grip slightly, to let them see face to face once again, "You shouldn't feel so bad about yourself. I've never met anyone who has a purer heart than yours... I've never met anybody who could care for others so much... And... I think... I..."

"Ming... stop..." Sandra pleaded before Ming could finish, fearing what he would say next...

"Sandra..." Ming continued with a sigh, "I don't know if I'm the one who'll be able to let you feel that you've redeemed yourself. You're a doctor, your job is to save lives. I'm a soldier, my job is to take them. We're on other side of the equation. However... I do know that... I can try... I can try to learn from what you've thought me... And maybe someday..."

"Ming... Are you trying to say that you've fallen for me?" Sandra suddenly asked.

"Oh ****..." Ming thought as Sandra hit the mark. What now? How could he say that to her in the first place? Especially after just knowing what happened to her... especially after knowing what his country and beliefs had cost her. But all that she had said had just made him admire and... feel for her all the more... to care for her all the more. To swear to himself that he'd never let anybody hurt her ever again. Up to the point that he now...

"Yes..." Ming answered, unconsciously and hesitatingly, but filled only with the deepest sincerity. He did love her. And that was followed by a thought that he thought he could never think of: And I don't care if she was on the other side. When it came to her, screw the Zabis. Screw Zeon.

"Ming... I'm sorry..." Sandra suddenly muttered in reply as she began to pull away from Ming... trying to get away...

"Sandra?" Ming asked as he began to follow...

"I still love him, Ming..." Sandra suddenly declared as she showed him Smith's picture once again, "I always had. And I always will. Even... even if I knew there isn't anything after death, I would still love him... Because..."

"Sandra..." Ming started.

"I gave him my heart, and he gave me his. And we became both one and two, now and forever..." Sandra finished as she took a full regretful step away from Ming, knowing that she had now irrevocably inflicted a terrible wound on Ming. A wound that might never heal... "And there will never be room in my heart for another..."

And then, there was only silence. Silence as two pairs of eyes looked into each other deeply. Both searching for each other's thoughts, each other's feelings. Not knowing which side was actually hurt more...

Until finally, Ming sighed, and then followed it with a defeated smile. He had expected it, he reflected. Especially considering who he was and where he was from. And he understood. Despite the pain still throbbing in his heart.

A pain that was also being felt by Sandra, but for different reasons. She felt guilty once again. Because she never should have lied to him. She never should have let him get so close to her... knowing that she had already chosen the only one in her life. But she did want to care for him. She did want him to realize what his hate could bring if he didn't realize it...

"I understand..." Ming suddenly spoke outloud as his face became more solemn, "I'm sorry, I never should have..."

"No, I lied to you..." Sandra replied, "I'm the one at fault... I..."

"No, you aren't at fault," Ming countered firmly, "After hearing what you told me, I should have known I would hurt you with what I've said. Especially since I've already cost you so much trouble... especially with Jake and the others... So now I have to..."

"Are you going, Ming?" Sandra asked suddenly as she felt a sudden chill up her spine. He wasn't thinking of going off again... and becoming a monster again...

"I'm sorry..." Ming replied with a sigh, not knowing anymore if he really wanted to do his duty or merely to run away. However... "But I will promise you this: If I manage to live through this, I'll be back. And then, maybe..."

"Ming, don't go back to killing..." Sandra pleaded, "If you do, you might just regret it for the rest of your life..."

"It'll be the last one Sandra," Ming promised solemnly as he looked away and began to pace towards the stairs, "With all the blood in MY hands, a few more wouldn't matter anymore..."

"Ming, damn it..." Sandra started as she motioned towards Ming. Damn it. He hasn't learned anything yet... He still doesn't realize how valuable life is... He still...

"Sandra, no more, please..." Ming asked as he turned around to face her for the last time for the night, "We'll be gone in the morning..."
-----------------------------

"If anybody wants me, it'll have to wait until the morning," Sylvie Greisser moaned as she entered the temporary barracks and felt sore from head to toe. The pain did keep her from thinking much though, she reflected, which was good. Thinking often resulted in a pain that was far more deep. She quickly found herself a sleeping bag and collapsed right on top of it, and fell sound asleep.

On the other corner of the barracks however, another officer was still wide-awake, looking up at the ceiling above him, despite the enormous fatigue he was feeling as well. It was Jin.
-----------------------------

"Well... Ming..." Jake started as Ming joined them on the second floor.

"Say anything, and I'll cut your tongue off," Ming interrupted venomously before they could start any uncomfortable conversations about Sandra, "Picton needs a hospital. We have to find one that's willing to treat him without turning us in."

"I doubt we'll find it here..." Jake replied quietly, piqued by Ming's remark, "The colony will probably be locked down by tomorrow, and the hospital will be heavily guarded. We'll have to get out of the colony, maybe even out of the Side, to find a safe place for him..."

"So, any escape plans?" Ming inquired, straight to the point.

"We had one. One that could've gotten us all the way to Axis," Horton answered, "But now it's gone all to hell. However..."

"However?" Ming continued on impatiently.

"Have you ever seen a Helium 3 Carrier?"

Notice: This story and all related material is copyrighted by Thomas E. "Zinegata" Ting, no part of this story may be taken by any other person. If you wish to use any material, please contact me first. Gundam and all related trademarks are owned by their respective companies.