Episode Three:
Bondage She Wrote
Above a lovely green and blue planet a spaceship hovers. It is rather shaky, vibrating shockingly as it slowly descends on the planet. It moves about violently in the turbulence of the upper atmosphere of the planet.
"Gees," Woozlewazza said, "I can't believe that was fourteen million years. It felt as if it was only a few minutes."
The others concurred briefly but each seemed to have something else on their minds. Lesley and Fiona were rather deeply involved with each other. Woozlewazza and Iggy could do little but watch on and enjoy the show that was being performed for them.
Iggy was swaying wildly, singing the tune to 'Neunzehn hundert Luftballoons' with a terrible amount of poetic license.
"Neunzehn hundert Luftballoons, I've got something like a spoon. With Oranges they also are. Neunzehn hundert Luftballoons."
"What the hell ith wrong with him?" Lesley asked.
"Ah, I believe that the Guinness may have got to him," Woozlewazza replied. "It was a lot to hold for a small lizard."
Woozlewazza watched the lizard and images, thoughts flicked through his mind. He remembered the days when he would, usually twenty two hours of the day, be in a similar state to this. He could recall when he had drunk sixteen kegs in one day helped only by his dog which he had forced to drink the alcohol. The dog had later frothed at the mouth, sang a few show tunes such as "Diamonds are a girl’s best friend" and "Anything Goes", before eating a kilo of hotdogs and exploding.
Poor Pussy, Woozlewazza thought, remembering the name of the dog. He abandoned this thought curtly and watched Iggy’s antics once more. The lizard was presently dancing to the song "One", from the musical "A Chorus Line".
Ah, he knew that he had done that at least once before. The memories flooded him. Alcohol. He knew the word, he knew that it meant more to him at a past time. But why? How? Who cares!
He crash tackled the lizard. "Give me some of that beer!" he screamed insanely.
"Wha-at?" Iggy inquired.
The lizard was obviously beyond helping him, so Woozlewazza approached the panel and searched for the word Guinness. When he had found it he pressed the appropriate button and the glorious gold box rose once more from the floor. There was the wonderful singing and the music and Woozlewazza pounced on the box, taking from it the bottle of Guinness.
Quickly he sculled it. For a moment it seemed that this was all in vain as nothing happened. But then he felt dizzy, the walls swayed and the spectre of Louis the 14th, beheaded and all, caught him by alarm.
"Woozlewazza," the dead french king yelled.
"Wh-a-art?" Woozlewazza replied, annoyed at the disturbance.
"You have found your way back I see. Yes you have abandoned the curse that is sobriety and have turned once again to the glory and harmless folly that is inebriation." Louis held his head in his hands, resting it comfortably on the seat his body went for a walk around the room.
"Remember Woozlewazza, you must keep it so. It is a blessing to drink with your fellow man, it is natural. You know Woozlewazza there are only six drunks separating you from everyone in the universe. You know a drunk who knows a drunk, who knows another drunk, who incidentally also knows a drunk, who knows someone else. So you are connected to everyone in the universe. This is the wonderment and the beauty of this excellent substance.
"Drink up, young Woozlewazza! For this is a gift, and you and your kind shall hold together universe by consuming alcohol. Remember this!" Louis’ body returned, collected his head and walked through the wall.
Woozlewazza tried to follow, resulting in a large thud and Woozlewazza lying on the floor, clutching his head.
"Get up!" Lesley cried. "Just becauthe you thaw Louis 14th, is no reathon to try and walk through the wall!"
"You saw him too!"
"Well, yeth, and I took what he thaid to heart. It’th you and me Woozy boy, that will hold the univerthe together!"
"Whoa, what a kick!" Woozlewazza thought for a moment. "This is a real big gig."
"Not really, all we have to do ith drink!"
"Sweet . . ." Woozlewazza drooled uncontrollably.
Iggy suddenly rose from his fit of the floor, grasping the edge of the seat for support. "You came out of that quick," Lesley remarked.
"Yes, well us iguanas are known for suffering from symptoms of drunkenness for only a short amount of time."
"Impressive."
"Anyway, we must land now, the ship is ready."
"You know," Woozlewazza said carefully. "Earth looks different form the last time I saw it."
"Yeah well, it would have changed a bit in fourteen million years," Iggy suggested.
"It would take about a billion years for it to change that much!"
"Just accept it biped man!"
"Whatever. I just didn’t think that it had a continent shaped like Buick."
That let this strange thing pass, and sat in their seats as the ship lowered further still into the atmosphere.
Upon a large hill, a woman sits . . .
Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench, looked up surprised. There was a ship about to land, a few hundred metres away. She watched it with a dull curiosity and when it had found its place on the ground, got up and waddled over to find out whether they would like some pie.
"There is no f#$king way . . ." someone had begun as Katie approached. "That I am ever going to do that again. Space travel is definitely out of the question!" The voice was that of a man, speech slightly slurred.
Katie waited patiently at the door of the craft, hearing voices and sounds from inside. An odd accent could be heard, complaining about something called a ‘Guinness’. Katie became suddenly excited that she would be meeting such strange and new and interesting people.
Hiss, frmpf, perkl, leph. The door opened. From the door stepped first a short woman in rather shabby attire. Her grin frightened Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench and she was about to turn and run when the woman began to giggle madly. "Gee gee gee." It was the strangest and most pathetic laugh that Katie had ever heard, and thinking that she could find joy in laughing at someone else rather than being laughed at, she stuck around.
"Hello!" Katie said to the woman. "Where are you from?"
"Gee gee gee," Lesley replied, before being carelessly knocked aside by Woozlewazza, bolting furiously from the door of the craft, unable to stand its confines any longer.
"Who the hell are you!?!" Woozlewazza asked.
"I am Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench, I come in peace with pie."
"Freak," Woozlewazza muttered. "I am Woozlewazza, I come from Earth, which is here of course. The idiot on the ground is ah . . . Liesl, or something."
"Gee gee gee," Lesley added to the conversation. "I am Lethley, I am an alcoholic lethbian." Fiona emerged from the vehicle, blinking in bewilderment. "And this is Fiona." Lesley drooled rather uncontrollably.
"Fi-o-na," Fiona commented.
"Aha," Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench replied, somewhat bemused.
"And I am Iggy!" There was that accent that she had heard, but she couldn’t see where it was coming from.
"Ah, who are you? Where are you?"
"Down here," Iggy cried, irritated.
"Oh . . . err," Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench said, on spying Iggy. "What are you?"
"I am Iggy, the Irish Iguana, and I’d counsel you to respect that!"
"The Irish Iguana?"
"Yes! You don’t think that there would be many Iguanas in Ireland do you?"
"I wouldn’t know, I have never heard of this place you call Ireland."
The others looked at each other, wondering what could have happened to Ireland. Iggy gave Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench a confused look.
"Never heard of Ireland? Indeed! Where on Earth have you been hiding?"
"Where . . . is Earth?" Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench asked inquisitively. The others became slightly worried then. Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench beamed with irritating friendliness, being generally jolly. "Well, how about a pie then?"
"We don’t want your stupid pies woman! Tell me, what planet is this?"
"Why, it is Plagno Beta 9!"
"What!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" Iggy screamed. "How could they have given Earth such a dreadful name?"
"Oh no!" Woozlewazza screamed. "I think this isn’t Earth."
"What are you talking about, you stupid biped. It has to be Earth, the computer was set to wake us up when we reached Earth!"
"Yes, but Plagno Beta 9 is a planet in the same Solar system as Squa!"
"Oh, f#$k it!" the small lizard complained.
Back in the Spaceship . . .
Panagiotis squealed with glee. "Ha ha ha, fools! I have brought upon them my ultimate vengeance. And with my new power I will strive and I will conquer!"
Panagiotis leaped excitedly toward the panel of buttons. His eyes gleamed with pure wickedness. "Now, where to!? Shall I return home and try to rekindle my acting career? Or will I go somewhere more exciting?" He mused over the questions for a moment, before pressing a few buttons and setting a course for his return to Squa. He looked at the door which was still slightly ajar. He ran quickly to close it.
Back Outside . . .
"Hey! What’s goin’ on here then!?!" Iggy spat, noticing the door slam shut. "Who the f#$k is in there now!?"
The ship began to rumble and shake. "F#$k it!" Woozlewazza exclaimed. They all ran away, leaving room for the vehicle. It continued to shake and omitted a terribly loud sound before all noise an movement ceased for a short while. Then the craft took off at a wild pace, shooting into the sky.
"What the hell?!?" Lesley began.
"Fi-o-na," Fiona said.
"How the hell did that happen, then you stupid lizard?" Woozlewazza asked.
"I don’t know, I . . . don’t understand. Unless the ship computer landed us here for some reason and then continued on its original course. I just don’t . . ."
"Well look who has fucked it up now then!" Woozlewazza said in his best macho obnoxious voice. "Mr. High-and-mighty Lizard with a screwy Irish accent and a dominating penchant for Guinness, which drives him to make drastic mistakes, resulting in an unfortunate isolation of a small group of people on a disgustingly small and pithy planet (albeit directly proportionate to Earth) where there are no freaking normal people (of the one that we have already met), but just a few mind-numbingly dull and boring pie-selling wenches!!!!!!!!!!!"
Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench smiled at this, oblivious to everything. Lesley giggled, making disapproving glares at Iggy in between, Fiona practiced saying her name and Woozlewazza seethed with hostility.
"Hey it aint my fault!"
This was not a very effective argument. And the lizard was picked up by the throat and swung around several times. Woozlewazza eventually put him down when he felt a strange feeling in his stomach, and decided that he needed to run away somewhere and vomit.
"Can’t hold yer drink, eh?" Iggy called, dizzied by Woozlewazza’s violence. The hostility settled down when everyone gradually became curious about this new planet that they had come to.
Three hours later, the group gathers at the centre of a town . . .
"This is a totally wacko, psycho, retro middle Ages, psychedelic, confusing place," Woozlewazza observed. "They have some way freaky customs here."
"I don’t know, it theems rather normal to me. Gee gee gee," Lesley said. Just then a naked man riding a horse rode past, spraying the crowd, whose mouths were held wide open, with the blood of some animal, presumably the dead one that was slung over his shoulder.
"Ahah, you call that normal?!?!"
"Well, in South Australia perhaps . . ."
Woozlewazza approached Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench. He calmly smiled at her, using as much of his charm as was possible. "So, Katie, ah . . ." The woman was clearly pleased at the close proximity the man held to her. "So, what is the . . . ah, well what the the f#$king problem with this place!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
"Problem?"
"Yes, problem, you guys are freaking me out, what is with all the blood and the nudity and the fire walking and the summoning of spirits and the public displays of kinky sex, which I would like to point out at this time that I am not strictly opposed to . . ." Wooozlewazza paused. "What was a I saying? Ah, yes, what is the deal with all the weirdness?"
"Weirdness? No it is perfectly normal, it is part of our culture."
"You know on Squa we were perfectly happy just watching porn, we didn’t make it into a religion!"
"But it was not us that chose this religion, it was the great overseer. She who is above, she who solves all problems."
"Your God?"
"Yes, our God, Jessica Fletcher!"
Woozlewazza considered this for a moment and decided that it was quite an odd name for a god.
"Jethica Fletcher?" Lesley squealed "I love her!"
"You know their God?"
"Yes, Jethica Fletcher, she was a character on TV. Didn’t you ever thee Murder She Wrote?"
"Girl, I haven’t been to Earth in a long time!"
"Well, Jethica Fletcher was a detective woman in a thow called Murder She Wrote. But why is their God the character and not the actress?!"
"Angela Lansbury," Iggy drooled, "There’s one biped I’d do."
"Was that the Actress?" Woozlewazza asked, "Can’t wait to meet her."
"You know, Woozlewazza, she is about seventy!"
"Oh, crap, that’s a bit too old then. However, if she is rich, then I’d do it anyway." He felt a sudden and sharp pain in his groin, and looking up, dazed saw the image of Igor there, waving a large knife. "Argh!"
"So what are your beliefs with this religion?" Fiona asked, in an eerie intellectual tone.
"Well, we believe," began Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench, "That if we continue as instructed in the Book Of Sleuth, we will be rewarded with the Second Coming of Jessica Fletcher. In that Book, Jessica told us how we should live our lives. Through sex, promiscuity and kinky bondage."
"Sounds like my kind of place . . ." Woozlewazza began, about to start raving the virtues of such a life.
He was interrupted by a sudden stir in the crowd, the people speaking wildly, excitement growing in the people as they turned their attentions to a door, above six steps which lay on the right side of the courtyard.
"What’s goin’ on?" Iggy demanded.
"It must be her. She is meant to come through that door." Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench rushed off in awe, standing with the rest of the gawking fools.
The crying, wailing and sighing grew louder and louder, reaching a grand and tumultuous level, the people in hysterics. "Save us Jessica", "Come to us Jessica!" They all knelt, facing the door with the obvious signs of adoration. In this act of genuflection, the loud hum became deafening, people exclaiming their devotion.
The door, which the attentions of the people was focused on, seemed rather impressed and yet surprised at the new way in which the people were regarding it. It was just thinking that it could like this worship thing, standing proudly on its hinges when someone grasped its knob from the other side, opening it slightly.
The people screamed in marvel. The door creaked open in protest. "Don’t take me away from my people," it was yelling in its woody voice, inaudible to the people’s ears, but strangely heard by the ears of a lizard. The door halted its movement and then was carelessly flung open, to the gasp of the people.
"Oh my God!" Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench cried.
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Last updated: 15/04/99