Episode Five:

How Many Bolivians does

it take to change a Lightbulb?

Panagiotis could not contain his glee, he spat hysterically, dancing around pathetically. He saw the approach of Woozlewazza and a bunch of other freaks. Quickly, before they entered, he ran into the Hybernation-thingies room at the back of the ship and concealed himself in a cupboard.

Woozlewazza seemed proud of himself somehow as he reached for the door handle. No more than two seconds had the door been open, when a strange Rabbit-like creature darted into the ship, wrestled with a few things, glared here and there, scanned every crevice, and then ran back out, muttering obscenities.

"Well that was kinda weird," observed Iggy in his accent, shivering slightly from Guinness withdrawal. "I gotta get in there!" He dodged the legs of the humans in front of him, skipped to the panel and pressed the button labeled "Guinness". As the holy, wondrous music filled the ship, Lesley and Woozlewazza entered.

Iggy made good time, opening the bottle in only two hours. "Shouldn’t we be going then?" Woozlewazza queried quite innocently.

The lizard snarled in reply, lapping his Guinness happily. He was left in silence for a few minutes until the group heard that unmistakable sound of [cue the dramatic music] a knock on the door.

Woozlewazza shrieked, darting behind a chair. "Wh-o-o is i-it?" he asked nervously.

Lesley peered out the small window on the door, frowning at what she saw. "Oh crap! It ith that annoying pie woman!" Woozlewazza knocked Lesley out of the way violently, throwing the door open after the initial cracking and hissing.

"Gimme gimme gimme!!!" He screamed at Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench.

"Wha?" she laughed jovially, reaching inside her coat for a pie. She gladly presented it to Woozlewazza. "You like it?" she asked as he devoured it madly. He ignored her, finished the pie, threw the wrapper at her and slammed the door.

"How rude!" she called at him.

Woozlewazza paused for a moment. Something was odd. He had seen something, something that he had not expected. What had it been? Come on brain, do your work, he said to himself. The answer to the puzzle was apparently not forthcoming. Hesitantly he turned and opened the door again.

At the open door he confronted the angry visage of Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench, with her hand held out. Suddenly her happy face went to work and she laughed. "You were just going to get money weren’t you?" she said, chuckling madly.

"Ah yes that is it . . ." Woozlewazza said, confirming the woman’s statement. He looked around and suddenly saw what it was that he had thought was strange. "Ah, what are you doing here?" he asked of the woman beside Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench.

"Well, I have come to help!" She winked at him, and walked towards him rather the opposite of seductively, yet sadly seduction was the desired effect. "You will find that I will be of great help to you."

"Ahah." Woozlewazza stuck his head back in the door. "So ah, how much room do we have?"

"We have room for six, we have three now," Iggy answered eyeing Woozlewazza suspiciously. "Why?"

"Well, we have a couple of people who want to come with!" Woozlewazza said in insincere enthusiasm. "They wanna help us!" he yelped.

"Not that f#$king pie woman, and who ever she has with her can go and get . . ." Iggy halted his verbal assault, captivated by the site of a woman in the doorway. "Mrs Fletcher, I had no idea it was . . ."

Lesley spun around. "You mean I didn’t kill you? Damn!"

"I assure you, Rag Woman . ."

"It’th Lethley!!!"

"Ah, Lesley. It was never my intention to harm you or have you in any trouble. I just wanted to get out of that deity thing and start a new life, perhaps revive my show!"

Lesley approached the woman. "Look, Jeth, you know that thow is dead for a good reathon. Don’t think of trying to bring it back! Try thomething new. Thure you can come with us, but only if you promithe to use my idea and turn it into a show, of course giving me a healthy thum of money!" Jessica looked at her, concerned. "You thee, what you need is a strong female character, like yourthelf but, and here is the twitht, she can fly. So it’s like the Flying Nun, but you solve crimeth and run a pie shop," Lesley suggested catching the attention of Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench. "What do you think?"

Jessica considered this, suddenly smiling. "You know, I think it may just work!" she walked in and took a seat. Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench followed her and also took her place.

The next eight hours were spent on a jolly god piss up, the five of them enjoying a rather large quantity of guinness, from Iggy’s seemingly endless supply. They flew through space having a jolly good time, singing songs with a somewhat slurred voice. Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench sat in the corner eating a pie. Woozlewazza approached her warily, eyeing the glass that she held in her hand. It contained a clear liquid.

"What is that you are drinking?" he asked of the woman.

"Ah . . . Lesley gave me some of her vodka," she replied.

Woozlewazza snatched the glass from her, smelt the liquid to start with, then took a small sip. "Goddamn woman!" he cursed, spraying the liquid at her. "What is this crap?"

She looked away guiltily. "OK, it’s just . . ." what she said was inaudible.

"What?" he persisted.

"It’s water."

He could not believe what he was hearing. "Are you insane woman? Have you gone absolutely mad? You are drinking water? In the middle of a pissup?!?" He tossed the glass aside. "Iggy, a Guinness for the woman!"

Iggy was swinging from a rope on the ceiling, which they had been hung there minutes earlier. "Ahafa iuLheiegkB KEPEphndpKhephem!" he cried.

"Heh? Alright!" Woozlewazza, painfully aware that Iggy would not be able to get the beverage in his state, trudged to the front and picked up a bottle of Guinness. Handing it to Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench, he made a small approving sound as if to say, "drink and become one of us".

"Oh, no. I am happy with my pies!"

"Errgh!" he insisted. Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench took the bottle, tried to open it. She looked up at Woozlewazza, unsuccessful. He took the bottle, opened it with his teeth, returned it to her.

"Ah, thankyou," Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench said softly.

Ten minutes later she was swinging from the rope with Iggy. To make a nice number of six Louis 14^th reappeared and they all cheered at him. "Good, you are obeying the rules!" the french king chanted. "As long as you are intoxicated like this the universe will live on forever. The Six degrees of Inebration holding it all together!"

Energetic singing continued and a period of twelve hours was allowed for recovery before they went to their cribs, all the Guinness gone.

Iggy smiled at Jessica, suddenly thinking himself attractive somehow. "So babe," he said, perching on her knee. "What do you think if after takeoff we go and find a bit of privacy and then just see what develops?"

Jessica laughed hysterically. "I love lizards with a sense of humour. But sorry, I generally only ‘go’ for humans."

Iggy muttered disapproval, jumping off her leg and climbing atop the panel. "Get ready for take off!" he screamed. Everyone strapped in. The ship buzzed, vibrated, went about its warming up and eventually shot off into the sky.

"Get into the f#$king hybernation room!!!" Iggy screamed, galloping to the back of the room and angrily going through the door. He opened all the cribs with his wrist-thingy and climbed into his own. "Choose a freaking crib and be quick about it!!!" Woozlewazza and Lesley took the two cribs that they had previously possessed, leaving Jessica and Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench rather confused.

"Ah, what do we . . .?" Jessica began.

"Well, unless you want to spend the fourteen million years that it takes to get to Earth, dying and then rotting away, leaving little but dust when this ship does eventually reach our destination, then pick a damn crib so that you may sleep until then!!!"

"Oh . . ."

"Now!!!" Iggy’s ferocity frightened the women into action. They each climbed into two of the three remaining cribs.

"But, when we get to Earth it will be fourteen million years in the future!" Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench wailed.

"That’th Ok," Lesley assured her, winking seductively, we have a time device that Fiona or Thimian Ion Combustion Nathal Junction Bond had. We can use it to go back in time!"

The two women seemed satisfied with this and Iggy pressed a button on his wrist-thingy, the lids on the cribs began to close slowly. "Goodnight everyone!!" Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench enthused. "Goodnight Lesley!" she cried in a shrill, jolly tone.

"Shut the hell up!!!" Iggy roared. The lids clicked as they sealed on the cribs. The people yawned as the temperature in the cribs dropped and the gas content changed. They blinked, closed their eyes and fell asleep . . .

In Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench’s Fantasy Land . . .

Katie sat up, unaware of where she was. She surveyed the room in which she had been lying down. It was seemingly inside a log cabin, the walls wonderfully paneled. Another revelation ran up and slapped her in the face quickly, then ran away screaming. It was that the whole room and even herself was in black and white. Suddenly the door swung open.

"Honey, I’m home," said a man walking into the room, an uncomfortably large axe over his shoulder.

"Oh, it’s about time too!" Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench heard herself saying. Then there was a strange laughing as if two hundred people were watching them. "I have been waiting all this time!" The laughing came again.

"I’m sorry honey, I was out chopping wood. And gee golly is it hard work!" The man flopped into a chair, the laughing continuing.

Suddenly Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench realised who this man was, it was the man of her dreams – Captain Homes de Pants. A man who she had met briefly while on Earth two years ago. She had been taken there when she met a pan dimensional boy from Bolivia who dumped her on Earth for six weeks. He had then, through his odd pan-dimensional powers sent her back to Plagno Beta One, although it had been her plan to stay on Earth and marry Homes de Pants.

She had been torn away from her love, probably never to see him again. But here she was in this black and white world, seemingly real, standing next to this excitable man.

"Oh you are such a strong man," Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench cried, sitting on de Pants’ lap.

The man could be heard beneath Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench, his voice muffled. "Thankyou honey, I’d do anything for you." Once again the inexplicable laughter could be heard. But Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench just couldn’t react to it as she normally would. It was as if she was following some script that she had no power over and could not change it.

"Hehehe," the man laughed to himself. "That’s my girl." The room faded and seemingly melted away and was replaced by another scene, Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench standing in the kitchen, frying eggs.

She thought about the whole thing and came to the conclusion that she was stuck in some sort of sixties sitcom. As long as her Homes de Pants was with her she could stay here forever.

Suddenly Homes de Pants ran into the kitchen, a baseball bat in one hand, a ball and mitt in the other. "Ok, Wench, you wanna play or do you wanna play?" he cried, jumping energetically.

"What?" she asked confused.

"Well there is a whole f#$king stadium out there waiting for you, so go out and bat!" She stood flummoxed. "Come on Wench, do it for your fans!" Homes handed her the bat and pointed out of the kitchen.

"But this isn’t how I dreamed it before, this isn’t how it is meant to go."

"Come on Wench do you want to disappoint sixty thousand fans?!?"

"But I?" Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench stammered, clutching the bat weakly. From the other side of the kitchen she heard a shattering scream. A man in a black suit ran in with a mobile phone, as she realised colour was diffusing into the picture.

"OK, Katie," the man in the suit said, "Do your work!" She looked at him and saw that it was also Captain Homes de Pants. "Come on, Katie, there are sixteen hostages depending on this call!"

"But I? What do I do?"

"You know what to do!! Come on use that charm and that intellect."

"Bah . . ." she began. "All I want is a happy life with my Pants forever, that’s all. I don’t know what is going on!" Her voice echoed around the room and go-go dancers rushed in, streamers dropping from the ceiling. They danced around poles, in their technicolour garb, chanting to an unknown song.

Katie looked straight ahead and screamed.

In the Hybernation-Thingy Room . . .

Panagiotis pressed a button on the side of one of the cribs and set it to open ten minutes before the others in approximately thirteen million, nine hundred and ninety eight thousand, four hundred and four years.

He climbed in carefully, closed it after him and fell asleep quickly . . .

Approximately thirteen million, nine hundred and ninety eight thousand, four hundred and four years later . . .

The green ship approached the Earth, nearing the atmosphere. It swayed gently as it entered the upper gas deposits and began to rock more violently as its altitude dropped rapidly.

Passing through the clouds the ship and its occupants were suddenly exposed to an awe-inspiring view of the ocean and the stark, barren continents. The shape of the land seemed to be the same as the passengers remembered. As the landing would occur in South America, Iggy took the ship over Ireland for a quick view, the altitude of the ship now decreasing steadily.

"There’s a fine country," he beamed in his accent, emphasising it to the extent that what he said was barely understood.

"Where do you come from anyway, Lesley?" Woozlewazza asked, strangely genuinely interested.

"Actually I come from Authtralia, a town called Grafton."

"Oh, never heard of it, must be a hole."

The ship was so close to the ground now that buildings could be seen. It approached its landing much like a helicopter. "Wait a minute!" Jessica Fletcher cried. "Where are all of the buildings, the cities and towns?!?"

"Well it has been fourteen million years . . ." Iggy said.

"What hath become of mankind?" Lesley asked with an air of poignancy.

Everyone thought about this for a while before Woozlewazza broke the silence. "So, Lizard, exactly how did you get to Squa within fourteen million years in the first place?"

Iggy felt that everyone was keen to know, their eyes falling on him. Suddenly he had become the centre of attention. "Well," he began, drawing them in, "It was the power of the leprechauns that helped me on my way!"

They paused for a moment, thought, then Woozlewazza coughed and Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench barged in with her say. "That’s is certainly a load of bullshit!" The others concurred.

"Ooh, Leprechaun power," Woozlewazza mocked.

Iggy turned from them in a huff. "F#$k the lot of yas!"

The ship came down steadily, cleanly and with little fuss. That is to say that it crashed violently into the side of a large mountain, fell further into a large ravine and burst into flames. The occupants ran from the vehicle through a thick cloud of smoke, as fast as they could. Diving into a large pool of water, the ship exploded finally behind them, with a magnificent bang.

"Well, you certainly landed the freaking ship well!" Woozlewazza screamed, lurching for the lizard who floated in the water beside him. Iggy dived under the water, emerging the other side of Woozlewazza.

The drunkard calmed himself, and surveyed the surroundings. It was a dense jungle area, the pool of water in which they floated was quite large, about twenty metres wide, at the bottom of a large, ragged ravine. Woozlewazza could see an easy exit from the ravine behind them. Pointing at it, he grunted at the others. "Urmgh!"

They turned around and saw what he indicated. "Nithe work, Woozy Boy!" Lesley said. "What’th with the grunting?"

"I don’t know, seemed appropriate somehow."

They climbed out of the pool and began clambering up the side of the ravine, on a slope. In a few minutes they had made it to the top and were faced with the impossible dense and overwhelmingly lush jungle.

"Oh f#$k it!" Iggy cried.

"Doesn’t matter," Woozlewazza said. "Now that we are out of that pool we can go back in time. Come on!"

"Ah . . ." Lesley looked around somewhat concerned with her safety suddenly. "I kinda . . ."

"Where is the freaking Time device you stupid lesbian!?!" Jessica Fletcher screamed.

"Hey, I kicked your arthe once and I will do it again!" Lesley warned, however she was promptly confronted with four pairs angry faces.

"Where is it, Lesley?" Woozlewazza asked.

Lesley took a step backward. "Well, you see it is back there." She indicated behind them.

"Where? In the water?"

"No, in the ship."

"Oh, f#$k it!" Iggy cursed.

Three days later in the jungle . . .

The group of hungered, dirty refugees had constructed a pathetic hut out of palm leaves and sticks. They huddle inside it, their faces blackened and their clothes soiled. Iggy muttered in his dreams, trauma induced by lack of Guinness.

They had eaten little, except a few berries and a few bananas that they had chanced to find. They had come along no humans and only a few monkey-like animals and several birds.

Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench opened her eyes, squinted at a bright blaze of sun striking her eyes from a small gap in the canopy of the forest. Thankfully the glare was quickly blocked from her eyes and she adjusted to the light.

In a shock she saw the image of a young man, about 17 years of age. He wore a shirt made of animal skin and a fine silky garment below the waist like a pair of shorts. His feet were bare and he cringed at Katie. She noticed a dead rat pinned to his shirt and his hair was a very dark brown, reaching to the bottom of his ears, his skin darkly tanned.

Out of fear and shock she screamed, an ear-piercing, nerve-shattering scream. Her companions jumped up, shocked into motion.

Suddenly Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench charged at the new arrival, throwing her arms around him. "Jimmy!!!" she chanted. "It is you!!!"

"Who the hell is this?" Woozlewazza asked.

"This is Jimmy, he is a pan-dimensional Bolivian who brought me here to Earth six years ago. No wait that was a lot longer than six years ago." She stopped. "And you are still here after millions of years?" Jimmy grinned stupidly. "I don’t understand."

Abruptly Jimmy disappeared from Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench’s grasp. "Where the hell did he go," Woozlewazza asked. He turned around and was surprised to find Jimmy standing behind him. "Shit! How did he do that?"

"Oh don’t worry, he does that all the time." Jimmy looked dopily at Woozlewazza, his deep brown eyes like that of a cow. His grin was vacant, displaying little intelligence.

Once again he vanished and appeared about ten metres away. He gestured for them to follow him. "I think we should go with him."

They nodded in agreement and began to follow Jimmy the Pan-dimensional Bolivian Boy. "Geeth, that freakth me out!" Lesley exclaimed.

After about three hours the group was growing weary of the expedition. There was no sign of civilisation and Jimmy was consistently persisting to be pan-dimensional. They occasionally grumbled that he should just stay still.

Suddenly from the trees there came a loud scream and a group of about ten women jumped down into the clearing. They were savagely dressed, raggedly attired in torn garments of dull colour. They snarled at Woozlewazza and his companions, taking considerable interest in Lesley.

Their teeth were stained and they bore remarkably sharp teeth in the sides of their top jaw. They resembled fangs. If Lesley didn’t know any better, she would have thought that they were Vampires, if somewhat attractive.

The closest one suddenly jumped towards Lesley, baring her teeth. Lesley smiled, attempting a lecherous glance, and failing miserably. "Well, hello . . ." she began. The woman promptly seized her and sunk her teeth into her neck. For a moment she drank Lesley’s blood. Then she cut her own wrist, held it to Lesley’s mouth. Lesley jumped away, repulsed but not before accidentally consuming some of the red liquid.

Jimmy promptly pulled out a sharp implement, a long piece of sharpened stone, fasted to a hard, wide stick with twine.

He tapped Lesley’s assailant on the shoulder. She turned, and Jimmy quickly stabbed her in the heart. He went about, popping in and out of reality, pan-dimensionally travelling from one position to the next, slicing the necks, digging into the chests of these vampire women. Once it was all over there lay ten bloody corpses on the ground.

They all did their best to ignore this and continued on their way.

Meanwhile, deep in the ravine . . .

Panagiotis stirred, he lifted the debris from off him. If only he had got away sooner before the ship had blown up. He had laid underneath a sheet of metal for over three days. It was, to put it quite simply, very uncomfortable. But he had survived, eating the rats and other small animals that trotted enticingly past him.

He had only now managed to get his way out from under the metal as there had been much rain in the previous days and the small pond he lay in was now quite deep. Lucky that there were a few logs under him to support him or he would have drowned beneath the water long ago.

When he had awoke in his hybernation crib he at first pressed the snooze button and went back to sleep. When he was once again woken up nine minutes later he shrieked with alarm and realised that he had no time to do anything. He climbed out of his crib and ran out of the room, concealing himself once more behind the panel in the wall.

He had developed a rather attractive limp, he discovered, shuffling through the shallow end of the water and up the small bank, to the edge of the ravine wall. Ah, this was just the sort of character trait he had been looking for. It added just that extra oomph to his psycho-obsessed homicidally-inclined maniac personality, which he had managed quite well to cultivate. If only he had a scar. He leant over the water, peering at his face. "Yes!" he called out. There was a nice long cut on the side of his face, semi-healed.

He began the climb up the rough cliff-face, most of the work having to be managed by his arms, his limp leg not much use. In about ten minutes he made it to the top, and struggled over the edge, startled by the abruptness of the forest.

He stumbled through the trees carelessly, muttering to himself obscenities and promising himself that Woozlewazza would suffer an extremely painful death.

Suddenly . . .

The heroes came upon a small village, Jimmy appearing once more in front of them. Before their eyes was the weird and incredible spectacle of a hundred or more pan-dimensional Bolivians. They were constantly changing their dimensional position, zipping around the village. The houses of the little town were rather simply constructed from small, rocky bricks, with leaves and sticks providing an intricately woven roof.

Jimmy grinned vacantly at them, as if to say it was safe for them to enter the village. His eyes lit up for a moment and then returned to their dull state, as he listened to their conversation.

"Did he just understand us?" Woozlewazza asked suspiciously.

"Well probably," Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench answered. "He does speak a bit of English."

"Damn!" Woozlewazza said quietly to himself. He then turned to Lesley. "You know, if there is one thing I don’t like it’s a Bolivian listening in on your conversations!"

Lesley looked as if she was about to respond, but instead grinned insanely, swigging from a small bottle. Woozlewazza glanced at the bottle with passing interest. "Gee gee gee," Lesley professed. Woozlewazza once again looked back at the bottle that the lesbian was holding, spying the label. "Vod-ka," he said slowly. "Wait a minute . . . She’s still got booze!"

The other three spun around, momentarily assuming that this recent outrage was of some significance. Iggy surveyed the scene and immediately launched into disapproving mode. "Listen Woozle, we haven’t got time for this. Let the stupid bitch drink if she must. But we should be more concerned with getting back to our time, than with alcohol!" He shook a small claw at Woozlewazza, shaking his head and saying, "Tsk tsk tsk."

Woozlewazza pouted at this verbal chastisement. Not the time for alcohol? Has the lizard gone mad? It’s always time for alcohol. And why was it he and not Lesley that had received the disapproving looks from the others.

This was all soon forgotten as a loud, shrill scream filled the air and from the trees a man wearing nothing but a skimpy loincloth and a turban, sprung to the ground, on the end of a long, green vine. He stood there proudly, liking the attention that he had gathered. Jimmy turned to the visitors, his eyes rolled upwards, his tongue poking the inside of his cheek in deep thought. "Ah," he began. "He is leader."

The group looked at each other and absorbed this new information. He didn’t look the sort to be leading a small population of pan-dimensional Bolivians. But one thing he did look, Woozlewazza thought, was familiar.

"Hey!!!" Woozlewazza screamed. "I know you!" The people shifted their eyes from one man to the other. The man in the loincloth shot a glance at Woozlewazza, a puzzled expression on his visage. "Don’t you remember me?" Woozlewazza asked.

The man held his hand to his chin, stroking the stubble. It seemed he had only shaved the previous day. He looked once more at Woozlewazza and then at each of his companions, spending most time with the small, multi-coloured Iguana. They were seemingly foreign to him, but the tall man with the bloodshot eyes and the beer stained (and probably also vomit stained) shirt and the messed hair and four day stubble had somewhat of a familiarity about him.

"I think," began the man, "that I know you from somewhere, or have seen you before. But it must have been a long time ago." He paused, confused it seemed. "What is your name?"

Woozlewazza stepped forward, raised his voice. "I am Leopold Jacob Kenneth Ipsley Woozlewazza III!" His companions looked at him in disbelief and then burst out laughing. Woozlewazza grunted in annoyance, straightening his shirt for inspection, trying to look his best. "But I am known as just Woozlewazza."

The man in the loincloth froze, his eyes shifting here and there, his face stuck in concentration. "Yes I do know you," the man said. "Would you remember me?"

Woozlewazza nodded curtly. "Yes, but not your name."

"The name is Doug."

Woozlewazza opened his mouth in amazement. "Doug." He started to step towards Doug, slowly, carefully.

"Woozlewazza." Doug began an equal approach.

"Doug." Woozlewazza started to walk faster.

"Woozlewazza." Doug matched Woozlewazza’s speed, then increased it, beginning to run.

"Doug!" Woozlewazza sped towards the man.

"Woozlewazza!!" The men met each other at the centre of the town, clutching each other as romantic, and seemingly inappropriate music filled the air. They swung around each other, tears flowing with melodramatic slowness down their cheeks. They sobbed violently into each others shoulders and generally made a scene as a hundred confused Bolivians, three other bipeds and a lizard watched in amazement.

When the excitement died down Woozlewazza presented the man to his companions. "This is Doug . . ."

"So we heard," Jessica Fletcher commented, eyeing Doug with a wild look in her eyes.

"Doug, the Jeans salesman." Woozlewazza looked at Doug again. "I met him in the late 1700’s. Gee we had fun."

"Fun?" Lesley inquired.

"Well not that kind of fun!"

He turned again to Doug. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I’d ask the same of you," Doug said simply.

"Well," Woozlewazza started. "I got sucked through two timewarps, the first taking me to an island and the second to a planet in the penile star system. From there I met up with Iggy and Lesley and began to voyage back to Earth, and it took us fourteen million years. So here we are!"

"Oh," Doug said. He seemed a little embarrassed. "Well, you see. After we were thrown out of Ga, I stayed on the shores of the island and got drunk. I tripped over a rock and when I woke up I was here." His story was, to the audience, somewhat lacking.

"OK," Woozlewazza said.

"So fourteen million years in the future, I wasn’t sure when it was. Jimmy told me it was a long time, but . . ."

"Damn I wish we could get back to our time . . ."

Approximately thirteen million, nine hundred and ninety eight thousand, four hundred and four years in the past . . .

" . . . ‘cause it really sucks and all . . ." Woozlewazza looked up. He found himself standing in the middle of a road. He screamed as he saw a strange object hurtling towards him. It was dark red and had a black shiny surface on the front at the top. Woozlewazza jumped from the path of the thing as it sped past. A man leant from its window, hurling obscenities at Woozlewazza.

"What the hell was that?" he spat, noticing the others behind him.

"That, Woozy Boy, wath a car," Lesley said. "Tho you have never been in the twentieth thentury. You are in for a shock!" Lesley suddenly felt her head spin and a strange pulsing throughout all of her veins and arteries. Her vision faded for a moment and she suddenly felt strong, energetic. She grinned and cackled wildly for a moment, unsure why she had fallen so promptly into hysterics. "Gee gee gee."

Woozlewazza dribbled, somewhat bewildered. "But wha . . .?"

"Come on, we have to go, we have to thave the world remember?"

Woozlewazza trotted along to meet the speed of his companions. They were walking along the side of the road, one which was not very busy, but rather just a suburban street.

Woozlewazza’s eyes opened wide, and he squealed with delight. "I know what happened. I know what happened! When I asked to be sent back in time . . ."

"One of the Bolivians sent us back in time," Jessica Fletcher stated. "Way ahead of you, Leopold!"

Woozlewazza pouted angrily, not liking the way the woman had emphasized his first name. "Stupid bloody . . . "way ahead of you" . . . well, I oughta . . . smug, bitchy . . ."

"Stop being a baby, Woozlewazza, have a pie." Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench handed Woozlewazza one of her seemingly endless supply of pies. He ate it quickly, leaving a mess of blueberry on his face.

"Hey!" he called out. "Where were your pies when we were eating berries and bananas in the jungle?"

"Well, you didn’t ask for one . . ."

Everyone looked at Katie Ye Olde Tavern Wench with murder in their eyes, before Iggy broke the unsettling mood. "Come on! Let’s not f#$k around, we need to save the world remember. They are going to kill the humans and probably the Iguanas too and do god knows what else."

They all agreed and continued their steady pace until they reached a bus stop. "Tho, I hope thith ith 2000, and that we are in yFalminica."

"Yes, that would be rather convenient." Woozlewazza held an image of Igor in his head. "Wiggle it baby," he said loudly.

Iggy turned around, alarmed. "You smut-minded bastard, keep it in ya pants!" Woozlewazza snarled at the lizard and sat down.

"According to my calculations," Jessica Fletcher began, "This should be the year 1999, the date approximately April 6 and we are in the city of yFalminica!!!"

"What?!?!" Lesley screamed with glee. "Are you thure? How do you know?"

"Well I read this newspaper here . . ." Jessica Fletcher guiltily replaced the paper in the bin and stood back from it.

"Excellent!" Woozlewazza screamed. "We are here! Well, that was easier than expected. Bit of an anti climax though . . ."

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Last updated: 31/05/99