The Awards The Acceptance Speeches
Welcome all, as I announce the 1st annual Trevor Awards!! These awards are for exceptional display of talent or ineptitude in the filmic world. Categories are flexible and I create them as I see fit. Most of the awards are for recent movies, but some are for older films, which I think, had the Trevors existed then, would have deserved one or two. The Trevors are officially called the yFalminican Republic Academy of Film and Literature Arts Awards, but the award statuette was nick-named Trevor, when a secretary of the academy said "It looks a bit like that guy, you know? Yeah, that guy". And the rest is history!
First I will announce the winners of each category, and then below you will be able to read the acceptance speeches of the winners when I tracked them down. So without further ado, and shunning the usual comments on the fashion of the celebrities and pointless chit-chat with the nominees, which usually accompanies other award ceremonies, I shall begin.
Best Ludicrous Action Setpiece: ~ Mission Impossible 2 (2000)
Most Unsuccessful Maintainence of Sexual Tension Between The Two Leads: ~ Tom Cruise and Thandie Newton, Mission Impossible 2 (2000)
Best Attempt at a South African Accent: ~ Richard Roxbrugh, Mission Impossible 2 (2000)
Best Use of Excessively Violent Computer Animation To Portray The Death of an American Soldier in an American War of Independence Film: ~ The Patriot (2000)
Best Australian Ensemble in a Hollywood Motion Picture: ~ Heath Ledger and Mel Gibson, The Patriot (2000)
Best Action Setpiece Featuring a Chariot: ~ Gladiator (2000)
Best Big Budget, Action Extravaganza Film With a Satisfying Story: ~ Gladiator (2000)
Most Unrealistic and Ineptly Conceived Car Crash Scene of all Time: ~ The Ivory Ape (1978)
Most Visually-Drunk and Psychedelic Film of 2000: ~ Bringing Out The Dead
Most Inept Application of a Big Budget: ~ Independence Day (1996)
Best Breast Shot: ~ Mena Suvari, American Beauty (2000)
Best Performance by a Musical Artist: ~ Aaliyah, Romeo Must Die (2000)
Most Unconvincing Shoot-out Scene of all Time: ~ Commando (1986)
Funniest Portrayal of Violence: ~ Chopper (2000)
Most Humorous Use of a Penis in a Motion Picture: ~ Chopper (2000)
Best Film of the Year: ~ Chopper (2000)
Best Performance of the Year: ~ Eric Bana, Chopper (2000)
Most Annoying and Overused Musical Score: ~ The Perfect Storm (2000)
Most Derivative Film: ~ Mission To Mars (2000)
Most Appealing Use of Decapitation as a Narrative device: ~ Sleepy Hollow (1999)
Worst Film of the Year: ~ Hanging Up (2000)
As I couldn't find director John Woo, I tracked down Tom Cruise after the awards were announced, and presented to him first the award for Best Ludicrous Action Setpiece for Mission Impossible 2. Here is what he said:
"What? What the hell is this? Who are you anyway? Nic, did you turn the security system off? Will you stop shoving that thing in my face. Look, get the hell out of here, you f#$kwit!"
I returned with the award for Most Unsuccessful Maintainence of Sexual Tension Between The Two Leads:
"How the hell did you get back in. Get out of my kitchen! No you can't have my sandwhich. Get the hell out of here!"
And then for Best Attempt at a South African Accent, which I asked for him to pass on to Richard Roxburgh:
"Nic, could you pass the . . . what!?! You again?! Alright, I will take the f#$king award if it will make you go away."
Although I really wanted to present the awards to Heath Ledger, I had to settle for a meeting with Mel Gibson, to present the award for Best Use of Excessively Violent Computer Animation To Portray The Death of an American Soldier in an American War of Independence Film and Best Australian Ensemble in a Hollywood Motion Picture:
"Ah, which magazine are you from again? I can't remember. . . What, no magazine? What organisation are you presenting these awards on behalf of? . . . Where? Folmenia? Look, I am busy, I have another period war piece to work on . . . Where can you leave them? I don't care, you can throw them in the bin for all I care!"
Russell Crowe was easier to track down than I thought. Having completed the making of a film (Proof of Life) and a fling with co-star Meg Ryan, who has fled home to husband Dennis Quaid, I found Crowe in the UK, and presented the awards for Best Action Setpiece Featuring a Chariot and Best Big Budget, Action Extravaganza Film With a Satisfying Story:
"Are you here to clean the pool?"
I was hard pressed to find someone who would admit having been responsible for The Ivory Ape, and after finally tracking down legend Jack Palance, I was disappointed to receive a rather luke warm reponse:
"Get off my property or I will shoot you."
I found someone eventually however, to receive the award for Most Unrealistic and Ineptly Conceived Car Crash Scene of all Time:
"No, I had nothing to do with it! It was a terrible mistake, I thought it had a big budget god-damn it! It was just a man in a bad gorilla suit, a very bad gorilla suit!!
This man, a cameraman, thereupon collapsed in a fit of tears. I left him with the award and departed.
Nicholas Cage was unavailable, so I hunted down John Goodman, who had a small role in Bringing Out The Dead to give him the award for Most Visually-Drunk and Psychedelic Film of 2000:
"Is this a joke? Candid camera right?"
Best-known for his odd-ball characters in such movies as The Fly, Jurassic Park and others, I think I received the warmest response from actor Jeff Goldblum when he gave him the award for Most Inept Application of a Big Budget for Independence Day"
"Chaos, it's unpredictable! You cannot anticipate the result of any action, it is never the same! This is not good. I didn't see this coming. Yes, it's chaos, it's begun. And then a cycle is started that can't be broken . . . ah . . . what will we do?!"
Mena Suvari was strangely aloof when I approached her to give her the award for Best Breast Shot for American Beauty"
"Stop trying to touch me you freak!"
A stroke of luck perhaps, I was able to find Aaliyah, star of Romeo Must Die, almost immediately to present the award for Best Performance by a Musical Artist:
"Stop following me! I will have you arrested".
I caught up with Alyssa Milano on the set of the series Charmed. Here is what she said when I told her that as a representative of the movie, Commando, she would receive the award for Most Unconvincing Shoot-out Scene of all Time:
"I will put a hex on you, stand back! You evil devil's cronie, I will . . . Ah, shit! What are you telling me, we aren't rolling? Who the hell is this guy then?"
Eric Bana was found during a recent radio interview, and I announced the awards that Chopper had won for Funniest Portrayal of Violence, Most Humorous Use of a Penis in a Motion Picture, Best Film of the Year and Best Performance of the Year:
"That's great, ah . . . thanks."
When I requested to present the award for Most Humorous Use of a Penis in a Motion Picture to his penis, he said:
"What are you f#$king joking? Piss off!"
Mark Wahlberg seemed somewhat annoyed when I approached him with the award for Most Annoying and Overused Musical Score for The Perfect Storm:
"I have asked you to leave, could you do it now?"
I responded, saying, "Gonna make any more workout tapes, Marky Mark, you talentless meathead?"
He said: "Do you want me to f#$king beat the s#$t out of you?"
"Ooh, can you feel the vibrations, Marky? Gees, that was the worst cover version of a Beach Boys song I have ever heard!"
"Get the f$%k out of here!"
"Try me! You're a gutless, little whingeing pansy actor man now aren't you?"
"That's it!"
We are settling the dispute out of court...
I thought that of all the cast members, Gary Sinise would be the most approachable to give the award for Most Derivative Film for Mission To Mars:
"Thanks, I am not sure . . . err . . . where are you from?"
"The yFalminican Republic."
"Where is that?"
"In the Pacific."
"Oh, well, I have to go to now, so could you get out of my bathroom and let me finish my shower!"
I have long admired the work of Johnny Depp, and I was chafing at the bit to meet him and present the award for Most Appealing Use of Decapitation as a Narrative device for Sleepy Hollow:
"No, I told you, I don't do that shit any more! Why won't you people stop hounding me!?"
Meg Ryan was not entirely grateful it seems for the award for Worst Film of the Year for Hanging Up:
"Why are people always giving me shit for this movie?"
24/08/2000 13:24