I took my month's vacation in February in Sri Lanka, as far from the gloom of Moscow as possible. While working for the Global Forum I met a Sri Lankan peace activist from the movement Sarvodaya, a local NGO supporting Singalese-Tamil accord, and he invited me to stay there.

My meditation retreat started very low-key, with a casual invitation by Rev. Kundanna to move into a spare room in his home at the meditation center "for at least 10 days" to follow the intensive course at the temple. Here was my opportunity - the intuition said yes, but the thought was quite terrifying. I had no idea what to expect; people around me said it would be boring. I was more worried about giving myself up to something and feeling like a fool. My scattered reading, isolated attempts to meditate in the past, and the enthusiasm of my younger brother Bob in the mid-70s gave me grounds for hope. The last few years were a drift away from academia and active left-wing politics towards a listless depression, relieved only by carefully meted-out does of dope, movies, and my wild fling with Denis, cut short by his being drafted for the next 2 years. My refuges - drugs, music, politics, philosophy and psychology pushed me towards the last frontier religion. I have reached the point where, in the words of Janis Joplin and the Buddha, I was free, i.e., I had nothing left to lose.

The room turned out to be musty - full of moldy books, which were soon removed. Old magazines from the 50s and 60s remained, trumpeting the garish faded promise of a secular, individual, material freedom in the form of pink Caddies and empty-headed models. It was also stuffy and hot, each day absorbing the 40-degree heat. No fan. The bed graced by a flimsy, holey mosquito net. The bed was a wooden plank with a thin pad which did little to modify the 'strict regime' conditions. I was comforted by the thought of D living in a military barrack with 150 such beds in one room, in the steppes of Central Asia.

The 'monastery' was on the main road south from Colombo, and from 5am till midnight one is treated to the incessant honking of Sri Lankan drivers, the roar of unmuffled trucks and 2-stroke motorbikes, and the faint smell of exhaust. The Rev was absent most of the time, leaving me to my own devices. I felt rather neglected, as guidance through the difficult first period of frustration and adjustment is surely important.

However, someone always seemed to come to my aid. My first acquaintances were two enthusiastic young Lankan meditators. Capele had spent 3 months in a meditation retreat near the ancient capital, Kandy, which involved 4-5 hours of meditation a day. Irshad, a convert to Buddhism from Islam, explained the 5 hindrances which interfere with one's concentration, and how they must be overcome, his methods included auto-suggestion ("I will not..." repeated over and over with the idea that the next day "I don't..."), gritting your teeth, clenching your fists, and driving the thought out forcibly. RevK's advice was: "Let the thought go." I was suspicious of what struck me as fanatical self-discipline. The resident Swiss monk at the center, Visaja, later confirmed my doubts.

January 28, 1990 (Sunday pm)

I'm sitting in my musty room trying to meditate. I have a cold and was sorry to leave the friendly security of Sarvodaya - Ferdie the Flying Dutchman with his steady supply of dope, my plans to windsurf myself into oblivion, tour the island and laze on tropical beaches... but that can come later. The thought of 3 more weeks in Sri Lanka seems like a lot, especially when I'm running away from loneliness and depression. It's better to face up to my aging, cynical, apathetic 'self', which according to the Buddha is a delusion anyway. I need to find my roots, both good (to succor) and bad (to dig them out).

I feel awkward invading another culture to try to solve my problems, but Buddhism is a powerful and attractive doctrine, and I'm not the first disillusioned Westerner to look for answers there. It is ironic that Lankans have largely turned away from serious devotion to Buddhism and long for the glittery West, and that we Westerners turn to their culture for answers. The old 'Bluebird of Happiness' syndrome works both ways.

I tried to meditate. Physically uncomfortable, random thoughts drifting in and out, street sounds, imaginary conversations with RevK: is it sloth, desire, ill-will, doubt, restlessness? I try to use the techniques for dealing with the 5 hindrances, and almost welcome invading distractions in order to firmly dispense with them. Is this what Rev K meant when he said we become our own worst enemy in meditation?

January 29, 1990 (Monday)

I have rummaged through the dusty book shelves and found some security blankets: A Gradual Awakening by Stephen Levine, Experience of Insight by Joseph Goldstein (both American Jews), and An Experiment in Mindfulness by EH Shattock, a British rear admiral, who in the 1950s spent 3 weeks at a monastery in Burma. My notes are a mix of my own thoughts and theirs.

I used to experience beauty in nature directly with wonder and joy, like D or Valera delight in Western trinkets (a kind of meditation?). But my sexual frustration gradually sapped that joy. Through D, I rediscovered my self-respect, joy-of-living, but temporarily, just like one clears the mind of the 5 hindrances, only temporarily through techniques, at the first state of meditation. My experiences with anonymous sex have been even more temporary, and left me with a temporary high followed by depression or just distaste. One can find self-respect only through annihilation of the self (ego), through a union/ connection with the flow of reality in the spirit. The real 'I' is 'merely' awareness. One must experience Genesis each moment (one's consciousness coming into being). The thoughts crowding in prove the transience of everything, the fact that everything is constantly in the process of change. We experience reality only second hand, i.e., through our thoughts about reality, except for in a moment of ecstasy.

I have long struggled against society's conventional thought patterns about reality, living in Canada, Britain, and the SU, but my alternatives have proved flawed - a kind of self-inflating cynicism. An attempt to follow the path of Dorian Gray, to keep young outwardly and immature inwardly, while the 'true self' accumulates the filth swept under the carpet of life. This cynicism is not the way to go beyond conventional morality. Shostakovich observed that a true artist is never cynical - at most despairing. When we overcome desire and acknowledge the unquenchable dissatisfaction underneath, we can experience the joy of freedom.

It's not necessary to judge everything and act on things; simply observe. During meditation, concentrate on the sensation of breathing, not the thought of breathing. Use 'bare attention', i.e., instantaneous acknowledgment of hindrance, before it is named and analyzed. Try to keep the mind at the conceptual level of sight, smell, sound and thought. Don't try to possess thoughts as one's own. It's not "the 'I' stopping the mind." It's "understanding the nature of the mind." The 'goal' is the process of mindfulness, the simple nonjudgmental awareness of what's happening.

January 30, 1990 (Tuesday)

Yesterday was excruciating: my legs hurt and my mood keeps getting darker. My mind is now like an enemy fighting 'my' attempts to still it. I guess 'it' doesn't want to be annihilated, but 'it' is the false ego. The point is to free the mind. Unfortunately it has become the prisoner of the 5 hindrances.

I took the vow of 3 refuges last night. "I take refuge in the Buddha, the Sanga (teachers), and the Dharma (duty to divine laws and one's nature)." Also the 8 precepts: not to kill, steal, have intercourse, lie, take intoxicants, live luxuriously, eat after midday, sing or dance.

The daily schedule is 5 1 1/2 to 2 hr sessions of meditation sitting, walking, standing working and 'free choice' at 4:30am, 8:00am, 12:30am, 3:00pm, 5:30pm, with the daily meal at 9:30am 4:30 am was quite depressing. I was totally restless and uncomfortable in my meditation. 6:00am snack saw me lose my temper. I can't take the sickening sweet tea early in the morning on an empty stomach. Poor Anoma (actually poor angry me - to her as a devout Buddhist, it's water off a duck's back). 7:00am yoga felt good. I had better concentration with the rhythm and physical exertion. Part of the problem with the sitting meditation is its grueling stillness and the fact that it forces me to be solely dependent on myself and the inner struggle. 8:00am back to the temple. I'm quite irritable all the time; I'll get some fruit juices at the corner store as a secret stash.

A short talk with RevK, or Banti to his students. In the walking meditation, one should focus on both the intention to move and the actual movement. When you have to turn, the turn, which way you turn, etc. should all be intended actions, not thoughtless or rather mindless ones. The desire to be (or in the case of suicide, not to be) in the NEXT moment, rather than living the present one, is the cause of bad karma. Banti notices my dark mood and cheers me up by promising that by the 3rd day, I'll feel lighter, that the load of bad karma is lifting from my shoulders. What I'm doing (or should be) is really contemplation (wordless), rather than meditation, at this point. The ego or false self is really just a defense mechanism against a sense of unworthiness. Once you shed this unworthiness - your distrust of your natural being - the ego drops away.

January 31, 1990 (Wednesday)

I dripped sweat all night, but slept soundly, waking up to the whine of a horde of mosquitoes. The 4:30am meditation was as excruciating as ever. I finished the Shattock. He stayed at the Satipatthana Buddhist mediation center run by the Buddhist Council in Rangoon. A bluff, apparently quite straight British soldier breaking out of his stuffy, imperial heritage and experiencing the peace of nothingness. The same 'making his being part of nature through dissolving the false self' as I'm struggling to experience. But then this lies behind radical psychoanalysis from RD Laing to H Marcuse, not to mention Christ. Judge not lest ye be judged; come taste the fruit; the rich man and the camel...

I finally caught some glimpses of calm during the 8:00am meditation. I realize why my dependence on dope is so bad. It is a self-indulgent boosting of the false ego, freezing me in a perpetual state of insecurity. It is mental masturbation rather than real meditation, heightening sense-perception but artificially, giving me a free ride, which is not controlled or uplifting, but deadening. The heavy sleep and drowsy mornings after dope fit right in. I'm adding some extra meditation sessions to reinforce a breakthrough.

Lust is my real problem now. As with all religions, the arguments against and techniques to deal with it are the weakest. They used to show monks rotting bodies to meditate on, emphasizing the impermanence of the body. Levine suggests moderation and mutuality to avoid self-humiliation and humiliation of the other. The bottom line is you can't make the rules to suit the lowest common denominator (the fucked-up sexual beast within).

My own experience suggests I look for self-humiliation (with the after-effect of depression), that I should look at the process (cause-effect) rather than just the isolated act. Sex with D was mutual and not denigrating, though sometimes I wanted more and D refused. Is sharing universal, spiritual energy superior to sharing sexual energy? Does it exclude the latter?

After some frustrating lying/ walking/ sitting meditation, I finally felt a concentration accompanied by a faint vision of a growing grainy green mass becoming a crowd of people, followed by a rush of calm relaxation, fresher and gentler than a drug high. You're totally in control here. It faded as I started to note it but I maintained it maybe half a minute. It came in the standing meditation too. So what's next? Is that it? Or is it a false start? Or merely a start? Does it lead to insight and wisdom about life? I feel calmer, though still a bit lonely and bored. I hope Banti doesn't mind me wearing earplugs (made from bubble gum) to block out all the street noise. I'm a bit afraid of him; he's cool and intelligent, and seems to see right through you. Evidence of my insecurity.

I had another brief chat. I tried to argue that a concert pianist, artists, actors, and children are natural meditators. Banti called them concentrators, dong what they do unconsciously, thus lacking wisdom. I thought of PB and his joy in intense exhausting manual work, or me teaching (sometimes).

5:00pm walking meditation. Impossible to concentrate. Plans, past friends and sexual desire interfering, though I had another 2 good moments in the sitting meditation. There is no point in longing for enlightenment. The thought is unfreedom. Truth exists only in the moment. If we seek something outside of the moment, we're in prison. In meditation, one tries to go deeper than word-thoughts. It's a kind of homesickness for God.

Why breathing and walking mediation? Breathing is our most intimate connection with reality, and thus leads to our most profound enlightenment with respect to our real being. Walking represents our physical contact with reality. We have more choice here: it is harder to get enlightenment, but we must educate ourselves to move (BECOME) with awareness (as opposed to breathing's BEING with awareness). From these basic types, the point is to expand our practice throughout all phases of our living. The slow walk is to help make a break with conventionality, just as my leap to Moscow was an attempt to make a break with my dead-end conventionality in Toronto.

I notice the neurotic impulse to lash out a destroy my interlocutor, which occasionally hits me, has abated. I'm still thinking during most of the meditation, but it's not unpleasant, and I'm thinking out my resentments and then trying to let them go - cleaning out the cobwebs and accumulated filth. At least 6-8 more 'highs' - a refreshing relief, like diving. Even a tingling. Is the self slowly dissolving?

February 1, 1990 (Thursday)

Another excruciating 4:30 am meditation after sending an orgasm to Phil and lying awake for a long early morning. No sign of Banti. I guess this trip is self-directed, or rather directed by no self. There is a 50ish Swiss woman, Edi, staying here, who says she used to recite St. Francis's prayers when she got restless in meditation. In reading the translations of the changs, it struck me that for the Buddhist, Nirvana is NOT having an afterlife, i.e., having no desire to be (again), as opposed to the Christian obsession with going to heaven.

My restlessness in meditation is my desire to be elsewhere, doing something else. This is my mind creating bad karma, pushing me from life to life. It is better to work with it than to abandon 'poor meditation'. If you accept 'hell', it's not hell. Hell is resistance. Thoughts arise and pass through 'nothing' (the mind, which like all matter, really is an energy field).

It turns out that RevK's car broke down near Kandy last night. He went there to supervise the work on a small factory which he has been given the use of and which he plans to run on monastic lines, with meditation retreats. I have started to rebel, ignoring the schedule, and trying to meditate walking and sitting in the garden behind the temple. The Swiss monk gently suggests I stick to the regime. He said: "Be the walk, and stop if your mind wanders. Don't try to force it back, as this is just another mind game." This makes a lot more sense than Irshad's "I shall not..."

I inadvertently killed a mosquito while sitting out back. It managed to squeeze its stinger through a seam in my shirt. It would have been better to let it withdraw on its own; I probably just pushed its stinger in further. Visaja assured me that mosquitoes in the south don't carry malaria. I finally started to feel the walk out back - the warm sandals, the rough path, the gentle breeze in my shirt. We don't actually feel negative things - boredom, tiredness, fear, pain - but our RESISTANCE to them, just as we feel only our DESIRE for positive things. These mediated feelings are precisely the 5 hindrances - restlessness and worry (vs happiness and calm), sloth and torpor (vs applied thought), doubt (vs sustained thought), ill-will (vs rapture), and sensual desire (vs one-pointed concentration). Our resistances are invariably more unpleasant and painful than the unmediated experience would be. The sight of the mosquito with its stinger pushed through my shirt is much worse than the pinch and itch. We are attached to pleasure (desire) and pain (resistance). Be aware of the emotions and let go of them. Don't desire to be elsewhere, doing something else, being someone else. The negative feelings are unincorporated, and become interruptions in, rather than part of the flow of our lives, making life bumpy and crisis-ridden. Resistance to pain leads to tension, which leads to worse pain. In the sitting meditation, try to soften around the pain (say, in your leg), yield to it, penetrate and investigate it. When I did this, I actually got quite a high from it.

Happiness is not pleasure, but a feeling of wholeness. Pleasure-seeking fuels the process of desire, which inevitably leads to UNhappiness. In spite of my asceticism, I'm still a pleasure-seeker, which makes me unhappy and dissatisfied deep down with my lot. You can have lots of pleasures and still be unhappy. Pleasure is the cessation of the pain of desire, and requires constant restless refueling. Meditation allows you to achieve happiness through the understanding of the mind and the process of desire residing in our essential nature. Pain becomes a vehicle to awaken us to our conditioning. It is easier to give up sex than our addiction to pain, fear, and insecurity, which the ego requires to justify itself, just as society needs 'the enemy' to justify itself. Think of an ice-cold shower. Brrr. Painful! Try to yield to it, let go of the supposed pain. OK, the initial shock remains, but that is quickly over. In fact, no pain. Meet your conditioned response with awareness, not compulsive acting out. This is the way to achieve fulfillment in the moment. The meditation journey goes from unaware consciousness (the ordinary condition) to aware consciousness (you're still thinking "step, turn" or "breathe"), to unconscious awareness (you ARE the walk or breath).

My mind is purging itself of my attachments (or maybe just playing another game on me, who knows). Yesterday, I felt Phil strongly and sent him a postcard telling him. I also wrote PB about my own neurotic attitude on our canoe trip way back when, and joked about eternity (my stay here feels like an eternity). Today more obsessions with D as with the first 2 days. I can't get "Heartbreak Hotel" out of my mind, i.e., I can't give up my hold on him. After 3 hours of it hounding me, I relented and let it buzz away as I did my final walking meditation. It didn't help to try to focus on it, as the Swiss monk suggested. I've reached a definite low point. Felt like chucking it in again. The traffic noise is insane - horns honking every 5 seconds all day, and no direction from RevK. However, Visaja seems to appear at the right moment. He brought me into line on the schedule, and told me the "noise" is really just "sound". It's my negative judgment that makes something "noise".

Levine's hindrance chapter is weak on lust and greed, but in discussing karma, he says moods and thoughts will pass then we realize they are fruits of past karma. You shouldn't get angry at your thoughts; this simply creates more bad cause-effect links (karma). Karma is our thoughts (likes and dislikes) forcing us to act, leading to more karma (more causes for more future results). We need a compassionate recognition of our condition to cut through the likes/ dislikes to stop the karmic wheel of conditioning.

Being aware of the itch before I automatically scratch, I can CHOSE to scratch, i.e., decide rationally on any action which may harm someone/ something. Awareness of an act as unwholesome brings me closer to not repeating it in the future. The trick is not to develop guilt about it. We begin to uncover the intention behind the action, seeing both fundamental processes - intention and action. Non-action is action without a sense of self. It is appropriate but no attached action - doing what's right for the moment (so Schumacher's appropriate technology is really non-technology). The point is not to interrupt the flow. It is the opposite of 'action', the grasping motivated by desire for pleasure. "We are the result of our thought." (The Buddha in Dhammapada)

February 2, 1990 (Friday)

Am in a foul mood. Dreamt I moved to a new house. My brother Bob and students Carlos Francis, Matt Petrillo, and Brian Kenny were there, and later at a pub where I worked. Carlos wanted a piece of my blueberry pie. I said: "No. You never share with me." Matt and Brian were going somewhere to smoke without me.
Another dream: I asked a strange boy for help with my motorbike, but was afraid he'd steal it...
Meaning: The ego, fear and greed hindrances at work. Want to connect with my male side, but fear rejection and loss of self.

4:30 meditation as excruciating as ever. Full of ill will - towards Banti for ignoring me, Edi for insisting I stop meditating on time and listen to her endless chatter. No concentration, my right knee is killing me. Why am I here?

Thank God for books, though I shouldn't be reading during the course. Levine says you shouldn't take your 'progress' too seriously. You need to have a cosmic sense of humour: it's not 'me' conquering the 'ego', but the universe returning to itself. Our attempts to capture freedom are absurd. Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. We can't grasp the outcome of what we do. We do what we do, but the result is beyond our control (acknowledging this is the same as trying to do away with 'our'). We can't control the flow; we can only respect the natural order of things.

Try to be the walk. Repeat the step thousands of times till enlightenment strikes. People watch The Sound of Music or listen to Elvis over and over, instinctively trying to be that thing, though in vain. This is a kind of pathetic parody of the universal mind. It's the same with unaware concentrators - artists and musicians -though at least they're part of the flow.

The 4 realities: 1/ the elements we're composed of - earth (pain, touch), air (vibration), water (cohesion), and fire (hot/ cold);
2/ consciousness (mind-points);
3/ emotions (how 2/ relates to external objects);
4/ the unconditioned state (Nirvana).

The 8:00am meditation was much better. I even had a couple of periods of concentration and meditated on the right leg pain with some success. Heartbreak Hotel was back for the walking meditation, but I try not to fight it; I even think of it as a mantra. But then Bernstein's "Freedom" version of Beethoven's 9th at the Berlin Wall hit, and I'm worried it's going to be more insidious yet. Still, it egged me on to more diligent concentration.

Aphorisms: I think, therefore I am (not (whole)). I am not, therefore my being is whole. The real is actual. (Buddha/ Hegel)

Visaja is a good reflector. Right concentration is the realization that only one thing can go on in your mind at a time. The music/ walking (or US President Ford's chewing gum and walking at the same time) is an illusion which the ego puts together out of the flickering, restless, unconcentrated mind. "Take this picture, for example. It has 3 levels: first, it is simply a piece of paper and chemicals, then we can consider its content. Lastly, it is something you like or dislike. We must recognize our tastes as subjective, the content as fleeting, and see it as the paper and chemicals. It's the same with ourselves and our minds."

Joseph Goldstein's Experience of Insight. He suggests we cultivate a sense of aloneness (we must ultimately die alone). This will let us have easier, more meaningful relationships, and help us to be stronger and more peaceful through our understanding. Start each day as a new beginning and follow the Noble 8-fold path: Right understanding (everything constantly changes, the law of cause and effect, disinterestedness), Right thought (not motivated by desire, greed, hatred, cruelty), Right speech and action (not hurting others), Right livelihood (work with a sense of awareness so as not to cause harm), Right effort (balanced with tranquility, "hasten slowly"), Right mindfulness (when you walk, walk) and Right concentration (awareness of the flickering mind). We filter reality through concepts of self, time, nation, ownership, m/f, and beauty. Plato's caveman saw only the shadows. These concepts hold us in the cycle of rebirth into the cave.

Three afternoon sessions - whew! Am getting into the meditative 'high' more easily. Elvis is gone. RevK prolonged the last meditation session. Boredom and discomfort completely overcame me. Then the chants and a long sermon about right views and the belief that we meditators are a kind of select crew. That our striving for enlightenment derives from past karma. But that we still must live in the conventional world. RevK admitted that his own family are only 'Sunday Buddhists' though his mother tried meditation, but said she was too busy to do it regularly. I had another good talk with Visaja about the highs on gets from meditation and the need for meditation to be a means rather than an end in itself. He developed a bit of an addiction to the highs, and eventually they became a block to him. He had to 'let them go'.

February 3, 1990 (Saturday)

My back feels like rigor mortis has set in this morning.

Dreams: 1/ I'm talking to a troubled teenager from SEE. A group of us are smoking joints, though their parents are standing nearby. I don't feel afraid. He's not bad-looking. I want to help him.
2/ Am at an amateur opera production at my high school, a work by Pordill(?). I thought it was Porno for a second [student Matt Petrillo?]. A friend wants to leave after the 2nd act. I borrow a program from a 40-yr old woman.
3/ I have a summer job in Mexico, and rent an apt with Brian Tisdale [UofT gay friend] for $200/mo each. He wakes me up singing Jesus Christ Superstar in the shower (Mary Magdalene's love song).
Meaning: A mix of sexual and religious motifs. I'm approaching 40. [My anima holds to secret of my future. Mexico = Uzbekistan?]

4:30 meditation: my legs hurt and I'm really grouch. Ill will is strong, but I manage to relax. I find the warbling chants of Anoma and co irritating, and Edi's presence distracting during the walking meditation. I try to do it blind, feeling the wall occasionally.

The 4 Noble Truths: 1/ suffering;
2/ arises from attachment to sense pleasures, opinions, rituals and routine, and the ego;
3/ suffering ends only in Nirvana, temporarily through meditation and finally only with enlightenment;
4/ this is achieved by following the Noble 8-fold Path.

Each time, try to resolve to sit still for one whole hour. Try not to pause in the meditation from concentration for even a moment. You get caught up in thoughts and slip down the slope. Try for a relaxed but sharply attentive mind. Parable from the Tao: if you cross a river and an empty boat hits you, you realize there's not point in shouting (only if there's someone in it). So empty your own boat and there will be no one to be harmed. The goal is observation without an observer. Hegel's Being-Nothing-Becoming.

Vipassana Buddhism: Stage 1: simple meditation (concentrating on breathing and walking). Then you string together the mind-moments of the relaxed mind, sifting out those distracted ones, to get a sense of the true mind behind the ego. This does away with the need for a permanent consciousness checking for awareness.
Stage 2: constant observation without the observer.
Try to be aware of breathing in-out from the moment you awake till you to sleep. Watch for intention (I realize I squint involuntarily when I feel pain, tensing my body, making it worse). You don't have to verbalize the intent, just be aware of it. This will help you understand it's not the ego directing things, but the mind-body responding to the universe through intentions which are acted on.

8:00am meditation: no concentration. Terrible pain in right knee. RevK kept us waiting over an hour for our precious meal. My problem is too much intellectualizing - my biggest greed/ desire/ weakness, but also the factor that pushed me here. The 'thing' is not to let my mind confuse concepts with reality, to recognize that it's part of the mind-body process. I walked down Galle Road after lunch. I could feel my temper rising - the crazy honking, curious slightly predatory glances, an aggressive truck cutting me off. Rather than suppressing my anger or fleeing back to the center, I must try to meditate on the moment, to recognize the anger arising, and to try for disinterested observation (right view). The afternoon walking meditation was mellow but uneven. The sitting meditation - the first 15 minutes - was a killer; total frustration, boredom, no desire (but intention). Banti materialized and said simply "the breath", and soon I calmed down into it. Then meditated on the pain to the point that I got an incredible uncontrolled rush, as if the pain were redistributed throughout my body. I accepted (and released) the pain as if the positive rush coexisted alongside the pain and fused with it. However, I couldn't reach the calm positive feeling again, though I felt pleasantly spaced-out.

Banti has been invited to the local YMBA to give a lecture on meditation, so he mobilized us all for a site-seeing trip to the Kalamiya Raj Vihara (the remnants of the largest temple site, in Colombo, most of which was dismantled by the British for their own building needs) and the Asoka Ram Temple. Both are covered in 19th c murals depicting the Buddha's life, encouraged and financed by sympathetic British colonials. Like all temples here, apparently, there are separate subsidiary temples for local Hindu gods.

Insight: I'm responsible for my own failures/ problems (the run-ins with bitch Natasha at MN, the failed PhD), but for my successes too (bits of Right action).

Don Juan's warrior path is like that of Buddhism, requiring self-confidence and self-discipline, denying the ego, struggling to overcome fear, with awareness of intent and the impermanence of things.

By accumulating Right conduct and Right understanding, we gain sufficient merit/ purity (parami) to practice the Dharma. The 3 pillars of the Dharma are generosity, moral restraint and meditation (both simple concentration and insight meditation). Each time we practice the Dharma, we accumulate parami. Through meditation, we gain compassion and sympathetic joy for others' happiness, equanimity, leading to insight. There is no fixed rule about Right conduct - do what's right at the moment. As you develop, the level of generosity, moral restraint and conscious insight develops.

February 4, 1990 (Sunday)

I skipped Banti's trip to Kandy. I couldn't bear the thought of 5+ hours being hurled around narrow mountain roads each way, and knew it would be no good for my meditation practice. I must fend for myself here for food and discipline. A wave of panic and depression hit me.

Dream: A TV documentary is being made (4-part) based on a piece I did about UofT elections (Rob Snell for President). A CP comrade phones to congratulate me. I feel guilt that I refused FredW an article about the BF conference for the CP newspaper.
Meaning: Examining my past. Rejecting the SU.

4:30am meditation hit and miss. Hard to keep back straight. The ego is revealing its mercurial, ephemeral self: lots of ill will towards the old gardener and toothless servant, with his squeaky voice and endless chatter. I couldn't find anything to eat for my 6:00am snack and he speaks not a word of English. I did my best to distance myself from my dislike, seeing him as human and a sign of the impermanence of the material world, when a tasty breakfast appeared out of nowhere at 9:30 and my mood vanished. It dawned on m that they have no food at the monastery other than what they gather as alms every morning, the leftovers being given to the poor and to animals. With Banti on the road, the responsibility fell on Anoma's shoulders.

I proceeded to indulge in a cigarette and lots of reading. We ARE our 6 senses (the 5 plus the mind - mental objects), being bombarded by a continual succession of sense perceptions, different mind-moments. There is no 'I' which is permanent: fear, smell, hate, etc. all come and go constantly. We must learn not to identify with these mind-moments and act through 'their' volition. This is what right views are all about - seeing things just the way they are. Meditation helps train one to reach a level of nonverbal pure sensation, not sensation filtered through the false self. The sensations of the body become like mantras. One becomes aware of the body's sensations from its activities and how it reacts to surrounding stimuli. This leads to a natural virtue, and an inner sense of mind/body harmony. Meditation must be regular and used not just when you're happy or sad. Its healing power overcomes negativity.

Insight: My problem with sex is the inability to experience it directly, unmediated by thought, as purely body-mind without the verbal prohibitions. Going to Moscow was 'stepping into the void' (the void being our true nature), which is the death of the self (though I can't say my self has given up yet). I took away the crutches - dope, SEE, Sony and Harold, the piano - delusions of this self, which gave it sustenance. For the past 10 yrs, I've been alternating between wishing I'd get my life over with sooner, and clinging desperately to a teenage utopia, rather than accepting 'myself' and cherishing and living each moment as it comes. The realization/ awareness of one's own death lends power, grace and fullness to each moment. Live with death as your adviser to remind yourself of the impermanence of everything.

Any action which is a projection of the self (one's pride) creates an opposing tension and conflict. Walk in the world invisible. Be in harmony with the situation in the moment. Don't grasp for wisdom. Try to understand and experience the emptiness of the Tao. The answer to the question "Who am I?" is the asking itself, i.e., the ability to totally respond in the moment, not searching (grasping) for answers. We spend our energy either trying to satisfy the self or fight it, but you must catch your goose before you cook it (which is especially hard if there is no goose).

Right livelihood. What is appropriate at the moment, motivated not by the self, but by service, compassion, insight. There is nothing special (there is no one preordained thing) to do, have or be. You can still plan in the long term, using concepts, but always act in the moment, without attachment to the fruits of your action. The Zen practice of whacking daydreaming monks is to bring them back to the here-and now. Without a self-image, you stay free and flexible to respond in the moment.

February 5, 1990

Yesterday was a step forward; I felt light-headed after 2 good meditation sessions - one with Irshad. The Sunday school children were fun to watch. My left buttock has gone numb; I think I've pinched a nerve, so shall sit on a stool from now on. Everyone returned very late last night from their bone-rattling excursion, so I got myself up for a less excruciating 5:00am meditation which lacked yesterday's peak concentration. My post-breakfast walk regained that somewhat.

Insights: 1/ The walking meditation makes you experience directly the senses of touch (through the feet), and less so, sound, smell, and sight, reducing the sense of mind to volition (steps and turning). It reduces realities to earth and a minimal consciousness. This is the beginner's awareness, as with breathing, experiencing directly the sense of touch (in the diaphragm), reducing realities to air (at first, optimally without consciousness).
2/ An animal is like a walking meditator, without a conscious volitional sense of mind. It has consciousness but no volition, responding only to instinct (scratching an itch, playing, or hunting).

Dream: SuzannaB phones to invite me to a movie. I put her off, feeling uncomfortable. I'm going to Moscow for 3 months. I buy a ticket to London late to get to the SU (my visa's late). Mary Mosser helps as she works at the airline. I get the last ticket for Sept. 6 and plan to come back in Jan/Feb. The clerk writes in February. I think: "It's good for a year. Why not stay in London for a year?" I rent my room at 21 Olive to Paul Sinclair, not Suzanna.
Meaning: Rejecting accommodation with str8 society. The details are drawn from my preparations for making the transition to Moscow.

Visaja explained that karma is inevitably bad. It's your past actions clinging to you, fuelling the cause-effect wheel, the law of karma. Drop each action. Don't cling to it. Make each action a non-action, part of the flow, so it won't be reincarnated.

Aphorisms: The man of Tao remains unknown. Perfect virtue produces nothing. The greatest man is nobody (The best ruler is unknown to his people and takes no part in running things.). (Chuang Tzu)

Levine's final words: be aware of impermanence; this will make you compassionate and invisible.

I'm beginning to panic as the end of my quiet, protected non-action draws to a close. My meditation is rocky. Yesterday was a giddy high in the afternoon. Today it is more sedate. Am trying for Vipassana or insight meditation - total awareness, striving to be aware of the present nonverbally. You can enjoy sensual pleasures but should not become obsessed by them.

February 6, 1990 (Tuesday)

Dreams: 1/ Am with Brian K watching rockets explode on top of a tower. Return to 81 Walnut Ave. a man threatens us and we rush to get inside. 2/ Am watching a figure skating championship from a hockey team's box.
Meaning: Erotic attachment to my students. Want to my inner f to be integrated with m conscious.

Buddhism vs the mind is like an ice cube on a hot plate. They cancel each other out. A trick to out-trick the tricky mind. A medicine. When you're cured, you throw away the medicine
Q: If there's no self, then what is it that becomes enlightened?
A: The self-nonself dichotomy is itself a mere concept. As you follow the 8-fold path, you discard thought, rapture, and happiness. At the highest level, there is unconscious equanimity.

Two monks see a girl trying to cross a muddy patch on the road. One takes her on his back and carries her across. The other is shocked and after an hour, still can't reconcile himself to his companion's action. "How could you carry that woman? That breaks our vows." "I put her down an hour ago. I see you're still carrying her."

My development pattern with everything I do: 1/ early stumbling, intellectualization; 2/ diligent application; 3/ model performance; 4/ disappointment, loss of interest, lack of energy. Will my experience with Buddhism follow this path?

February 7, 1990 (Wednesday)

Banti gave me a 'graduation speech' and talk last night. His parting advice was to practice loving-kindness meditation towards anyone for whom I have aversion, and not to complain about them because that builds up negative energy which undoes the lkm. Don't dwell on past hurts. Start anew.

Dreams: At the Berlin Wall to sing with students. Instead I scrawl "Down with Berlin Wall" and shout it, running along the top of the wall, starting a riot.
Meaning: BW - Betty/Bob Walberg? End internal repression from past.

While walking, I realize that if one overcomes the 5 hindrances, there is no motivation for the random thoughts to invade the peace of the walk, and distract the attention from the fragile focus on being, towards the restless becoming. Perhaps the Buddhist dialect is: nothing - becoming - being. Or maybe it's becoming - being - nothing (2nd law of entropy). Or maybe it's still Hegel's being - nothing - becoming. Words!

Visaja's final words (I told him about D): Don't feed or suppress your defilements and earthly attachments; this just feeds the fire. Through glimmers of insight, you come to realize how they harm you and you begin to control them. If your experience of meditation is positive, the energy of the ego is transformed into good meditation. The collective humiliation I experienced due to Natasha at MN is a case in point. If I'm aware, I'll nip the anger/ humiliation in the bud, rather than letting it burn me up inside. Se it as good (humiliation of the ego). Meditate on loving-kindness first of all for the 'self'.
Rules of thumb for working with the defilements: hatred - loving-kindness meditation; sloth - stretch; restlessness - calm; greed - see the negative side of what you desire; doubt - let it go (you can't know the future), loving-kindness for 'self'

February 8, 1990 (Thursday)

Spent a crazy decadent day getting burnt windsurfing, going to a concert of Rattlesnake in Colombo, smoking weed, and taking a late night taxi back to Sarvodaya.

February 9, 1990 (Friday)

A final talk with Visaja: think of rebirth not necessarily of lives, but in each moment, with each passing mood, your own growth and development through your lifetime. Your body physically renews itself every 7 years.

My meditation has fallen off since then, though I often revert to the breathing meditation when upset or forced to do nothing. I read Maurice Sachs's Witches' Sabbath the week after my retreat, lying on beaches. He documents his depravities and his own attempt to live a monk's life without success. It feels like his own tormented ecstatic life is being lived out by me - love as the body rising to the mind, sex as the mind descending to the body - and the realization of the pointlessness of sex as an end in itself. Sachs's life did not end happily. Whether I'm dealing with his torment and passions any more successfully, only time will tell.