Intimate Worlds Maggie Scarf Beavers System of Family Health and Competence level 5 - no one in authority. No consistent rules. level 4 - polarized family -authoritarian better than confusion and formlessness of level 5 -in face of total disintegration, the loss of personal freedom seems a small sacrifice, tho in long run untenable -rigid ways of behaving AND thinking and feeling level 3 - rule-bound family -control no longer external. Midrange families use the tremendous power inherent in close relationships in order to keep the people within the emotional system in line -conditional love dependent on how well you follow the rules -cuts off contact with one's own insides (real thoughts, wishes) which might threaten the cond'l love -rules impose barrier against spontaneous, authentic, close relating -based on belief that humans are basically uncaring and untrustworthy -try to be what will satisfy cond'l love object (vs level 1/2 where deep sense of trust in dependability and reliability of underlying connections) -projective identification: displacement of what is inside self into what is outside self to rid one's inner world of unacceptable parts (anxiety, sadness, feelings of inadequacy, rage) ie, encourage and create in children those symptoms that you experience and repress internally -levels 1-3 parents => children can't develop fully and grieve their wounds => repetition of neurotic relations unconsciously in own lives (ie wife marries and then torments/ suffers under father-like husband to get revenge against (alcoholic, absent, brutal) father -at the same time her husband unconsciously chose her to repeat his own neurotic relation with abusive mother (ie teenage turned into rebel by mother who projects this unacceptable male behaviour outward to confirm her father's abandonment as being typical of all males) (ie father sees son as sissy reflecting his own insecurity, and actually turns his son into this unconsciously, whether or not the son is gay) -anxiety-laden internal conflict becomes ongoing strife between two or more people -the bottom line is any relationship, even pathological, is better than none -Freud's thanatos: alongside life-enhancing libidinal drives, disintegrative drives tending in a backward-looking, self-harm-seeking direction. The need to re-create painful experiences shows urge not only to hurt but to annihilate self. Desire to be no longer, urge to return to an earlier state, to inorganic, tensionless state before life itself. -repetition to keep connection with psychological past => the past love object (parent) isn't lost anymore -past gives us our internal guideposts for living -easier than the psychological pain of creating new patterns of relating ('the devil you know...') -hard to release the internal parent because still hope to find the perfect love there (first love object) -loving precedes language -eye-contact (also speech rythms, body movements) with mother are long initially but baby turns away when overstimulated (hrt rate up as proof). If mother 1/ persists, violating baby's need for own space, this creates anxiety, loss of ability to distinguish self/other, or 2/ denies, this also creates anxiety (ie twin study where mother set up neurotic eye-contact with one and normal with other) -baby must learn that close relationship AND caring for one's own needs are consistent, NOT contradictory -right from the start, parents must let baby initiate play and make choices so as not to force baby into his/her desires -the less safe the youngster's home base feels, the harder it is to leave it behind both in outer and inner world (paradox). So it is harder to explore reality, both outer and inner, fearing to find things which the attachment figure feels alarming or which would lead to rejection -Philomela, Queen Procne's sister raped by King Tereus who cuts out P's tongue to silence her. Queen kills son and feeds to king. Tereus becomes ugly bird with huge beak, P a swallow (no tongue), Procne a nightingale. -opposites attract (ie Toni needs Henry's firm self boundaries and H needs T's sociability and emotionality) tho both have much in common at emotional level (fear of real intimacy if from rule-bound family) -in big family, can't make yourself heard and get needs met - too many demands, no one listens, rule-bound => hide real feelings -faced with internal threat of desertion, keep 'bags packed', ie tune out -children inherently entitled to unearned care from parents, but some parents require unconditional love and care from their children instead -can't achieve sense of separateness or connectedness by using another person. Becoming a whole person requires that one learn to take responsibility for and to integrate into one's own internal world, both needs of growth and differentiation AND for loving and connecting -parentifying child: make child confidant and companion instead of spouse. Marital boundary violated => system-wide problems (ie son has 'to win is to lose' dilemma - to leave home means guilt and destroying her, so he a/ stays or b/ unconsciously fails in career, has poor social life, drinks, etc) -adolescent oedipal fears should turn parent worship into parent disdain/ hate to maintain generational gap as sexuality develops -clinical tasks: family conferences, acting out, agreements for time together if good behaviour) -must forgive (parent, sibling) for one's OWN mental health, to get free of their influence