from An Intimate History of Humanity
Theodore Zeldin

-sexual relations between men in four phases:
1/ as a conservative force, ritual, magic, integral part of pagan religion, whose gods enjoyed all forms of sex; only when sex ceased to be a divin amusement was homosexuality seriously persecuted.(Shamans, St Aelred of Rivaulx exalted it as a way of discovering divine love)
2/ 12c mass repression in Europe as part of campaign against heresies by Inquisition, making it dangerous and clandestine
-Wilde maintained that we should express desires openly and freely to rejuvenate world, but this was unlikely because people feared to admit what they are really like, so as second-best course, people should discover the satisfactions of pretending and concealing, acting a part and making a fool of oppressors and critics. Genet said there was no point in trying to be oneself because it was impossible to know when one was truly authentic.
Dominique Fernandez was resigned to persecution of homos, which for him means being a pariah, reinforcing his sense of being different from others by being interested in matters which cannot be discussed openly: "Sex is not what interests me most in homos" and cannot be happy homos. Desire is the accomplice of the forbidden. It's not enough to be candid; you need desire, which is not tamable, cannot be articulated.
3/19c homos no longer a sin, but a disease, a sign of defective upbringing, or the result of a genetic disposition. The word homosexuality coined in 1869 by Viennese Benkert to show that homos constituted a third sex independently of their will; hitherto the names they were known by were jocular, not medical, and the world 'gay' revives this tradition. This segregation created enormous anxiety, as homos probed into their deepest feelings, with remarkable artistic results, and rediscovered their history (Newton, Leonardo, Michelangelo, Beethoven?, Hans C Andersen, Horatio Alger). Renaissance Florence -> San Fransisco
-culmination in 'coming out of the closet, the proclamation of Queer Nation,
4/ but they want more than just to be themselves, having as their ultimate goal to escape from themselves, seeking partners from other cultures, other generations, different social classes.
-TE Lawrence found Arab love to 'quit me of my English self'. Desire was the magic which made possible transitions into unknown territory. AIDS prompted investigation of new kinds of relationships 'based on esteem rather than passion or convention', new forms of love-making, more like women's conception of the erotic. Friendships between homos and heteros, where desire ceases to be aggressive, have become a significant new relationship.
-Les Nuits Fauves by Cyril Collard - desperate to escape from aimlessness, determined not to be ashamed of being so many different persons in his life, even while constantly doubting whether there was talent in any of them, refused to be categorised in any way, even sexually 'I am a man but sometimes I feel female.' To be alive means to participate in the 'planetary battle', to be a 'part of history' through the intermediary of the love of another person; not simply being Me, nor You and Me (but We)