A Tribute to the Sketchiest Man Alive Continued

I guess it's understandable hitting on a dude's sister; after all that's just good, clean fun. But "Etch-A-Sketch" doesn't stop there, he goes after girlfriends as well. This one guy in the house has a girlfriend who goes to Maryland and they've been going out for a couple years. She visits often and unannounced, meaning "Etch-A-Sketch" must keep his room clean at all times.

On one occasion, the school theater was playing a movie they wanted to see, and being too nice, the girlfriend asked "Etch-A-Sketch" if he wanted to come along. Not realizing she was just being polite, he not only popped a lanky Woodie, but jumped at the chance to be the third wheel after changing his boxers. And because its "Etch-A-Sketch" we're talking about, he acted as the fourth and fifth wheels as well.

Not to waste any time, getting into the car on the way to the theater, "Etch-A-Sketch" goes to the passenger-side door and opens it for her, a polite enough gesture. Once he Stretch Armstrong's his way into the non-lankily built car, he reverts to form and sketchily exclaims, "I'm such a better boyfriend than you!" Awkward enough.

Soon after departure, the girlfriend said that she didn't think she could drink anymore, for various reasons. Having gone a few seconds after that without making anything awkward (marking a new record), he then says out-of-the-blue, "Thats a shame because I feel like the best times we have together are the ones when we can't remember anything." I don't even know what to say about that. With such a thoughtful and profound heart-felt sentiment, if I were her I would have just melted in my seat. After regaining my composure, I then would have ditched my normal, good-looking boyfriend and immediately thrown myself into the bony arms of Captain Lanky. Amazing self-restraint on her part.

I'm actually surprised that "Etch-A-Sketch" had only one note-worthy moment in the theater, but nonetheless. The girlfriend had left for a second and when she came back announced, "Here guys, I brought you some soda and popcorn." Remembering the clear edict in the New Jersey Sketchball Book of Dating that "...stalking someone is tantamount to dating them," "Etch-A-Sketch" thanked her, grabbed the soda and popcorn, and ate all of it by himself.

Later, on the way back from the movie, they are once again approaching the car. As the girlfriend is just a few steps from the door, "Etch-A-Sketch" realizes another prime opportunity to up-stage the lowly "boyfriend." Nevermind that he has to completely cut her off and nearly knock her over en route to the door-handle, he lankilly brushes by her and opens the door once again, repeating, "I'm such a better boyfriend than you!" After then romantically opening the door for himself, he must have thought he was on easy street. The awkward scale just reached Muresanian heights.

Finally, upon arriving back at the house, "Etch-A-Sketch" hastily undoes his seat-belt and while practically leaping out of the car yells to the girlfriend, "Don't you dare touch that door." HAHAHAHA. What a fucking douchemonkey. This girl must be heartless, because somehow she was not wooed in the least by "Etch-A-Sketch."

As if all this wasn't proof enough, a few days later I was in "Etch-A-Sketch's" room when his best friend from home called. I wish someone else was there to witness it, but it was the funniest conversation I've ever heard in my life. Now both these romantics hail from the Dirty-Jersey, and they represented it fa sho, dawg. Unfortunately, unlike these two incredibly ghetto white people I'm Caucasian (except for my pimply 1/64 Cheyeneness of course) so I can't quote their conversation directly, because half the words I didn't understand. But I digress.

For over 15 minutes (which, taking out the "Yo," "Dawg," "For Shizzle," and sketchy laughter actually was about 5 minutes) their whole conversation alternated between each person talking about a certain girl they had met, and how they had convinced her and her group of friends to visit them in the Dirty-Jers over break. If all the shit they had said was true, they could single-handedly double the amount of tourists New Jersey gets all year. Perhaps they could leverage this position and make the new state slogan: "We know we're America's Landfill, but if you don't mind smelling like that month-old Tuna Fish, come on down for some sketchy dudes who will hook-up with anything that moves--or doesn't move, it really doesn't matter so long as the orifice is large enough.

(Unfortunately, everything written above is 100% true.)

Have any comments that you would like to share with King Gut? Email me at: Gutmeister8@netscape.net

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