Proper Urinal Etiquette Finally Explained

The other day I went into the bathroom and walked in right behind another person, so I gave him the obligatory go-ahead in choosing his urinal. There was already someone there and this person (Person A) was holding down the far right. Now the way the Comm School's urinals are lined up is pretty standard: 4 regular-sized and 1 of those mini-sized ones on the far left. So here comes the big decision.

He chooses the 4th from the left, or the last regular-sized urinal. Now that may be what you would have chosen, but that's because you're a fucking idiot just like this douchemonkey. The only time this choice is acceptable is if you're in a very sparse region of bathroom-usage (i.e. Sahara desert) AND there was no one else close behind you when entering the bathroom. (Note: The 4th urinal should never, under any circumstance be taken in the special case of a bathroom with no separators between urinals. In this situation, always take the one that puts you furthest from anyone else.) Anyways, as I hope you realize, by choosing the 4th stall you place the third person in an extremely unenviable position. Person B has effectively ruined any possible hetero-barrier for Person C, and he must either hold it or make one of the toughest decisions known to man-kind.

The obvious choice is to wait-but the problem here is that sometimes you have something timed so perfectly that the results could be deadly with any unexpected delays and more importantly waiting doesn't make the following analysis fun. The problem with choosing the far left urinal is that given the low height, there is a greatly increased chance of splashitude of your lemonade. And worse, the splash will occur so low that only the white-trashiest people will have shirts long enough to cover it up. Of course that is the best case scenario; if one were to be wearing shorts and the splash hit the leg after occupying a previously un-flushed urinal, one would have to amputate.

The next choice might be considered the stall. The problem here is that in small bathrooms like those in a school, it sounds like the fucking stall is attached to a sound system. If you've ever heard anyone pee in one of those, than you know you can make out every single drop that lands in the water and even those that hit the seat. But even that's not so bad; the real kicker is when you start slowing down and the follow-up jiggle commences. All primary streams sound just about the same, but the shake at the end is quite personal. Every now and then it's just one of those pees where there are like 5 secondary streams and all you want to do is get out of there. (Not to mention the old-third-stream-is-longer-than-the-second-stream phenomenon, which is just plain awkward.)

And what are we left with? Either of the middle urinals. Holy Shit are we in for trouble here. Say you come in to the bathroom and the 1st and 4th urinals are taken. So you take either of the middle ones and then right as you start the two other peers zip up and take off out the exit door. Well someone comes strolling in the entrance door and sees you standing alone in a middle urinal. That's the kind of shit that can ruin your reputation in a hurry.

So that means in a five-stall, far-left mini-urinal with a 1 and 4 occupation the only viable alternative is: Pee in the sink like a fucking man. Not only can you stand a couple feet back and arc it in, you also gain the respect of everyone around you (but not the janitorial crew). Now don't get me wrong, the sink follow-up jiggle is tough, but as with any respect-commanding move, you gotta persevere (and make sure your feet are well behind the danger area).

Have any comments that you would like to share with King Gut? Email me at: Gutmeister8@netscape.net

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