Birthday Gifts Everyone Will Love

Birthday's are so fucking stupid. But people that make a big deal about them are even stupider. The only exceptions are if you're turning 21 or some big round number like 100, have some extremely dangerous occupation, or overcame some physical detriment. If this isn't the case, then who the fuck cares? Holy shit, it's your birthday? WOW. You went a whole 365 days without falling off a cliff?, a whole year without plugging your ass for so long that your feces kept building up like the Hoover Dam until you finally exploded in a diarrheal eruption the likes of which would make Mt. Vesuvius so jealous that it would want to come out of retirement?, fucking unbelievable. You deserve more than just a shitty present, you should get some sort of Non-Moron Medal to wear prominently on your chest so everyone can see that you're not a fucking idiot.

But nooo, society dictates that friends send you stupid cards and give you gifts that you're probably never going to look at again. For that reason, I've come up with some fool-proof gifts that are right not only for birthdays, but for any occasion, provided you are a female of course. Get your check-books out ladies:

Positive: You'll be the envy of everyone in town. This is something you will probably want to tell your grand-children about someday.
Negative: Risk of choking and/or drowning should not be taken lightly. Since I am Cheyewish, some sort of oral stretching will be required prior to domage.

Positive: As if it weren't obvious enough, this is every woman's dream come true.
Negative: All future intimate encounters will seem lackluster in comparison.

Positive: This gift is particularly geared towards those large-boneded ladies with a fine nose for cuisine.
Negative: The one caveat, however, is that just like potato chips, often you can't have just one of these.

Positive: A perfect remedy for those with a pale complexion. If you like that look of extreme sun-burn (and ladies, who doesn't?) but don't want those harmful UV rays, then this is an ideal solution.
Negative: Having a monster dong does have it's downfalls, and unfortunately young children whose cranium bones are not yet fully fused must not redeem this coupon. The excessive mass will buckle the cranium and cause permanent deformity.

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