Quotes from the Morons that Populate the Commerce School

First of all, you’re probably wondering what the commerce school is. Since UVA is so cool in every aspect, we call our business school the commerce school. Further indouchiating ourselves is the fact that you’ll never hear someone say the word campus. That’s because you’re not on campus here, you’re on “grounds.” Lastly, I’m not a Junior, I’m a Third Year. Yes I know, we’re fucking douchebags, and I hate us more than you.

To get into the commerce school here, you have to apply after your second year. The application process is bullshit. Basically, it’s all about grades. But in order to make it seem like there may be some qualitative factors as well, they have you write an essay about some event in your life where you were faced with an ethical dilemna. Obviously, I made up some story about not cheating, when in fact I’m sure I did cheat. The point of all this is to say that the application process is supposed to weed out the fucking morons. And like a midget at a urinal, it just didn’t work out.

Case in point: We were reading some esoteric article about antiquated business strategy that couldn’t possibly be less interesting/applicable/pornographic, when I said something about the author thinking about the long-term. Right after that, hot-but-exceedingly-mentally-challenged-comm-student chimes in, “Yeah, he thinks the long-term is important (an eloquent restatement of what I just said). It’s like you have to think a half-century, sometimes even 50 years into the future!” Are you fucking kidding me? So I start laughing at her assuming other people would join in, but everyone else was sleeping and the teacher was deciding which method of suicide would be fastest, so I just looked like a dick.

Unfortunately, this next story is also 100% true. We were talking about the lack of specialization of labor at some firm so someone says, “This reminds me of the blacksmith days where he would work on the shoe from start to finish without anyone’s help.” It’s funny though, because when I was at the store I almost bought the new Nike Steel, arguably the least comfortable shoe imaginable. Its marketing slogan is pretty clever too: When you bend your foot, it doesn’t; when you cut your foot, it gives you tetanus; and when you walk, it schafes worse than watching a porno with sand-paper glued to Old Faithful. Nike has done it again thanks to another fucking moron in the Comm School.

I'm sorry to say there will be many more where these came from.

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