Way Too Hot Out

Holy shit it's been hot. It's like the Sun overdosed on Mexican food, contracted a monster case of diarrhea, and is machine-gun shitting right on me. After just walking home from the metro last night and getting fucking pelted with the Sun's Feces Photons, I was soaked in sweat. In order to help you understand the severity of my saturation, perhaps the following metaphor will shed some more light: I was coated worse than a piece of toast caught in the middle of an African Tribal Circle Jerk. So after having a piece of toast (American toast, thank you) I tried to peel off my shirt but it was stuck to me, so I was forced to flex my enormous pectorals just to get the shirt off. I've gone through way too many shirts that way; I'm like The Hulkster but much pimper since I don't need to use my hands. Also, steroids haven't shriveled my testacles to the point where I would be jealous of an ant's potato sack. But I digress.

The other day I ran home from the gym and I had a dome appointment in ten minutes so I had to jump in the shower quickly. When I got out, I just kept on sweating. That's the worst feeling ever. For some reason, you feel even stickier than before the shower. It's like the soap mixes with the sweat and turns into shitty tasting maple syrup. Even worse, it was too hot to wrap my monster dong around my leg so I just had to drag it along the floor all day (Soon to be another article, so I won't expound further).

The best part is that the annoying secretary for some reason is always fucking cold. But not only does she always feel cold, she always talks about being cold too. So after asking herself if it is, in fact, cold inside and giving herself an affirmative nod and an, "mmm hmmmm," she opens the fucking door when it's like 100 degrees outside without any consideration for everyone else. What a perfect waste of energy; now the A/C works harder and a fucking wave of heat smacks me right in the face. So one thunderous "PHWAP" later I exact my revenge by smacking her with a lovely ferdunk across her empty dome hoping that some of my genetalia's intelligence will leap from my humpty dumpty into her head. She may be nice and warm, but she now has a very decorative red stripe across her face.

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