That’s right, I broke the century mark in MineSweeper. I had always considered myself an athlete, but I had never dreamed of something like this. The right forearm strength and agility required was unlike anything I had ever imagined. My girlfriend was left unsatisfied many a night due to the finger fatigue I had to endure these two grueling months. Most people have stretch marks on their chest, I have massive streaks across my right arm. And now, after many nights of inability to beat off for more than 1 minute at a time, heat packs, bottles of Advil, and red eyes, I finally uncovered the Holy Grail. Of course, you may be wondering why it took me so long. Well, the answer is below you:

That patronizing face is what drove me to take my anger out on the fireplace. (I hope Santa's fat-ass doesn't have enough room to squeeze in now, what with Christianity's marginalization of the women's role in religion).

After that stupid move, in which I was paced for an 80 second game, I turned and punched my brick fireplace and was out of commission for a week and a half. But like any athlete dedicated to his world-recognized sport, I didn't just rest idly. Whenever I closed my eyes I ran through possible scenarios and configurations and mentally raced through games. Also, in my mental games, I used 100 mines instead of 99, just to be crazy. And all my mental preparation paid off. (And yes, I'm quite aware of my over-use of "mental" the past three sentences.) Clearly the elusive Holy Grail lived up to its name, is it threw me for a loop time and time again. I’ve replayed that error a thousand times in my head and has haunted me until this moment. Once again I can sleep without nightmares. That is, until I once again see Nickelodeon's "Are you afraid of the Dark?" HOLY SHIT, that gets me every time.

Anyway, I had to keep my quest on the DL, because as I understand it, chicks probably don't appreciate the supreme sacrifice and sense of accomplishment that MineSweeper elicits. But now I am able to bask in all the glory and adoration that such a supreme act merits. HAIL KING GUT.

Have any comments that you would like to share with King Gut? Email me at: Gutmeister8@netscape.net

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