It's Amazing how Stupid Kids Are

It amazes me how stupid kids are. The other day I was driving and my bladder was the size of a nursing Pam Anderson's right melon (which, after extensive study and observation, I've found to be slightly larger than the left one). Instead of pulling over and executing a knee-piss, I stopped by my friends house nearby. Luckily, his parents were entertaining guests who had a 5 year-old daughter. I love how this shit always happens to me.

Although she was tiny, she was the loudest person I've ever met. It's like they surgically implanted a fucking megaphone in her larynx and hooked that up to an amplifier, presumably hidden in her intestines. As funny as it was, all she would do is sing, "Meow, meow, meow, meow..." I tried to teach her the Meow Mix song but she kept butchering it, so I knew I had to think of something fast. If there's one thing I don't stand for, it's the defaming of clever jingles wrought upon us by Corporate America.

Using my X-Ray vision, I noticed she had Starbursts in her pocket. I told her I had an incredibly fun game, which I called the Trash Game. Basically she gives me a Starburst, I eat it, then she has to race to the trash-can and throw out the wrapper. She kept breaking her own fastest time, it was amazing. (You may think what I was doing was mean, but her husband is going to be a pretty happy camper some day.)

Plus, who gives away Starbursts? I'm not talking about those shitty yellow ones either, I'm talking Tropical Fruit Chews: Mango melon, Kiwi Banana, etc. Kids are so fucking dumb. All you have to do is talk in a stupid voice, and they go into servant mode. "You know what would be fun? The Trash Game!" YIPPEE HOORAY. It's awesome: you give me food and then throw shit out for me, and it's not even your fucking birthday. Next, we can play the "Clean Up the Splattered Piss on the Toilet Seat™" game!

Parker Brothers my ass, the Gutmeister knows what kind of games real kids enjoy. Monopoly fucking blows: it's always the same properties, same money amounts, same dice, no fucking surprises there. The Toilet Seat game, however, is extremely dynamic. Kids will be constantly on their toes: for one, they won't be able to reach the toilet seat without doing so, but also there are 360 degrees of possible trouble-spots, varying sizes and formations, differing colors depending on the dehydration of the culprit, etc. Additionally, the scenery is unparalleled as the game can even be expanded to neighbor's and friend's houses. No boredom there. Additionally, the game is the cheapest out there, all you need is a scrubbing brush and one of those kick-ass hour-glass timers. As an added bonus, the parents can even exploit their children and charge people to have the game played in their house, hence the game pays for itself. Economical and good, soon-to-be clean, family fun, this game kicks ass for all parties involved.

But the virtues of the game don't stop there, it also combines exercise and real-world experience:

• That scrubbing will do the child good, exercising the arms and calves at the same time as they reach and scrub.
• Eye-hand coordination is a must, as there is a time limit on each stain clean-up.
• Balance is absolutely vital. As such, the stabilizer muscles will be expanded, and any child unable to conquer the balance obstacle will invariably slip, and self-swirly themself. Clearly, points will be deducted accordingly.
• Practice for the days of being a house wife. Combined with a proper cooking class, this young lady will be all set to be a mindless servant.
• It even enhances cognitive abilities, as over-achievers can also try and guess how many days old it is, depending on the crusticity of the urine stains!

Note: Above results not typical with normal children.

Please also note: all afore mentioned games are copyrighted by the Gutmeister^© Inc., Corp. Corporation Incorporated LLP.

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