New York In A Nutshell

Last week when I went to New York a few things really stuck out.

But there's no doubt what stuck out the most: The Nipples. Although I went in early August, I could have sworn it was the last Thursday in November because I've never seen so many cooked turkeys in my life. Walking down the street was immensely dangerous--not because of the cabbies who evidently score points for hitting people, but because of the risk of eye injury. If someone is brave enough to walk down the sidewalk, you have to constantly be on your toes not to get your eyes poked out by these perennially perky young (and even disgustingly old) ladies. Maybe the drinking water has some sort of ariola-inducing growth hormone, because silver dollars looked like mere pennies next to these freaks of nature. I can't even imagine winter there--it must be like carrying around two deliciously suckable javelins.

Another thing I noticed is that everyone seems very high-strung, especially the drivers. I have never heard so much fucking honking in my life. Maybe the radio stations there are all so shitty that the only way to drown them out is with superfluous honking. Car manufacturers should build New York cars special so that when you're not honking the horn, the horn sounds, and when you are honking, you get silence. The douchebags that are driving are probably too stupid to figure this out and hence is more than just a short-term solution. Alternatively, instead of car horns they should install those little bike chimes; that way instead of being "cool" by honking, you look like the huge pussy that you really are. There's no need to honk, just fucking hit the pedestrian if they're J-walking. It's a pretty big city, no one's going to miss them. Plus, now they get to sleep in a much bigger place than their room at home--a coffin. Actually, if you're living in New York, death is a pretty fucking sweet deal. First of all, your family will get the insurance money, plus you'll save about $5,000 a month on rent, and you'll be upgraded to a bigger, quieter, living quarter.

Although not specifically about New York, I took an Amtrak train there and back. Basically, if you're not 7 feet, it's going to be uncomfortable. In an attempt to make the ride more enjoyable, they give you way too much room between you and the seat in front of you. In order to use the foot-rest you have to slouch down in your seat and stretch our legs causing you to miss the head-rest so that it pushes your chin down into your chest. Unfortunately, my boobs aren't quite big enough to enjoy this position. The one bug plus, however, is with all the leg room, I was able to unroll my "carry-on luggage," which I can usually only do in large rooms.

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