Keep the Toilet Lid Up Fuckers

Why is it proper etiquette to put the toilet lid down after using the bathroom? It doesn’t make any sense. Let’s see, you put the toilet lid down, and now what happens when the next person goes to use the toilet, they freakin put it right back up. Unless you live in a home with no furniture and your toilet doubles as a chair which you worry about falling into, keep the lid down. I’ll now go over some irrefutable reasons why the toilet lid should remain up at all times:

• Say you’re coming back from class and as you’re walking home your cell piece is blowing up and it’s Nature, telling you he’s coming to visit in 5 minutes. As you near your house the internal turd is muscling its way en route to the sphincter. So you’re walking back like Frankenstein would and clenching your ass cheeks together tighter than a pedestrian in Dupont Circle (or San Francisco for you non-DCers), when finally you reach the door. As seems to always happen when you’re in a hurry, you fumble the keys and eventually get the door open. It’s a matter of seconds at this point, so you awkwardly run to the bathroom, taking off the belt as you go, and begin to drop the pants as you swing the door open. You think you’re home free, so you lighten up a little. At this point you’ve reached the point-of-no-return. THEN SHIT. The lid is down and you have a giant Easter Egg lying on the seat. Now I bet you're glad you practiced good etiquette.
• If there’s one thing I don’t want to touch, it’s another dude’s cornhole. But another thing I don’t want to touch is the fucking toilet seat for which the odds of this happening greatly increase if you have to reach for the lid. Out of all the 2 bombs in a given toilet, try to convince yourself that none has had the mass to cause a splash up and hit the bottom of the seat. If wiping your own ass isn’t good enough, why not saturate your hand with other people’s residual shit-water.
• Toilet water isn’t like deli meat where you need to seal it in order to keep it fresh. Your toilet needs to breathe, people. Open a window, let it air out. By keeping it closed all the time, you present the risk of what rocket scientists call shit-permeation, whereby the shit smell gradually works its way to the outer edges of the toilet seat. Once that stage is reached, every time you sit down on the seat the shit smell molecules are transferred to your arse and seep into your body, causing something far worse than B.O.
• There is however, one valid reason for leaving the lid down. Say you drop a monster and are too engrossed in the Maxim you’re reading to remember to give the courtesy flush. Long story short, the toilet is clogged and darn near over-flowing. Plunge it yourself? Nonsense. Just put the lid down to trap the delicious aroma in and wait for the next person to find your present (this works especially well in other people’s houses during a large group gathering).

I encourage you all to write your local comgressmen and ask for a repeal of this common practice.

Back to the Kick-Ass Main Page