Umpiring

After a couple years of umpiring, I've been able to identify a few groups of players:

1) An alarming percentage of today's youth are a bunch of pansies. But not only that, they lack the aesthetic splendor and wonderful aroma of the flower for which they're affectionately dubbed. Therefore, I'll call these hairless clams "Super-Pansies."

The other day this kid was pitching about 10 MPH, and hit a Super-Pansy in the back. Due to the extreme impact, the Super-Pansy dropped to the ground and started crying. Obviously, I started laughing while Mr. and Mrs. Super Pansy rushed onto the field to make sure the Super-Pansy's Super-Tampon wasn't permanently lodged in.

The ball hit him in the butt, the least painful spot possible. However, I think I now know why he was crying: with a stinger in the ass, his personal life is ruined. Coincidentally, an "iffy" teammate on the bench was also worried. Hmmm.

Miraculously, a minute later he somehow culled enough willpower to get up!!! The crowd went wild, but not because the Super-Pansy was alright. I'm sure the other parents were all cheering because their children weren't Super-Pansies like this one.

Since I'm a nice guy, I have a suggestion for him. Next time he's enjoying his Playgirl, he should pop his one-inch wood and fall forward landing face-first (and my suggestion is even in beautifully alliterative prose). Assuming the angle of contact is correct, his "penis" should correspondingly invert into his body, hence forming a more appropriate anatomical structure for him. This will also give him the possibility of playing with something that he otherwise would never have been able to without the assistance of lots of money.

2) Then there are the shitty players whose fathers used to play sports. Granted, they now have to waddle and need to take a water-break en route to coach third base, but they're not above shouting out moronic suggestions to their unathletic offspring in the hopes that someday their children will turn out just as shitty at sports as they did.

My favorite suggestion is, "Just look the ball in." What the fuck does that mean? Unless your son is a Jedi Fucking Master, you're going to have to do a shitload more than that to hit the ball. A bound and gagged squirrel could "look the ball in." Even Super-Pansy could look the ball in. In fact, I bet Super-Pansy does a lot more to balls than just "look 'em in."

3) Then there are the good kids. This is my favorite group for one simple reason: this group has the highest rate of MILFage. This phenomenon is due to the Trophy Effect, which is also why private schools are rife with hot chicks.

4)By far the most annoying group is the pitchers who look good in warmups and then choke worse than chickens (read: dome-giving females) trying to inhale HungLikeHorse's massive genetalia. (Just remember our slogan: Once you've been with a Cheyew, you're dream has come true. [And by our slogan, I mean mine.]) Right when you think it's gonna be a quick inning, these choke-artists become less accurate than a monkey throwing his own feces. Ordinarily, their first three pitches are so far off the mark that the backstop can barely contain it. So then just to fuck with them, I'll call the fourth crappy pitch a strike. Then when someone asks if I'm serious, I'll say, "No. That was the worst fucking pitch I've ever seen. I've seen chicks squeeze objects out of their cornholes with more accuracy than that shitty excuse for a pitch. Why don't you try either switching throwing arms or practice ass-pitching?" Then I'll give them some websites where they can verify the accuracy of these alleged "Chick-Cornholio-Chuckers." If there's one thing I've learned, it's that parents love it when you a) curse b) make fun of their kids c) give interactive porn-sites for them to explore with their kids. It's not often you can kill three birds with one stone.

5) What would a Little League game be without shitty players that think they're good? This is where the role of the umpire becomes especially important: we need to demolish their confidence before they're old enough to realize how much they blow. Typically, this is the kid who will jump backwards on an OUTSIDE pitch. To answer your question, yes, these kids do resemble Super Pansies, except it's not as overt. Without such a humane act on my part of shattering all hopes they may have in succeeding in any sort of endeavour even remotely requiring physical exertion besides pillow-biting, these become the ones that everyone makes fun of during high school tryouts. However, their stint on the playing fields don't end there. They often become the water boys and jock-strap lickers in the hopes of one day becoming Rudy. Unfortunately for them, they are unliked and no one will ever chant their name since no one knows it unless it rhymes with a funny part of the anatomy like Fresticle or Singleterry. The only thing they ever end up playing though is some sort of woodwind, which makes sense since they blow everything anyway.

6) Somehow, I had forgotten the most relevant group for me, The Young Gutmeisters. These kids are readily identifiable: dangerously beautiful, absurdly intellegent, and freakishly athletic. Typically they strike out the side in nine pitches, and then hit a homerun in the next half-inning--batting opposite handed. Also their social skills are top-notch, as they talk-up the umpire as all the parents are wishing their children were like him. Not unusual for this stud to get with teammates' older sisters after a victory. Or loss. Or Tuesday night. Basically anytime he wishes.

Fortunately, all these groups provide entertainment value in a unique way. The Young Gutmeister's give you hope for the future, the Super-Pansies give you someone to make fun of afterwards, the Shitty-Gene group provides you with people to strike out just to see their parents' reactions (namely, "He just didn't look the ball in"), the Jock-Strap Lickers make you happy you're not them, the Choke-Artists allow you have an excuse for cursing and showing off your extensive collection of memorized porn-site addresses, and the MILF group passes the time in between innings.

I love kids.

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