Miracle saves Christian in Indian earthquake
A Christian today reported that Jesus himself saved him from the injun earthquake. "A big chunk fell from the ceiling - I expected to die...But god saved me and it killed someone else instead. Praise Jesus!
Rush Limbaugh to benefit from new enterprise
A controversial new service is providing professional callers for radio stations
that feel ordinary phone-in listeners are not lively enough.
Stations that use the professional callers rarely identify them as ringers - which is
apparently part of the appeal of "Callers On Demand," one of several programming
services offered by a syndication company partly owned by TV veteran Dick Clark.
"Our army of ‘live' callers are standing by to jumpstart your talk show,"
reads a pitch on the company's website
"Let's face it, most times, if the callers suck, you're out of luck. Why risk it?"
Callers On Demand provides improvisational comedians and impersonators who
"talk about hot topics, bring phone scams to life and generally act like real people.
"They'll be the dream callers you deserve, but so rarely get," the website promises stations.
The rise of services that phony up callers is part of a growing trend in the media
to spice up political programming with seasoned pros.
"This is unbelievable," says sore loser Jack Swanson, of hell-bound San Francisco's commie KGO and KSFO.
"If radio hires fake callers, why not start making up news stories?"
Libertarians organizing "Church of Christ, Capitalist"
Several planning sessions funded in part with 100% tax-deductable charitable donations from Freedom America have taken place in secret locations to plan for this massive enterprise. The plan: a truly libertarian nation, with zero taxes and total economic freedom, with a population of about one thousand.
The main area of debate was location. While some suggested building an island or ship, others suggested buying a chunk of a third world country. "Third world coutries have hardly any taxes or government anyway, so I think they would be more than happy to sell us some fertile land that their people are too lazy to cultivate." Said an advocate "I think that would cost at very most a trucklosd of guns or land mines - in short, dirt cheap." However, most of the croud - patriots to the core - had no desire to leave America and live among less pride-inducing people.
One Freedom America member had a bold suggestion: build the new nation in America, right under the omnipotent states noses. "Nobody looks where it is most obvious" he pointed out "and after all, the government is so inept - they are incapable of taking care of social security, for example - it will not be capable of finding and taxing us."
Thus the stage was set for the second planning session, in which it was debated where in America the new nation would be built. It was concluded that the best place to find good land would be on an indian reserve, as indians are all on welfare and therefore too lazy to farm, or even bother to check if someone is living on their "land" (Which has simply been handed to them from the omnipotent state anyway).
The final location chosen is a secret, but what we can reveil is that it is near the border between Montana and Alberta, Canada.
A get together in the form of a soccer game helped the future "libertopians" (as they will be called) get to know one another. The two main groups involved are libertarian activists, and curious locals, so it was decided to form respective teams.
The libertarian activists were quick to score ten times against the home team, who had zero scores. The locals began to whine and gripe, saying that their side of the field was at the bottom of a hill, their shoes "fell apart", that they were tired from working at manual labor all day, while their coach had to work overtime, and they were all "hungry" because they "could not afford" the food at the dining establishments we had agreed upon. In short, the losing team was turning to class warfare to hide its obvious ineptitude.
We told them to pray harder and let some of their best players play on our team. Some failures whined and we told them that if they played harder they could join our team and replace the other guys. Finally, we told them that God chose us to win and them to lose, which shut them up pretty good.
Freedom America vows to have up to date information on this bold enterprise when it becomes avaliable.
Freedom America advocates the banning of sex
Jesus wants America to be more like heaven. And there is no sex in heaven: Jesus himself said: "For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in mariage, but are like angels in heaven." (Mattew 22:30; Mark 12:25; Luke 20:35,36).
All of 1 Corinthians 7, especially 1 Corinthians 7 :8,9 condems sex, even for those who are married. While it is permissable for sick degenerate perverts to have sex with their wives, it does not stop them from being sick degenerate perverts. True Christians do not have sex with anyone, even their wives.
Reporter returns from inaguration.
Over a week after the inaguration, our reporter sent to cover the parties has finally recovered from his hangover. He now reports:
Dick Cheney (a Vietnam War supporter who sought and was awarded a deferment so not to have to go himself) had an inauguration party titled "Salute to Veterans"! It was hosted by Gerald McRaney (Major Dad, a Vietnam War supporter who sought and was awarded a deferment so not to have to go himself), featuring Tom Selleck (a Vietnam War supporter who sought and was awarded National Guard duty so not to have to go himself). Entertainment was provided by family values advocate Lee Greenwood (who has been divorced five times and has no link to the military whatsoever) who will sang God Bless the USA.
I was far too tipsy to notice, but some said there were surprise guests; Attorney General John Ashcroft (a Vietnam War supporter who sought and was awarded a deferment so not to have to go himself) and President George W. Bush (a Vietnam War supporter who sought and was awarded National Guard duty so not to have to go himself). There is also talk of a tribute to John Wayne (who was the only celebrity of his time to flat out refuse to join the fight in World War II) but by then I was only semi-concious.
Chinese child-eating confirmed
"She [the doctor] said the "best" were first-born males from young women. "We don't carry out abortions just to eat the foetuses," she said, but added that the foetuses would be "wasted if not eaten". The newspaper said the foetuses were eaten as a soup, together with pork and ginger.
A woman doctor, referred to only as Wang, from the Sin Hua Clinic, Shenzhen, was quoted as saying the foetuses were "even better than placentae" in nutritional value. "They can make your skin smoother, your body stronger and are good for kidneys," she said. "
For more information see http://www.otherside.net/drfrank.htm Bush finally bringing change to America:
Bush is making lazy people work harder, as proven by last week's Layoff Report:
Chrysler 26,000 jobs lost
Lucent 10,000 jobs lost
WorldCom 10,000 jobs lost
GM 14,400 jobs lost
Sara Lee 7,000 jobs lost
JC Penney 5,500 jobs lost
Ford 4,150 jobs lost
Textron 3,600 jobs lost
Caterpillar 2,500 jobs lost
AOL/Time Warner 2,000 jobs lost
