Endearments

Endearments

I stared at my wedding ring, twirling the band of gold around my finger. I still didn't know on what impulse had I rushed into marriage with Hilde. We met on the plane while I was on a flight to a new life, away from Heero. My relationship with Heero was a mistake. He can never love me back the way I wanted him to. After all, he was a married man, husband to the Queen of the world, a very influential politician. I couldn't carry on with our relationship anymore. I needed a life of my own, a happiness to call of my own.

Hilde was a great girl. She was outgoing and jovial, a personality so much in contrast to Heero's. No, not him again. Why did my thoughts keep going back to him? I needed to forget all these and I hoped Hilde could help me forget him.

After two months of whirlwind courtship, we decided to get married. Hilde was thrilled. I knew she loved me very much and I hoped I loved her just as much. We settled down in a distant colony where I found work as a mechanic in the salvage yard while Hilde played her role as a homemaker. We didn't have much money so we had to scrimp and save but life was sweet. Hilde would prepare dinner and wait for me at the door every evening. We will chat happily over the simple meal.

But half a year later, things began to change. Hilde was feeling bored of the life as a housewife. She was an adventurous person who couldn’t be tied down. She tried her best to be a good housewife but it's adventures that she had always longed for. We went into marriage with romantic ideals, seeing things on the surface, and not bothering to fully understand each other. Once responsibilities set in, things weren't so rosy anymore. I guessed we didn't know what we were in for. Like people said, whirlwind romancers were often impulsive souls who were led by their feelings. The first year, often called the honeymoon stage, was where each person was still trying his/her best to please. The second year was the test year, when squabbles and differences arise. And our marriage was only six months old.

She complained about being neglected. I admit I had neglected her. I buried myself into work to forget him. Even after getting married, I still can't forget him. He was always on my mind, haunting me. Whenever I made love to Hilde, I would remember how he used to make love to me. I was so darn hopeless. Now, my marriage was on the rocks. I tried to salvage my marriage. I began to spend more time with Hilde, trying to please her.

Then Hilde was pregnant. We thought that perhaps a child could save our marriage and we looked forward to its birth. Nine months later, we had a daughter whom we named Dixie. The baby was difficult to take care, she kept crying. Being young parents, we were at a loss, not knowing what to do. Hilde was suffering from a post-natal depression. She became very emotional and depressed, refusing to take care of the baby. When Dixie was three months old, the doctor diagnosed her as autistic. The truth about our child's condition shattered both of us and that proved to be the last straw for Hilde. She filed for divorce.

I threw myself into depression, hitting the bottle to drown my misery. I sent Dixie to a childcare center for autistic children after Hilde left me. I knew I was shrinking away from my responsibilities but my life was a mess; I couldn't drag my daughter into it with me. I told myself I wouldn't get involved in another relationship again. I couldn't take another heartbreak. I wouldn't want to fall into the web of love again. No, not anymore.

I remained a drunkard for three years, wasted my life. One day, I decided it's time to sober up. I had dwelled in my misery for too long. I kicked my drinking habit and re-adjusted my life. It was time to take up my responsibility as a father. I went to fetch Dixie back from the childcare center.

Standing outside the window, I looked into the playroom. Laughter filled the room as the children played happily with each other. Except for one child. She sat alone, huddling at a corner, ignoring the other children. She was holding a ragged doll, attempting to break its leg. That was Dixie, the orphanage matron informed me. My heart broke at the sight of my child who was locked away in her own world without a care for anything or anyone around her. No one can communicate with her, said the matron. She was always a loner.

/ My child, my poor child. Why do you have to suffer at such a tender age? Don't worry my child, Papa is here to take you home. /

Taking Dixie out of the childcare center might proved to be a problem for me. I was inexperienced as a parent and an autistic child was very difficult to handle, according to the matron. But I wanted to keep Dixie by my side. I wanted to bring up my own child.

I tried all means to communicate with her, to bring her out of the shell but Dixie wasn't responding to my effort at all. She was quiet, absorbed in her own world. I decided to take her out more often, seeing that she was kept indoor most of the time in the center.

There was a circus in town. Perhaps she will like the animals in the circus, I thought. I was paying for some snacks when I realized Dixie was gone. I panicked. She must had wandered away while I was not looking. Dropping the popcorns and ice creams, I searched around the circus for my child, fearing for her safety.

I searched everywhere but I just can't find her. I was getting more and more worried and panicked. I came to the restricted grounds of the circus where the animals are kept and I found Dixie there. With another person. This guy was showing Dixie the lions, explaining to her that the lions were ferocious animals. And Dixie was listening to him intently, very much to my surprise.

"Dixie!" I called out. My child ignored me, focusing her attention at the lions in the cage. But the guy stood up and turned to me.

We looked at each other for a moment.

"Trowa?" I stared at an old friend of mine, an ex-classmate.

He was equally surprised to see me again. It had been some years since we parted after the war. He still looked very much the same, tall and lanky. I stayed back after the circus performance and we chatted the whole night, telling each other the events of our lives after the war. I poured out all my sadness and grievances to Trowa who was so kind to play a listening ear to all my woes. I felt so much better after talking to Trowa. I had bottled up my feelings for too long.

Trowa often visited Dixie and me when he was not performing. I was always amazed by his ability to communicate and understand the animals but I didn't expect him to be able to communicate with my daughter as well. He seemed to have break through the barriers around her. Dixie never throws a tantrum when Trowa was around. I didn't understand it. Maybe, they had a special bond that just clicked.

But I had a difficult time taking care of her. Like many autistic kids, Dixie had no fear and no concept of danger. She would climb anything, given the chance. I had rescued her from the tables and windows so many times that I lost counts. I had to keep a constant eye on her, fearing that harm may befall on my child. Dixie was too hyperactive for an autistic child and her constant tantrums were wearing me out.

One day, while trying to feed her, she threw a tantrum again, sending the plate of food splattered onto the floor. My patience snapped. I ran out of the house into the backyard. Then I did what I had not done for a long time. I put my head in my hands and allowed myself to cry. The sadness in me had finally broken out. I just stayed there while the darkness closed around me. I stayed there until I heard the sounds of careful footsteps behind me.

"Duo? What is wrong?" Trowa asked, his voice full of worry and concern.

I stood, too weak to move. I turned to look at him. I knew I was quite a sight, bleary eyes and tear stained cheeks. "I'm all right, don't worry." I managed a small smile but it didn't fool him.

His emerald eyes narrowed and he stepped towards me. "No, you are not. What is wrong, Duo?"

"You have been very kind to me and Dixie, Trowa. You are a good friend but I shouldn't be bothering you with my own problems. I can handle them myself."

"A good friend?" he echoed. "After all these years, I'm just a good friend to you?"

The disappointment in his tone was unmistakable. I didn't understand why he should feel so disappointed. He stretched out and touched my hands - no, more than just touched them; he held them strongly and possessively.

"I don't want to be just a friend to you……," Trowa paused, before murmuring softly, "I want to take care of you and Dixie. I want to be with you always."

I was dumbstruck. What was Trowa saying? How could he…….

"What are you talking about?"

"You still don't get it, do you? I have been admiring you secretly since the schooldays but I never had the chance to tell you," he declared.

"But….but aren't you and Quatre…….." I stammered.

He shook his head sadly. "What I felt for Quatre is more of a brotherly love. It's you that I've always longed for. But you were so madly in love with Heero you didn't notice me at all."

That was true. I was so in love with Heero that he was all I see, all I care about, all I dream of. I was so blind towards the others. I didn't even recognize the love Trowa had for me. But Trowa's proclamation stunned me. Can I accept his love? Do I have the courage to love again, after a failed relationship and a broken marriage? Moreover, was I worthy of him, considering my past? He deserved someone better. Not me, not a failure like me.

I stepped away from him. "Trowa, you don't have to do this. I'm not worthy of you. You know about my past and I'm burdened with a child. I don't want to drag you into this."

"Why are you worrying about this? I don't mind your past at all. I am most willing to share your burden with you. And I think I can handle Dixie better than you can, don't you think? Don't deprive me of this chance, don't run away from me anymore, Duo."

He came closer and his embrace enclosed me. I let myself leaned into him. It felt so comforting to have someone to lean on. But I still had my doubts.

"Trowa, I…I am afraid to love again. I don't want to be hurt again. And I can't seem to forget Heero."

"That's because you refuse to let go of the past. Don't be afraid Duo, have faith in me. I will never hurt you." Those words whispered into my ear sounded so assuring, so determined. I recalled Wufei's words.

/ "Someday, you will find your destiny, Duo. You will find the right person worthy of your love." /

Maybe, Trowa was the right person that I was looking for. He was right there before my eyes but I didn't notice him then. Now that we had found each other again, I shouldn't let him go. I wanted a chance at happiness again. Trowa, can you give me that?

"I…..I want to learn to love again, Trowa. Please show me how."

His arms tightened around me and I could feel the happiness radiated from his warm body.

"I will show you, Duo. I will."

That night, Dixie spoke her first word. "L..ion."

~~~The End~~~