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The Bud (Part 2)
The barrier was intact, a formidable shield that effectively blocked him out of Kane's mind. He had spent hours searching and feeling for weak spots that could provide him with an easy entry, but to no avail. However, his efforts were not totally wasted as the condition of Kane's subconscious gave him clues to Kane's complex character. The thick, impregnable barrier spoke of a person who was afraid to open out his heart for fear of being hurt by anyone or anything. A person who protected himself by pretending to be a person that he was not. Shang could feel that Kane's true self, or core, lay behind the barrier. The core is the site where the mind link can occur. From the thickness of the barrier, Shang deduced that Kane seldom revealed his true self. There was a high probability Kane himself was not even aware that the personality he had shown was merely a front to conceal a tortured soul underneath. It was a surprising discovery for Shang, considering that he had seen how happy and carefree Kane had appeared to be in school. Convinced that nothing more could be gained by studying the barrier from the outside, Shang tentatively sent out a tendril of his mind into the barrier. His aim was more to find out what had caused the barrier to be formed than to penetrate it. He was immediately sucked into a spinning world of colour and shadow. He caught fleeting glimpses of images that meant nothing to him. A convent on fire. Charred corpses. Tears mingled with blood. And all the time, intense emotions of anguish and self-reproach buffeted him from all sides. IT
WAS MY FAULT... What? IT
WAS MY FAULT... What is your fault? What happened? Even as Shang projected his thoughts out, he could feel the link between his mind and body weakening. He was delving too deeply into Kane's subconscious, inviting the risk of being trapped forever in Kane's mind and having his link to his physical body severed. However, Shang's desire to know pushed all thoughts of danger to the back of his mind. A pregnant silence greeted Shang's questions. Shang could sense defensive energies gathering around him even as Kane's feelings of shock and fear assaulted him. WHO
ARE YOU? I
mean no harm. I just want to know... LEAVE! I
feel your pain. I want to know why... LEAVE
ME ALONE!! Shang felt himself being propelled out of the barrier by a tremendous force. Shang's eyes opened widely the moment his mind was slammed back into his body. With cold sweat bathing his forehead, Shang's eyes slowly brought a girl's face into focus. The girl's face took on a relieved expression upon seeing his return. "Thank goodness you're alright! Your brain signals became so weak a moment ago that I thought..." "Not so loud, Sheila. My head hurts," interrupted Shang coldly as he sat up on the table he was lying on and removed the electrodes from his temples. The other table held the unconscious boy who would soon become his wingmate once he succeeded in breaking the barrier down. Sheila's eyes followed Shang's gaze and her lips curled in a triumphant smile when she saw no change in the hair colour of the Gundam pilot. "I told you the mind link won't work! We could not bond with each other even though both of us were willing. How can you expect to link your mind with someone who is both an enemy and an unwilling participant in this program?" "Sheila..." The fact that he could not bond with her despite the lack of barriers showed that the mind link between them was impossible. Even though Shang knew this, he did not see the need to explain it to Sheila. It was easier to handle her if she still harboured the vain hope that they could still bond with each other. "We should just hand him over to our superiors and let them tear all the useful information out of him." Sheila's eyes lighted up with the thought, knowing very well the damage that the process would inflict on Kane's mind. "After all, he more than deserves it for what he did to those who had fought alongside us during the war. He may even be the culprit who killed your..." "Shut up!" shouted Shang, his voice thick with undisguised anger. Sheila had never seen Shang display emotion of any kind and his outburst came as a great surprise to her. Stung by his words, Sheila's face turned ugly. She had never met anyone who had dared to show such disrespect to her. At least, no one had ever done so without unpleasant consequences. "If you still want to be stubborn about it, then by all means go ahead and try again! See if I care if you wind up as a retard or worse!" Shang did not even appear to have heard her. She stormed out of the room and shouted over her shoulder. "Maybe after failing enough times, you'll come to your senses and put an end to this futile exercise!" The door slammed shut. Shang unclenched his fists to discover blood oozing out of the furrows formed where his nails had dug in too deeply. Perhaps he was insane to try to link his mind with Cheng's murderer. With a person whom he would gladly kill without a moment's thought if he was not so eager to find someone to replace Cheng. No...
I have to try until I succeed.
He
remembered Kane's overwhelming anguish. He needs me. Just as Cheng
needed me in the past. With a new sense of determination, Shang replaced the electrodes on his temples and dived into Kane's mind. * * * * * * A bloodied hand raised to touch his tear-streaked cheek, Sister Helen gasped her parting words "God bless you, my son..." I DON'T DESERVE YOUR BLESSING. The pain of loss. The curse of loneliness. I...
I LET YOU DOWN. I LET ALL OF YOU DOWN... IF I HAD ARRIVED SOONER... I
HAD TRIED MY BEST... BUT IT WAS NOT ENOUGH... IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH... AND
THE PRICE WAS DEATH... DEATH OF PEOPLE I CARED FOR... DEATH OF PEOPLE I
WOULD WILLINGLY DIE FOR.... The relief of tears was denied to him in this part of his mind. And the guilt would stay forever. It was not your fault. The thought came from the intruder in his mind. It was the same intruder who interrupted his thoughts a few moments ago. I THOUGHT I HAVE GOTTEN RID OF YOU FOR GOOD. This time he would not hold back in repelling this nuisance out of his private hell. I know how you feel. He could sense only understanding and determination from the intruder. Understanding of his torment. Determination to gain his trust. HOW
CAN YOU CLAIM TO KNOW HOW I FEEL? WHO ARE YOU?
I
am called Shang. The name was not familiar, but a nagging thought at some other part of his mind told him that it should be. However, he was not able to recall that he had ever known anyone by that name. DO
I KNOW YOU? There
was a pause before the intruder replied. My life had changed
completely because of you. The person I had loved more than life itself
is dead because of you. But no, I don't think you know who I am. He could feel no anger or hatred radiating from the intruder. How can a person say something like that and remain so emotionless at the same time? IS THIS A JOKE? The pause was longer this time. Do you want to find out whether I am joking or not? The intruder dropped his own shields and waited, his mind exposed and vulnerable. WHY
ARE YOU DOING THIS? YOU KNOW THAT I CAN DESTROY YOUR MIND EASILY WHEN
YOU ARE LIKE THIS. You
can. But you won't. Not until you see for yourself whether I speak the
truth.
There
was truth in what the intruder said. He was intrigued by what the
intruder offered to show him. After removing the last of his
trepidation, he completed his half of the bridge linking his mind to the
intruder's. Images and voices poured into his mind in a torrent and Duo
recognized them to be from Shang's past memories. * * * * * * The figure strapped to the hospital bed paid no attention to his surroundings, his eyes vacant and unseeing. Two people who had been looking at the figure quietly through a glass window turned to a doctor standing beside them. "Has there been any improvements in his situation, doctor?" asked the taller of the two. The speaker was a man in his twenties who sported a thick mane of snowy white hair secured in a ponytail. His eyes glowed with compassion as he said this. The doctor shook his head and sighed. "He had been like this ever since the day you brought him in. He had slit his wrists twice before this and if we hadn't kept him on an IV drip, he'd have starved himself to death." The doctor removed his spectacles and massaged his fatigued eyes. "Do have any idea what caused this strange behaviour? What was he trying to do before you managed to disarm him and tear the cockpit out of his mobilesuit?" "He was trying to crash his mobile suit into a ravine." The doctor appeared shocked upon hearing this. He wanted to question the man further but at that time, a nurse called for his attention and he had to leave. "Excuse me." The two people were left alone. The one who had not spoken before this was Shang. He turned to the man and asked in a fearful voice, "Is that what will happen to either of us should one of us die before the other?" It was barely a whisper. The man stared into the azure eyes which were directed at him. He could sense the feelings of insecurity spilling out of the young boy before him. He used a finger to brush back the lock of hair draped over the latter's left eye. "I'm afraid so, sport." There was no point in lying to make the boy feel better as the lie would be detected before his mouth even formed the words. Shang reached out and gripped the man's forearm, trying to seek comfort through physical contact. "Promise me you won't die before me, Cheng." The man made no answer but Shang was not expecting any as he knew that it was a promise that could not be kept. ------------------------ Shang was about to open the door to Cheng's room when an exasperated roar passed through the door and filled his ears. "Grandma, I told you not to visit me here! How did you manage to bypass the securities anyway?" It was Cheng's voice which he was familiar with, satiated with frustration. Shang silently pressed his ears against the door to catch the conversation more clearly. His heart was beating with excitement as Cheng seldom mentioned his family and anything about his wingmate interested him greatly. "I brought you some tonic. Look how thin you are! I bet the food they serve you here is hardly enough to fatten a rat." The voice hinted of a kind and mild-mannered old woman. There was some clinking of crockery. "Don't change the subject. I specifically told you..." The sentence died down in mid-sentence and Shang strained his ears, thinking that Cheng had lowered his voice. He nearly fell flat on his face when the door opened suddenly. Cheng patiently waited for him to get up from the floor and explain himself. "I was just passing by when I heard this unfamiliar voice in your room. I thought it was you but then it couldn’t be you as it didn’t sound like you at all, so I thought that investigating further would be a wise course of action..." blabbered Shang, even though he knew that he was not fooling his wingmate one bit. Cheng smiled wryly at him and would have asked him to leave if his grandmother did not interrupt at that moment. "Why, Ah-Cheng! Aren't you even going to introduce me to your girlfriend?" Shang nearly fell onto the floor again. The expression on Cheng's face at that moment was unreadable. Shang was trying to decide between feeling insulted and amused when Cheng whispered into his ear, "Her eyesight is pretty bad, so don't be offended. Humour her. Most of the time she forgets everything after two days." "Humour her?" Shang whispered back as Cheng closed the door behind them. "Can't we just clear up this misunderstanding now?" "You don't know my grandmother. Once she decides on something, nothing you say can change her mind. It’s much easier this way, trust me." "Why are both of you whispering to each other like that? You two don't have to be shy around me. Come, dear, let me have a better look at you..." Before Shang could react, his hands were imprisoned by two delicate, wrinkled hands and he was forced into a seat next to Cheng's grandmother. The silver-haired woman then proceeded to study Shang's face with an intensity that made him feel highly uncomfortable. After a few minutes which seemed like an eternity to Shang, the old woman ended her scrutiny and spoke up. "You look even better than how Cheng described you to be." She nodded with approval as she said this. Shang cast a questioning look at Cheng but Cheng had hidden his face behind a bowl of tonic. Cheng's grandmother chatted on merrily, oblivious to the puzzled look on Shang's face. "Cheng told me a lot about you on the phone. Here, have a taste of my ginseng root tonic." A bowl of hot, yellow liquid was placed in front of Shang. Feeling that it was impolite to refuse, Shang ventured on a sip. The bitter fluid temporarily paralyzed his tongue and left behind a most nasty aftertaste. It was no wonder that he went into a coughing fit and Cheng quickly grabbed the opportunity to steer him into the washroom. When the two were alone, Shang merely stared at Cheng. Cheng was hiding something from him and he did not require the mind link to know this. Cheng cleared his throat and tried to explain the situation. "You see, my grandmother has been driving me nuts with photographs of eligible spinsters for the past few months." Shang remained silent and Cheng took it as a sign to continue. "So, I told her that I already have a girlfriend here at the military base." Cheng swallowed and went on. "When she relentlessly badgered me into describing this girlfriend to her, and since you're the only person whom I can really describe in much detail, I...." "Took the liberty to label me as your girlfriend," finished Shang grimly. Cheng patted Shang's shoulder affectionately. "I knew you would understand." Shang still stared at him through eyes that were deliberately made like slits as a display of his unhappiness. "Come on, do this one favour for your wingmate here," pleaded Cheng. "Just for today, I promise." Shang decided not to force Cheng to beg on his knees and patted Cheng's shoulder back. Both of them came out of the washroom to tackle the problem at hand which came in the form of a small, old lady who was busy wiping the table with a rag. She smiled warmly at them and they returned her smile in the same manner, albeit a bit awkwardly. It was not long before Shang feel at ease again as Cheng's grandmother was a skilful conversationalist. Cheng, on the other hand, was becoming more and more uncomfortable as the topic of conversation was himself. "Ah-Cheng has been impulsive ever since he was a kid. I still remember this incident when he was just twelve years old. Yes, I believe he was just twelve years old then..." Shang was totally absorbed by the childhood accounts of his wingmate, ignoring Cheng's ineffectual attempts to break his concentration by switching on the radio and drumming his fingers on the table. "And he winded up with a split lip and a bruised eye. He tried to hide it, of course, by using..." "Grandma, it is getting rather late. Don't you have to be back at the old folks' home by seven?" asked Cheng hopefully. His embarrassment was beginning to redden his cheeks. "Don't rush me. Now where was I?... Oh yes." Cheng's grandmother once again held Shang's hands in hers, her sky-blue eyes filling up Shang's entire vision. "I want to ask a favour of you." Shang could only nod. "Take care of Ah-Cheng when I'm not around, will you? He has this knack of getting into trouble that he can easily avoid. I believe you are the only person whom he will listen to." "Me?" Shang blurted out before he could stop himself. "Yes, you. He told me that you are..." "Grandma!" Cheng's feathers were really ruffled at this time. "I've called the taxi half an hour ago and it should be waiting downstairs by now." "Are you so eager to get rid of me?" Cheng opened his mouth to protest but the old lady silenced him with a sharp gesture. "Don't worry, I'm going. Maybe it is better for you to tell her yourself." As she passed by Cheng, she whispered to him, "I know you just want to be alone with her." She smiled naughtily. "Please keep in mind that bedding is for married couples only." "Grandma!!" The red colour had spread to his ears. With a chuckle, she was off. After the room regained its usual tranquility, Shang spoke up. "What did she say to you?" "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Shang could not read Cheng's mind as he had closed it off. Finding his wingmate's behaviour a bit peculiar, Shang pursued further. "And what does she want you to tell me yourself?" "That's nothing too." There was a pause before Shang replied. "It's fine with me if you don't want to talk about it... Ah-Cheng." "Don't call me that! It sounds childish." "Whatever you say, Ah-Cheng." "I said..." "Ah-Cheng. Ah-Cheng. Ah-Cheng. Ah-Cheng. Ah-" "Oh, all right! I'll talk!" Cheng was tempted to wipe off the smug grin on Shang's face. Reluctantly, Cheng mumbled, "I told her that my 'girlfriend' is the most important person in my life." "That's all?" asked Shang, surprised that Cheng was worked up over such a small confession. "That's all." The red colour had died down to a pale pink. "So why are you so worried? That's nothing to be ashamed of." "I was afraid that you will take it wrongly." As soon as Cheng uttered the words, he looked as if he wanted to shove his foot into his mouth. "Wrongly? How?" "That's enough questions for one day. Off you go, sport." Cheng pointed to the door which was wide open. Miffed by Cheng's uptightness, Shang made as if to go but halted in his tracks as a thought suddenly occurred to him. "One more thing, I don't like to be referred to as 'sport'." "What's wrong with 'sport'?" "What's
wrong with 'Ah-Cheng'?" "Let me hear you say my name." Shang was beginning to enjoy tormenting his wingmate. Cheng took a deep breath and forced the name out. "Ssshh...aaa..nn..g." Shang looked offended. "Can you not say it as if you're having a case of diarrhoea?" "Look, it takes some getting used to, okay?" "I never realize that calling a person by his name is so hard to get used to." "Well, to me, calling a person by his name is... intimate." "Intimate?" Shang let out a mocking laugh. "You don't know what the word means!" "Don't I?" In a heart beat, Cheng stood before him, his head bent down to level with Shang's. Shang just stopped short of drawing back in fright. Maybe it was not wise of him to tease Cheng that way. He mentally reached out to find out whether Cheng was really mad at him but was confronted by a closed off mind. Before he knew what was happening, Cheng had placed a chaste kiss on his forehead. It was all so unexpected that Shang remained motionless. "That should teach you a lesson. I..." Shang was still staring at him with a confused look on his face. The pale pink colour of Cheng's face deepened into rose red. "That was a brotherly kiss! A brotherly kiss, you hear me! Don't misunderstand!" "What can I misunderstand it to be?" asked a puzzled Shang, his hand raised to touch the spot where Cheng's lips had made contact. "You would think that I..." Cheng realized that it was foolish to explain any further and quickly kept his mouth shut. "Yes?" It was then that Cheng made a grab for the broom and Shang decided that a quick retreat was in order. ------------------------ "I feel terrible..." muttered Shang feebly. Even speaking became difficult for him with all the phlegm clogging his throat. "Don't worry. The doctor said that you have slight pneumonia, on top of everything else, but with plenty of rest and medication, you will be on your feet in two weeks." "Two weeks? I don't want to be stuck on a bed for two weeks! I..." Shang gagged on his phlegm and snatched the tissue offered by Cheng. Cheng pounded his back to help him clear his blocked windpipe. "And don't talk too much. You need your rest." Shang was about to argue on but Cheng cut him short with a gentle shove onto the bed. "Don't make me tie you to the bed." Shang could tell that Cheng was not joking and therefore maintained a dignified silence. He succumbed to the soothing coolness of the icebag which Cheng had placed on his forehead. Just as he was about to drift off, the sirens in the hospital sounded. 'Everyone please remain calm and make your way slowly to the shelter located at the fourth basement level. I repeat, everyone please...' blared the intercom. "What is it?! An attack?" Shang was up and alert, his fever and illness forgotten. Cheng had opened a window and was looking at something in a distance. "I see smoke. It is coming from the military base." Cheng's expression was grim. The expression immediately changed to shock when a thought struck him. "Gods, no... Shang!" Shang turned to his wingmate, his eyes mirroring worry as his wingmate's fear rushed into him. "Yes?" "Is today Saturday?" The question seemed ridiculous under such circumstances. "Uh... yes. Cheng, what's wrong?" Cheng had spun on his heels and was making his way to the door. "Where are you going?" "To the base. I should be out there fighting along with the rest of them." "Are you crazy?! We should go to the shelters right now!" It was fear for Cheng's life that caused this shout. "You don't understand... I have to go." "What don't I understand?" As Cheng was reluctant to tell him, Shang searched for the information with his mind, catching Cheng completely off guard. His face took up Cheng's shocked expression. "Your grandmother visits you every Saturday evening? Cheng, I..." "You go to the shelters. I have to.... gods... she is the only one left of my family. I have to be there!" "I'll go with you." Shang was removing his hospital gown and putting on his uniform with as much speed as he could muster. The act of buttoning up his shirt was enough to make him breathless. "You're not in the condition to do anything! Stay here!" Cheng's command fell on deaf ears. "You can't fight alone in that battle and you know it." Shang took a step forward and had to lean on the wall for a while to regain the strength in his legs. The world began to spin around him and he shook his head to clear it. "Shang, you can't even remain conscious long enough to make it to the base. Just stay..." The sound of broken glass silenced Cheng and he nearly cried out at the sight of Shang's bloodied hand. Shang had smashed his fist into the window and welcomed the pain of having shards of glass embedded in his flesh. The pain pulled him closer to consciousness. "What are you doing?!" "Isn't it obvious? I'm proving you wrong. Now, let's go. We don't have time to waste." Cheng silently watched him, making no move to exit the room. "What are you waiting for?" By this time, Shang had reached Cheng and was leaning against him for support. Cheng smiled at Shang- a smile filled with volumes of unspoken words. "Have I ever told you how lucky I am to have you as my wingmate?" "Huh?" Cheng stopped smiling and looked at Shang with sombre eyes. "I will allow you to go only on one condition." "And what is that?" Why was Cheng being so talkative at a time like this? "Promise me you will continue living even after I die." "Don't say words of ill omen like that!" "Promise me. Or off to the shelters you go." "Okay, I promise." Cheng smiled again upon hear his reply. The fist came swiftly and buried itself in Shang's stomach. Shang could only gasp out Cheng's name one last time before oblivion took him. By the time he woke up, Cheng was dead. * * * * * * Shang woke up in the real world. His hands went up to his face, in search of tears that were not there. How many times had he relived that nightmare? How many times had he cried his tear ducts dry, knowing that Cheng would no longer be there to console him? How many times had he tried to kill himself but his last promise to Cheng had stopped him? That was the old Shang, the Shang who had died along with his wingmate. And who am I now? Just as Shang was pondering over this, he caught sight of a glistening teardrop. The teardrop leaked from Kane's closed left eye. Fascinated by the sight, Shang slowly approached the table on which Kane lay. There was something else too- part of Kane's fringe had turned paler in colour, with hints of white at the tips. He bent down to speak softly into Kane's ear, "Are you crying for me, my wingmate?" Kane made no reply. The teardrop tasted salty. * * * * * *Shang did not notice that the door of the room was ajar. Sheila was sitting on the floor beside the door, her face haggard after witnessing the whole incident. She had seen the paleness of Kane's hair and knew it to be a sign of the mind link being established. Why did this Kane have to appear before them now?! Without him, Shang would have been hers! Without him...! Sheila's mouth slowly formed a cruel smile. Nothing stands between her and her wingmate. Nothing.
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