Definitely not what you'd expect from the title. ;-)
Posted: 9/22/00
Title: First Kiss
Author: Jay. Contactable at carboxylated@yahoo.com.
Archive: All those with prior permission are welcome (and hugged profusely) to archive this.
[Note: all fics accessible @ http://www.oocities.org/fenris_wolf0]
Category: Angst. Darkfic. Deathfic(?)
Pairings: 1x2
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is quite sadly not mine, but in fact the property of Bandai, Sunrise, and other large corporations and companies I have no affiliation with. (Again, quite sadly.)
Warning/Rating: R. Twisted angst.
Feedback: Hit me!
Note: Hilde perspective piece. Blame it on all the Hee-chan bastardization fics I've been reading lately. It's an interesting fic concept, except that it sort of sucked when I finally typed it out.
::flashes V sign anyway::
I've never been kissed.
I don't remember any childhood embraces, or well-meaning pecks on the cheeks from my parents. In fact, I can't even remember my parents, much less physical affection bestowed upon me.
I thought that maybe he'd be the One, maybe. Maybe after the war in the bliss of peace, we could live like civilians, still sharing that one roof, but now sharing one room, one bed, merged at the juncture of our lips and the tips of our tongues.
I was thinking about this as I saw his black-clad form struggle with the beaten suitcase that he was futilely attempting to jam shut. I clucked, watching his slender frame push down in an effort to close the lid. Finally, from sheer stubbornness of will, I watched Duo close the suitcase with a final click and turn to look at me, his radiant smile lighting up the room.
The smile wasn't for me.
But he stood there in his somber black, as incandescent as light on glass, and he smiled at me and I couldn't do anything but surrender to the subtle curve of his lips and smile back.
He was leaving me-- leaving the roof we shared-- for Heero Yuy. And I knew he would never look back. So I stood by the door, leaning against the frame, more for support than just to strike a nonchalant pose. I knew it would happen. I had suspected that maybe there'd been something during the war-- some stolen kisses, fumblings in the dark of space, caresses beneath the moon-- but now, the stark truth lay before me.
I was losing him.
And I'd never been kissed.
I'm sitting down already, menu in hand, when Duo walks in. He gives me a wild, effulgent smile, and sits down.
"Hilde!" His voice a beautiful alto. "I'm so glad we could meet for lunch!"
We both rattle off our orders, and then we can only sit and stare across the table at each other. He chuckles.
"How's Heero?" I'm determined to never let my voice betray the bitterness that seeps into my tongue.
Duo rants about domestic bliss and the woes of joint laundry. He sprinkles the entire conversation with tawdry references to sexual romps. Something vulnerable inside me breaks every single time he says Heero's name. The boy I knew is lost in the young man that sits across from me, but their faces are superimposed upon each other, so I can't distinguish when the lines of Duo's face end, and where the lines of this new creature begins. I can't remember the moment he grew up-- I can't remember when it hurt to look at him-- I can't remember anyone, anything, so beautiful. And he sits across from me, eyes sparkling in the noon light, with his typically casual grace, languidly extending an arm-- and steals my breath with a touch of his fingers on my wrist.
"I love him so much," he murmurs, eyes bright. "So." He straightens, removes the hand. "What about you? How's the love life?"
I live in an empty house that only has one light on at night. I share my lonely bed with myself. I look into the mirror some nights, fingers brushing my lips, imagining his soft plush mouth against mine.
"It's great." I lie like it's nothing at all.
It's not. It's everything.
I go home that night and hesitantly apply some lipstick, peering into the bathroom mirror. Disgusted, I wipe it off.
I'll never use it, anyway.
The wedding is a blur of sound and light. And Duo looks painfully handsome in white, his arms around Heero, in black. They pose for pictures, cut the cake, open the presents and toast each other, champagne swirling in a hundred mouths. The taste is heavy in mine, as I smile cynically, staring at the ring of gold around Duo's second finger.
They kiss and for a moment, I'm consumed by anger, as Heero's hands brush his cheekbones, capturing that smiling mouth. Devouring the angel beside him.
When he smiled at me after, I didn't bother smiling back.
Duo's soft crying fills the room, his trembling face on my vidscreen. I ache to reach out and actually touch the skin, but I know it'll just be the impersonal feel of glass.
"I don't understand," he murmurs, still sobbing brokenly. "I. don't understand."
/Heero and Relena, sittin' in a tree./
He gives me a painful look, pure agony and heartbreak.
F-U-C-K-I-N-G.
/First comes lust./
He cradles himself, rocking back and forth.
/Then comes marriage./
"Hilde," he whispers softly. "What am I going to do?"
/Here comes Hilde with the funeral carriage./
So I've never been kissed.
I'm pondering this as I stand outside in the door to Heero's apartment.
Duo is on another colony, crying himself to sleep.
Relena is brushing her hair, looking at her empty eyes in the mirror, down to her swollen stomach.
And me? I told you. I'm standing outside the door to Heero's apartment, pulling out the gun from my pocket. Jamming the clip in, I stare at the smooth metal.
I kiss it.
/My first kiss./
My mind laughs as I knock on Heero's door.
[fin]
Jay Sez: Well. um. yes. It was an interesting concept.
Feedback is always appreciated, minna-san!
Jay