Title: R.E.M.
Author:Jay
Category: Angst
Timeline: Post-EW
Pairings: D+R, 1+R
Rating/Warning: R. Serious, serious, serious, serious angst. Don't proceed if you aren't comfortable with that. It's a typical Jay darkfic.
Feedback: Comments, criticisms, ramblings, death threats, and marriage proposals all welcome.

Note: The story deliberately switches scenes and timelines within itself rapidly; *all* the events should make a sort of vague sense by the end.

Thanks: Diane, who is *still* putting up with my creative grammar shenanigans. ::glomps::

/... .../ = thoughts
//... ...// = other events/flashbacks/dreams/etc.

R.E.M by Jay

The air was balmy, and the light wind billowed the curtains of the bedroom.

A figure stirred and twisted beneath the sheets. Relena Peacecraft's lips curved into a small smile. Her eyes fluttered open, and she slowly pulled herself up. The air smelled like jasmine; it was familiar and cloying. Her lidded eyes scanned the room and settled on the curtains.

"Dorothy?" she called.

A soft laugh drifted through the air and settled on Relena's skin like a chill breeze. She squinted, and a dark form by the window became apparent. The curtains shifted in the wind again, and a slim girl stepped out.

"Princess." Dorothy Catalonia never tired of her old pet name for Relena.

"What time is it?" Relena asked vaguely. Her eyes were blurry, still unaccustomed to the light; they couldn't focus to see the clock.

Dorothy walked over and knelt by the bed. "It's late, princess. Why are you still up?" One of her hands wove into Relena's hair, her fingertips stroking the fine golden strands.

"I..." Relena gave her lover a confused look. "I was waiting for you." She managed a weak smile. "It's hard to sleep, sometimes, when... when you're not here."

There was a whisper of a sigh, and then a limber body scrambled over her and under the sheets. A tentative leg rubbed against her own. She heard a rustle of cloth, and then a pair of bare arms twined themselves around her neck and shoulders. A knee prodded her thigh, and Dorothy smiled against her mouth.

"Princess. Sleep."

One her hands trailed down Relena's shoulder, prickling the skin of her arm. Relena could feel the soft swell of Dorothy's breasts against the thin cloth of her nightgown. She closed her eyes hesitantly, but stayed awake until she heard the other girl's breathing lapse into the smooth, contiguous waves of slumber. She pressed her nose into Dorothy's hair and breathed in the scent of jasmine.

Relena awoke with a jerk. She was trembling violently, and her head ached. The window was open, and the air was chill.

//The click of the gun announced that the safety was off.

"So this is the end." The musical voice seemed bitter and distant. "Goodbye and so long." There was a slight slur that accompanied the stench of alcohol. The heart-shaped face was stained with tears, and the pretty blonde hair was matted.

"Don't." Her own voice was small and desperate. It seemed like a hollow plea from a woman resigned to her fate.

There was an ugly bruise over the cleft under her nose. Her lips were swollen from the cut on the upper lip. The gun looked so out of place next to her face; the gun was shining and new, and the face was so weary. It nuzzled her cheek for a moment and was then inserted into her mouth. It almost looked obscene. Dorothy gave her a wink, and her lips twitched for a moment around the barrel of the gun.

She walked towards Relena with a twitch in her hips. The gun popped from her lips. "It's been real."

Before Relena could do anything, the gun was shoved back into Dorothy's mouth and-- as the girl slumped to her knees-- she//

walked into the room.

Relena shot up in her bed.

"You look like you just saw a ghost," Dorothy observed.

"I had a bad dream," Relena whispered. She shook her head. "I need to get up."

"You do," Dorothy agreed. "You've got a meeting at ten. There's a delegate from L2 with the new finance plans from La Rochelle. *There's* a man you don't want to piss off."

Relena was already up and sliding into the bathroom. "What's after that?"

Dorothy sauntered over to the bathroom door and watched as Relena undressed. "You have lunch with Representative Andrews."

Relena turned and put on an air of mock fatigue. "Does it ever end?"

Dorothy smirked and pulled Relena in for a quick kiss. "No. What would you do without me?"

Relena stepped into the shower and turned on the water. "I honestly don't know."

She flitted down to the kitchen in nothing but a robe. Someone was behind the refrigerator door, fumbling around. She sat down and poured herself a cup of coffee.

"What are you looking for, honey?"

Heero Yuy stuck out his head and smiled. Relena had to smile back at him. Her husband was so handsomely disheveled in the morning. "I know we have some butter, somewhere..." His eyes narrowed. "Unless *you* threw it out."

Relena took a fastidious sip of her coffee and said primly, "Butter is bad for you." She stuck out her tongue for effect.

"I am twenty five."

"It starts young."

"I want my butter."

"We have some nice margarine."

"Butter."

"You can have some with a slice of wheat bread," she said cheerfully.

Heero threw her a disgusted look, gave up his search, and sat down by his wife. He gave her a quick kiss on the top of her head and made an approving sound.

"Mmmhmm?" Relena added a little cream to her coffee and looked up.

A little smile graced Heero's features. "It's nothing. You smell nice this morning. Like jasmine."

The voice droned from the speakers, monotonous. The heavy white robes made her shoulders slump. Her lackluster blonde hair fell limply over her face.

Her wrists were strapped into the arms of the chair; they curled into tight fists. A high-pitched whimper tore from her throat as the first locks of gold fell. There was an efficient snip of scissors, and another section of her hair parted from her head.

Tears stung her eyes.

/She loved my hair. She loved my hair. She loved my--/

"I had the weirdest dream last night," Relena said. She dropped into a chair and opened her menu.

Hilde gave her a quizzical look. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Relena took a sip from her water. "It was one of those that kind of... continued, like it was actually taking up time."

Her dark-haired friend laughed. "They *do* take up time."

"Well, I mean, it went on into the morning. I got up in my dream and everything was the same. Like I had awoken inside the actual dream."

"Oh?"

"It felt so real." Relena's voice was wry. "I could smell the jasmine on her."

"Ah. Dorothy."

A waiter approached their table, and the two women ordered. The drinks soon arrived, and Relena broke the silence again.

"You know, the strangest thing is that Heero said that I smelled like jasmine this morning."

Hilde's eyebrows shot up. "Relena? Didn't you say that Heero was in Switzerland for the week?"

Relena gave her a blank stare. "I... he is." She blinked several times. "Oh." Relena laughed unconvincingly. "I think I might be going crazy. I remember going down into the kitchen this morning and he..."

"You're overworked," Hilde interjected. "But that's pretty bizarre, Relena." She took a sip of her drink and nodded her head. "Pretty damn bizarre."

"Hi."

"H-hi." Heero sounded surprised. There was a slight buzz of static in the phone line, just enough to pleasantly distort his voice. Relena could hear his smile as he asked, "How are you?"

"When are you coming back?" She cradled the phone and chewed on a fingernail. "I miss you." Her voice was warmly nagging.

"I miss you too. I'm just wrapping things up with Jackson here. I should be on a shuttle tomorrow. You'll see me tomorrow night, probably."

"I'll make you dinner. We can have it by candlelight."

He chuckled and responded with a sly voice, "If you replace the tofu that you're fondling in your mind with some veal and throw in some butter, I might hurry."

Relena knew he was teasing, but couldn't resist asking, "You've been sticking to our diet, right?"

"When have you ever known me not to?" he responded. "Besides, these things start young."

//"Please. God, please, don't."

She was still muttering it. He could see her, curled into a corner of the room, trying to hide from the glaring brightness of white.

"Please. God, please, don't."

There was a beep, and a tired voice said, "Inmate #13598, you have a visitor." There was a buzz, and the door opened.

He took a deep breath and//

stepped inside.

Relena raised her head sleepily. "Hello?" Her eyes opened, and she stared at the candles. They had burned out. The food was cold on the table. "You're late."

"I'm sorry, princess." Dorothy sat down across from Relena and took her hand. Kissing it, she murmured, "Une called in impromptu meeting. The entire Preventers staff had to report." She made a face. "Yuy got back from Switzerland with his reports on the conference. There's something about armament in one of the satellite colonies, and Une wanted to assemble a team to go investigate. Maxwell and Chang pulled the short straws."

Relena poured herself a glass of wine. "Heero Yuy." She looked at Dorothy fondly. "I thought I was in love with him, you know. God."

"You just hadn't met me," Dorothy purred.

"Just imagine. If I hadn't met you, I might have actually married him."

"I love you, you know," Dorothy said suddenly. Her bright eyes met Relena's; they were sharp and sincere. "I love you like nothing else."

They held hands and watched each other's faces in the dark, silent.

She woke up crying.

"She loved me!" A choked sob rose in her throat. "Oh, God... she loved me..."

A pair of strong hands steadied her shoulders. She turned and curled against the welcome body, still weeping.

"It's okay. Shhh... it's okay."

She hiccupped and shook her head miserably. "It's not okay. I... I..."

Heero kissed Relena and held her tightly. "It was just a dream..."

"She was there. I could see her, I could touch her. I... I..."

"A dream," he said firmly.

She quieted. "I dreamt that I was in a cell," she whispered. "And then I dreamt that I woke up, and Dorothy was there. And she said she loved me. Why... why did she... *why*?"

"I don't know," Heero breathed. "Just... shhhh. Go back to sleep, Relena. Please. You have a long day tomorrow. Go to sleep."

Relena closed her eyes, but her grip on Heero's shirt never faltered.

The curtains billowed silently. The air was warm.

"I've been having some sleeping trouble," Relena said. "I was wondering if I could get some sleeping pills."

Sally Po walked up to Relena, penciling in various information on a sheet of paper. "What's the trouble, exactly?"

There was a long pause, and then Relena offered reluctantly, "I've been having dreams."

"Come on," Sally said. "We're friends, Relena. You can tell me. Besides, I work with the military-- I've heard it *all*."

The last comment only brought the ghost of a smile to Relena's lips. "Just... really, really weird dreams. They seem so real. Lately, I've been having these weird dreams about living inside a mental institution. And I just feel so

//alone." Her hands shook. "I am alone," she repeated. Her eyes were wide, and she barely even noticed when the nurse injected a needle and drew blood.

The doctor wrote notes to himself on a pad. "Patient: #13598. Sex: Female." He turned to the nurse. "Chronic insomnia, among other things. The institute has requested to have her put on a sedative." He walked over to a cabinet and opened it. Drawing out a rack, he selected one of what must have been hundreds of glass vials. They were all sealed and neatly labeled. This one read 'X98-13.'

The nurse smiled sweetly at the shaking girl. "This won't hurt a bit."

There was a smudge of lipstick on her teeth. It looked like a smear of blood. Smartly puncturing the seal of the vial, the transparent liquid was transferred from the tube to the syringe. After a few preparations-- one shaking arm was quickly smeared with alcohol-- the sedative was quickly injected.

She jerked fiercely for a moment, before completely slumping over. The nurse//

turned to Relena and said, "By the way, you're due for another immunity shot today."

Relena grimaced. She hadn't told Sally about her newfound fear of needles, but she dutifully rolled up her sleeve. Sally quickly retrieved a long syringe and, after dabbing a little rubbing alcohol on Relena's upper arm, poised the needle for the injection.

Relena's eyes glanced over the black letters on the syringe: X98-13. Her hands began to shake.

"Now," Sally said, "this won't hurt a bit." She smiled, and Relena could have sworn that her teeth looked red.

"You have an appointment with Sally Po in forty minutes," Heero said. "I'm going to take a shower, and then I'll drive you over."

Relena watched her husband disappear into the bathroom door. She felt numb. Something tickled at her mind, but she couldn't quite place it. Her head hurt. She walked over to the mirror and checked her appearance: there were dark circles under her eyes. She hadn't slept in days.

There was an amused laugh from the doorway. She turned just fast enough to see a flash of pale blonde hair. Dorothy called, "Oh, dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!"

Relena ran out and saw her disappear down the stairs. Her voice drifted up, mocking. "Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting! [1]"

Rushing down to catch up, Relena rounded a corner and saw Dorothy dart into the library. Following, her mind confused in the torrent of events, she entered the dim room and almost choked on the reek of alcohol. She stared at Dorothy, who stared back at her bleakly, her eyes pink. Her fist was around a bottle of whiskey, and she took a long pull.

Her other hand rested on her lap, clutching a handgun. Her fingers clicked the safety off.

"So this is the end."

He walked into the room and stood by the door. She was still cowering in the corner, muttering. Her cropped golden hair was set against the whiteness of the room, of her clothes, and of her skin. She hadn't seen the sun in five years. The air smelled fetid, and it tasted synthetic.

She moaned, "It was just a dream."

Someone was shaking her. "Princess, princess..."

She awoke and stared into the eyes of her devoted husband. Heero looked at her concernedly. "You were muttering in your sleep. Are you okay?"

"I... a dream... I..." It hit her. She looked at him with frightened eyes. "*Princess*? No one... I..."

His fingers stroked her cheek. "Dorothy, are you okay?"

"Goodbye and so long." Her own voice sounded distant and muted. Relena looked stricken.

/And I hope he was a good fuck,/ she thought bitterly. /I hope he was a damn good fuck./

Relena finally spoke. "Don't."

She slowly slid the gun into her mouth. It was cold against her tongue, and the metal clicked against her teeth. She walked towards her former lover with a deliberate sway in her hips. Her long hair swept across her back, past her waist. Dorothy removed the gun for a moment. "It's been real."

The gun popped back in, and she fell to her knees.

"Please. God, please, don't," Relena whispered. It sounded like a prayer. There was an irony to it that Dorothy might have appreciated a long time ago.

A moment passed, and Dorothy's finger remained on the trigger. Relena walked towards her and slid to the floor slowly. Her hands crept up to Dorothy's and brought the gun from her lips. The metal pressed against Relena's cheek, sliding against the hot tears.

"Did you always love him?" Dorothy's voice was like that of a small child's.

"I don't know." Relena's reply sounded honest.

"Did you ever love me?"

"Yes."

The gun righted itself, and Relena found herself looking at the muzzle.

"I love you, you know," Dorothy said brokenly. "I love you like nothing else."

He could see the hollow of her pale neck from his vantage point. The black letters, 13598, stood clear against her skin.

"Hi," he said awkwardly.

She stopped rocking her body and her mumbling and looked at him. "What are you doing here?" Her voice was hoarse.

"I don't know." He stuck his hands in his pockets. "I just... I don't know."

"You're still angry."

His blue eyes were furious. "You shot her. You... you shot her, point blank. You loved her, and you killed her." Heero took a deep breath. "Yes. I'm still angry."

"I'm still angry with you too," Dorothy remarked.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "She was always yours. No matter how many times I kissed her goodnight or how many times we... we..." Dorothy blinked back tears. "I've had five years to think about how many times your face must have been superimposed over mine when we were together. It's a long time."

He rubbed his temples. "You've been petitioning for a death sentence."

"I'd like to die," she said simply. "It would be a relief. It would be better than dreaming."

Heero's voice was surprisingly gentle. "Do you dream too, then?"

She nodded, her hair brushing against her gaunt cheekbones. "I dream every night of what might have been. What should have been." Her eyes closed.

The voice came over the speakers again, droning and bored. "Visitor time for #13598 is over."

Only her lips moved now. "Thank you for visiting, Mr. Yuy. Sleep well."

Heero exited through the doors. He stopped to look through the thick glass as the lights dimmed in the cell, swallowing Dorothy in darkness.

He turned around and left her to her dreams.

The End

[1] Line stolen from Lewis Carroll's _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_.

Points of possible clarification:
- Yes, Relena was dead all along.
- Yes, all the dreams in dreams in dreaams were dreams of Dorothy.
- The only "actual" events were that off the very first "flashback" and the scenes in the cells.

Jay