DEBBIE DOES THE TWO TOWERS
Chapter Eleven: Wayfaring Stranger
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"It's
true you don't see many Dwarf women," Gimli was saying. "They are so alike
in voice and appearance that they're often mistaken for dwarf men." The
Dwarf was perched precariously upon a horse, which was being led by Éowyn,
the King's niece. Debbie the White and Aragorn walked beside her, while
Legolas rode another horse slightly behind them. "It's the beards," Aragorn explained, stroking his chin. Éowyn gave a little snicker that clearly indicated to Debbie her infatuation with the Ranger. "They should use a dipilatory," Debbie suggested cheerfully. "I knew a girl with a terrible hair problem once, but a little Nair cleared that right up." Gimli leaned over and told Éowyn conspiratorially, "Believe it or not, *I'm* a woman." Éowyn's eyes grew round, but Debbie, who had overheard, gave a musical laugh. "Don't listen to him," she told the Shieldmaiden. "He's *definitely* not a woman. I should know." Éowyn blushed profusely at that. "I would scold anyone else for spoiling my joke," said Gimli, trying to glare at Debbie, "but I forgive you." Éowyn turned back to Debbie. "So, tell me more about your 'self-defense classes,'" she said eagerly. "You learned to fight without the use of weapons?" "My hands are my weapons. Oh, and my feet too, I suppose, in the case of the groin-kick." Aragorn winced noticeably at that. "And sometimes I use pepper spray, which is sort of a weapon, but that's optional." "It kills orcs most effectively," Gimli professed. Debbie frowned for a moment. "Come to think of it, I never did get my pepper spray back from Háma. Hope we don't meet up with any orcs out here." As if on cue, two orcs on beasts like rabid hyenas rode over the crest of the nearest hill. "Look out!" Debbie shrieked. "Wargs!" Háma, who happened to be nearest to the approaching creatures, turned in his saddle. He was able to evade the first attack, but the warg-rider pursued him. Debbie cupped her hands to her mouth. "Háma! Use the pepper spray! You know, the white thing!" Háma fumbled in his pockets and eventually located the item. "Spray it, Háma! Quick!" Debbie urged. The red-haired guard looked nervously at the tube, then pointed it away from him, squeezed his eyes shut, and pressed the top. Fortunately he had managed to point the nozzle in the proper direction, and the orc riding alongside him shrieked and fell off its warg. Debbie and the others cheered, but their mirth was short-lived, as many more riders came pouring over the hills in their direction. After that, all was confusion for a while. Debbie became separated from the others and concentrated on dispatching the orcs and wargs with her customary ruthless efficiency. She was amazed to find the groin-kick worked just as well on wargs as it did on orcs. ******* About thirty minutes later, Debbie flicked a speck of dust from her still-spotless white nightie as she surveyed the field with satisfaction. Thanks to her efforts--and those of the others, of course--not one single soldier of Rohan had been killed in the attack. And every orc and warg was dead or dying. King Théoden himself rode over to speak with her. "Everyone's okay, then? Where's Éowyn?" Debbie asked the King as he dismounted. "I sent her off with the women and children," Théoden answered. "Sent her off with the women and children?" Debbie cried indignantly, placing her hands on her hips. "Listen, King or not, I can see I'm going to have to educate you about women's lib." "I would be happy to hear about it when we reach Helm's Deep," Théoden responded with a bow, and Debbie reflected that he was rather distinguished-looking even if he was a sexist. "But now, let me give you honor for your valor, as much as I may do in this dire time." The King then placed a hand on Debbie's shoulder and turned to his assembled Riders. "Let it be known that the Lady Debbie is now an honorary Shieldmaiden of the Mark!" he cried in a ringing voice. All of the Rohirrim raised their spears and cheered lustily. Debbie blushed. "Thank you, but I really did nothing," she said modestly. "You should thank Legolas..."--she indicated the Elf--"and Gimli..."--she indicated the Dwarf--"and Aragorn...." She turned. "Where's Aragorn?" "Aragorn's fallen!" Legolas called anxiously from his place on the cliff's edge. "And I can't see him!" Debbie rushed over and passed where the Elf stood, flying over the cliff in a perfectly executed swan-dive. ******* Aragorn sputtered, struggling to open his eyes as he lay, wounded and half-drowned, on the riverbank. To his delight, Debbie hovered over him. He smiled. "You're alive!" she cried, clapping her hands in delight. "The CPR I learned last year worked!" "I just had the oddest dream...," Aragorn murmured. "First, I thought I was kissing Arwen, and then, for a brief minute, I thought I was kissing my horse. But then I woke up kissing you, and that's *so* much better!" "That was CPR," Debbie said. "*This* is a kiss." And she kissed the Ranger passionately. As they fell together on the riverbank, neither Debbie nor Aragorn noticed the unfortunate fate of Debbie's laptop, which was first ground into the sand beaneath Debbie's back, and then kicked into the river by the Ranger's ill-placed boot. Not that it mattered much, since it had shorted out immediately when Debbie had plunged into the river. ******* Debbie and Aragorn gazed down at the fortress of Helm's Deep from atop Aragorn's horse, which had managed to find them both asleep on the riverbank. Debbie sat in front of the Ranger, nestled against him to shield herself from the wind, which caused both of their hair to billow romantically. "I suppose we must ride down now," he sighed. "It wouldn't be polite to make them wait," Debbie agreed, as Aragorn spurred the horse forward. As they entered the great stone fortification, the assembled Rohirrim gave a collective gasp and then a loud cheer at the arrival of their newest Shieldmaiden and her escort. Gimli pushed his way through the crowd and launched himself at Debbie and Aragorn, hugging both of them tightly around the knees. "We thought you were both dead! You're the luckiest folks I've ever seen, the pair of you!" "I owe my luck to Lady Debbie. She saved me," Aragorn said seriously. Once they had disengaged themselves from Gimli's embrace, Debbie and Aragorn moved forward again to find Legolas standing at the top of the stairs of the fortress, a joyous smile on his face and tears in his deep blue eyes. "You're late," he managed to say as he pressed objects into each of their hands. Debbie looked down and was touched to see that Legolas had retrieved her pepper spray from Háma and saved it for her. "You look terrible," Legolas was saying to Aragorn, who was holding his newly-returned Evenstar pendant. The elf then turned. "But you look exquisite as always, Lady Debbie," he added, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
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