vizitors since January 25th luv me...u really luv me!
As of 2:52 a.m. 06/16/05 im....
*feelin
*listenin to: Im sounds on aol
*watchin:The Crush
*sponge bob tank n undies
*thinkin bout: FUCK MEN
*talkin 2: duznt matter
*how kewt i am : no comment
* werth $2,320,266.00 go me go me!
* rate me or rate me
June 17th 2:52 a.m.
March 27 8:52 a.m.
January 24 7:52 a.m.
January 20 1:46 a.m.
January 12 10:26 a.m.
January 10 10:46 a.m.
January 2nd 6:06 p.m.
December 21st 7:20a.m.
November 28th 10:26a.m.
November 25th 9:40a.m.
November 25th 2:31a.m.
November 24th 7:15a.m.
October 27th 11:05p.m.
October 26th 8:05p.m.
October 25th 9:13p.m.
September 29th 7:34a.m.
September 28th 8:25p.m.
September 24th 7:44a.m.
September 22nd 7:44a.m.
September 21st 7:11a.m.
August 19th 10:24a.m.
August 5th 8:57 a.m.
August 3rd 7:16 a.m.
July 30th 6:34am
July 6th 7:18am
May 31st 10:48pm
May 10th 7:33am
April 20th 7:55am
March 7th 10:26pm
February 3rd 7:18am
January 27th 10:48pm
January 25th 10:47pm
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I cant sleep...i havent even tried. Im not feeling the best both phys and emotionally. I havent been taking my meds like i KNOW i should and its really affecting me.
I was dorkin around yahoo personals, im not even sure why. Every male profile on the damm site says they want "slim,slender,athletic,thin/thick" females. Why does this even bother me? Everyone has a right to like what they want.Shit just gets depressing...especially when
you look at things and realize just alone you feel. Its ridiculous. Things are going very well in my life, the ONLY thing lacking is someone to share it with. Ive tried meeting men at fat gurl parties,bars,guys from the internet...but NOTHING. Ive sunk to an all time low....im on several dating websites!
And yes i feel like a complete loser being on them. I know i look hard-up. Im really not, as much as id luv to be in an adult relationship im not going to rush into anything with just anybody.Im just so sick of the games and bullshit.I cant even being to explain how sick of it i am. I just dont know where to go
to meet someone. I feel like ive tried everything. Im really losing hope. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that ill be alone for the rest of my life. Fuck this shit im done feeling sorry for myself for the nite....thats about all i can take.
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Yay! its freakin Easter Sunday...am i supposed to be happy or goddy or thankful? well im not. Im rather pissy this morning. I dont want to go to church, i dont really want to spend the entire day at my mothers, i didnt have enough cash to get a pedicure yesterday even IF i had the funds i didnt have the time....so that means NO sandals today, woke up with a crappy ass headache.....i better not cross any streets i might get ran over!
Ive been pretty down lately, im thinking about increasing my meds....i believe part of the reason im feelin so BLAH is due to the complete pussy i dated. I was straight forward with the guy,wasnt dating anyone,stopped talkin to my boys,i was impressed with myself! lol But all for nothing b/c he turned out to be a fucking pussy. I mean sure we have VERY strong oppesite religious beliefs and in the end things just would NOT have worked out, but be upfront.....dont just fade out of someones life. Be an adult and talk to someone....but did he dew that? Of course NOT. B/c he's just some random jackass lying asshole from the internet...just like the rest of them. Still very disappointing, but life is chuck full of disappointments and if the biggest disappointment in my life is some schmuck that i met on ya-fuckin-hoo ending a doomed to end relationship in a manner that is completly immature and rude....then hay i did good! lol
So Happy Fuckin Easter!
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Oh lord this weekend passed by so quickly...partially due to the massive snow attack we got on saturday...i wuz in ALL damm day! But i managed to go out and sign the purchase agreement to my condo, AND choose some colors and whatnots. I have about a week left then i have to give them my final selections...so im like thinking about it all the time lol
DARNIT i have to get up and get ready for work CRAP! lol
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Lets start off by saying the biopsy came back as negative....which i already knew it would :) So the doc is putting me on synthroid in hopes that the goiter or wutever its called will shrink...if it doesnt shrink any by April we'll talk about surgical options. I went to see my PCP today and she put me on Zoloft for my mood swings. I think ive needed to be on some sort of anti-depressants for a while now but im ignored it time and time again...but its gotten to the point where i cant ignore it anymore. So we'll see how it goes....my mother believes the whole world should be on zoloft lol
Just when i thought i lost all faith in men and believed there arent any decent guys out there that had ANY idea how to treat a lady i go on a wonderful date... he took me to Carabba's, brought me a box of cinnamon sticks!, had wonderfullllllllll conversation,dynamite food, then to the Bowery for drinks and more convo...this guy definately delivered. Cuter than his photos but just as sweet and attentive.....he's for sure 2nd worthy :) It was very nice to be wined and dined....i cant remember the last time that's happend...he was a complete gentleman...eventho he doesnt know his baseball facts LOL HA!! I lost faith in men again due to a spat im kind of having with someone that isnt even worth me mentioning...then why am i mentioning it? or him? I came to the conclusion last nite that all men are dogs,pigs,assholes,liars,fuckers,cocksuckin playin bastard hard ass wanna be's ALL b/c of some stupid falling out i had via EMAIL with sum dickwad i havent even spoken to recently. ::rolls eyes:: i wuz upset last nite,feelins hurt a bit but now im just angry....angry with myself. I should have let it go and not said BOO to his sorry ass but nooooo i just had to say sumthin....didnt even make a dent...he just went on and on about how fucked i am and how "women like you are the reason i dont want a relationship" Nice eh?? I came home to another email from him tonite but i didnt bother to respond. Its not worth and neither is he. But one thing he did manage to do with his so nicely worded emails...get me to think. I began to wonder...does all the fault really go to the guys? Am i letting myself off to easily? How is it possible that every guy i meet the same thing happens over and over again....it must be something im doing. I know i play a part in things falling to shit.....but im not sure what part.
And guess what i am doin saturday afternoon.......go head guess! Well if i said goin to sign a purchase agreement and showing my father,sister and the kids my NEW CONDO u guessed rite!!!!!!!!! By summer of 2005 i will be the proud owner of a 1300Sq brand spankin new condo on the border of canton and westland...i am so geeked! I get to pick out everything, and i only have 10 days to do so. Not very long lemme tell ya.....but im very excited. I cant wait...but im also nervous. This is a big responsibility but im ready for it :)
Ut oh....had a missed call on my cellie from Brian (the date guy) lemme chk that out then hit the hay.....ttyl!
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I am so drained today. The biopsy yesterday knocked me out...the last one i had didnt have this effect on me. Im not going into work...just going to stay home and rest which my boss agrees is what's best for me. Im so very lucky to have such wonderful co-workers and superiors...they understand that life comes b4 ur job and i appreciate their understanding more than i could express to them.
I kinda feel like im playin hooky tho....im just tired and kinda weak....its not like im sick or something. I dont like sitting around doing nothing...so im looking around this apt wondering what i should do today. Theres a shirt i need to return, go my folks, clean,just seems like theres something more forme to do other than veg all freakin day.
Ive also been kicking around the idea of moving back in with my parents for a while to save up some cash. I love being on my own and having my independence but the idea of saving a large amount of money that would help me along with my life and plans...well moving in with them makes a bit of sense. I just dont know how smoothly the transition would go over....me going from foot loose and fancy free,have ppl over whenever i want to, nobody to answer to , nothing! then bammm im back in my parents place....they say i wouldnt have any rules to abide by...which makes sense b/c i never did lol but of course there are boundaries. Im seriously thinking about doing this...am i nuts???????
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Im sitting here in bed on my laptop talking to sum married dude on yahoo that just moved here from NC.....exciting eh? Well he is neato to chat with SO far.....im sure ill get annoyed like i always dew and block him lol SORRY ROBERT! But anyway, i cant ever seem to sleep on my days off. I dont get it. I went to bed around 4am and woke up at 9am well i guess 5 hrs is about average for me.....soo on 2nd thought i slept just fine lol
What am i going to dew today? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......im just not sure. I dont want to sit in this apt b/c i will clean everything that doesnt need cleaned simply b/c i cant sit here and not dew anything for the ENTIRE day. Im far too restless for that. Not really in the mood to spend the day at my mothers...mona is off dewin sumthin with Laura BIG surprise there eh? and Meg is with her hunnie.....sooooo that pretty much leaves me with well ME lol but maybe ill go buy a pair of shoes...im sure that will help this mood im in!
Tuesday is the biopsy day AGAIN. I mean if i fucking have cancer, let me cancer and get it the hell over with. Im sick of dancing around this bullshit ya know? Its like let me know what im up against. I dont want to be scared time and time again. Its not like im being tested for leukemia or something SERIOUS but any form of cancer is scarey. I remember making the appt like a month ago......now its here. Time flies by so quickly its amazing. This whole yr passed and im exactly the same place i wuz b4.......but is that such a bad thing? Im a firm believer in If it aint broke dont fix it.....soooo is there really anything that needs "fixing"? Probably nothing other than my attitude.Maybe that should be my new yrs res.
Well anyhoo...im bout to get up and get movin.....its gettin late and i dont want to b cooped up here all freakin day.
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I had a wonderful NYE...at first i decided on staying in alone and sulking......but after i got out of work i said screw it...im jut gonna go stag and meet up with one of my favorite persons (meg) sooooooo i went home,packed an overnite bag and headed out to flint. My sister foned and said her,the kids and her fiancee' were going as well....thats what put the icing on the cake. The ppl i love most were all there to celebrate with. And to be perfectly honest with you, i didnt feel badly that i didnt have a date..well not toooooo bad lol and at midnite i kissed my gf (meg) n bf (her bf jason) lol who needs a date when u have an open relationship ;) im SOOOO joking...its a lil joke b/t us...we're not actually in a relationship...megan and i are non-practicing lesbians. We all drank ALOT but had a good ole time...boogied a bit...we looked stunning...left the cam in the hotel room...yes we're dummasses but dang we looked cute! So honestly i couldnt have asked for a better nite, it wuz awesome and im glad i went.
Now that i got that sweet shit out of the way its time to get sum crap off my chest lol Ive come to the conclusion that guys suck. There's not sugar coating it, they are nothing but disappointments in my life. A constant let down. Im not really one to toot my own horn but i have my fair share of guys that are pursuing me, that fone me and hang out with....dew u think that one of these jackasses would ask me out for New Years Eve? Of course not! Its fucking ridiculous! I dont know if im more angry with them for not even calling or more angry with myself for ever talking to them. Guys want shit too easy....lets "hang out" lets "get together" God fuckin forbid your stupid ass asks a gurl out on a fucking date. I mean it wuz NEW YRS....i wanted a date not a goddamm marriage proposal! Do i sound bitter? DAMM SKIPPY! Theres always fucking wolves sniffin outside my door...but nothing on nye...not a damm thing. I just dont get it.I know im not the only person going thru this shit.....its just not fair. Im so sick of the bullshit. Im the gurl guys want to "hang out" with....not even someone they invite out with their REAL friends. Its like im a dirty little secret. So here's a great big FUCK YOU to all the jackass morons that i USED to talk to or "hang out" with. I dont need bullshit and i surely dont need any of sorry excuses for men.
Now i must continue my laundry.....i suck when it comes to dewin it lol
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I wonder what it feels to have an actual future, i feel i have none. Ill be working the same dead end but enjoyable job for the rest of days, dwelling in the same crackerjack box apt with my multiple cats....i should be just accept my fate and shut the hell up about it. But still i wonder what it feels like to be finishing school and beginning your life, to work so hard at something and see it developing right before your very eyes. Maybe if i grew up in a different atmosphere my life would be different, i would be going somewhere and have something to look forward to......is it normal to feel you have nothing to look forward to at 27? Its the holidays, they always do this to ppl. You sit back and evaluate your life or lack there of then inevitably feel sorry for yourself. But do i really have a reason to feel sorry for myself? I have a good job,great family and friends,nice lil apt,dependable wheels....things look pretty....on the surface, but i cant do this for the rest of my life. I cant be a biller until the day i die. I need some kind of plan but i think it may be too late for that.
I made my mother feel badly last nite...im so sorry. I feel like an awful,mean,bad daughter.I knew it would hurt her feelings but i said everything anyway b/c i needed to get it off my chest, and part of me wanted her to feel bad about it.....well i got what i wanted. My mother that pretty much sacrificed everything my entire life to make sure i was taken care of and had everything i needed felt like a complete pile of crap b/c i was in a bad mood and feeling sorry for myself so i decided to tell her alot of things ive wanted to for a while....but i dont feel relieved....i feel ashamed.....ashamed of my actions, i had no right to bring her down like that. She was in a great mood but i wasnt and i stole her joy and brought her down to my level. I must call her and apologize today, then stop by tonite....i wont be able to rest until i do. I didnt sleep last nite b/c i kept dwelling on it.
Well i guess i better start up my truck/car thingie then begin getting ready for work....xoxoxox
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Sunday comes around so very quickly! Once Saturday ends it feels like the weekend is over...it just flies.
I didnt do anything last nite....well thats not entirely true I suppose. I baked a lasagne for my sister and Sacca (her fiance') i brought that over with some salad stuff and drinks...I went to the store friday afternoon and bought a few things expecting company but since that didnt happen i decided to feed them instead lol so after all that we played Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture DVD Edition...lemme tell ya this game totally ROCKS! It wuz a hoot...very fun and the questions were awesome...some were stupid easy but alot were challenging...definately a fun game to play with a group.After that i went home and tidy'd up a bit...then chilled out and ended up snoozing lol not a bad nite.
Friday nite Mona,Laura,soem Rhona chick and myself went to the Diamond Back in Belleville. Thats quickly becoming our Friday nite hangout. Well mix together an AWESOME live band "Derringer", buncha pick-up trucks, men in cowboy hats with goatee's and tons of booze and line dancing...how in the world could you go wrong with that?????? lol We all look forward to our Friday's out....just tons of fun...and the men are gorgeous!!! You really dont know which way to look...we all drool and take turns using my glasses to chk them out lol yes we're dorks!
Today i am spending time with my gf...my very first outing at a country club lol im like ummmmm wut dew i wear? wut dew i dew? lol i think ill b alrite ;) after "brunch" at the club we're going to chk out her new lil neicey-pooh....then im not sure....im kinda thinkin bout goin to buy a ps2 and stuff to get online...hmmmmmm should i take the plunge? I mean REALLY should i?????? im soooooooo very tempted!!!!!! Well either way its almost time to shower and whatnot so im outta bail ttyl
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I think that i like being hurt. Also, I must like drama. Since im always bringing them on myself or helping them along, i MUST like them. Why else look up things you know will upset you...is it b/c im a psycho crazed clingy biotch? Seriously, am i ? I think that Geo had me pegged just right, eventhough he didnt have the balls to admit it. But I ask you this, how is possible to keep things CASUal when the guy is so very sweet, charming, funny, adorable, very lovely dovey and all around great to be with...when he seems like a genuinely nice guy....HOW do you keep that casual? I thought i was doing it, it felt like i was pulling it off, but no apparently i was not. ::hangs and shakes head::
Its now time to get ready and head over to my folks....I hope that everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving and has family and friends to share it with, there is nothing worse than being alone....especially on the holidays.
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Still to this day men never cease to amaze me, confuse me, excite me, enrage, or disappoint me. My dearest best friend just left my place, she foned me up about 11:30-ish just waking from a snooze and decided she wanted Taco Bell, asked if I wanted some b/c she would bring it over....i did....so she did lol it wuz veryyyyyy good. So after she left I hopped online to check some mail and whatnot. I have a profile on this site called BBW Date Finder . I check it usually every couple of days to see IF theres anyone "interested" in me. This is site where I met David (the guy i was kinda seeing a bit ago). What gets my goat about SOME of these guys that have profiles on that site is that they are fucking full of shit. I say that because they SAY they are looking to meet someone, and the way they word it online and in person is that they want to meet someone that could be special in their lives, which turns out to be a total fucking lie. One guy says he wants to meet someone to complete him, someone that knows what they want out of life, someone that will not play games...yet when he met someone just like that all of a sudden he doesnt want a relationship and never did. He just said all of that shit to get some tail....nice eh? And another jackass gave a pretty detailed description of the type of person he is "looking to meet" and when he meets that type of person amazingly enough he backs off after a couple short weeks.
Where do these guys get off? Do they not know that they are ruining it for nice guys everywhere? Pretending to stand up, honest individuals when in actuality they are the worst type of player you could possibly run into. The "creepers" is what i call them. Theyre not your ordinary run of the mill type of player....they hide it VERY well. You cant even detect it until it's too late. You dont really even sense anything. NO spider senses tingling...nothing! Those are the dangerous guys, the ones that lie about what they want....just long enough to get under your skin and GET what they want....then they are out the door and onto the next prospect. We're all adults, men and women alike should be honest with what they are looking for in life and love. If you truly want a relationship say SO, dont say you dont then become emotionally attached to the person, then its too late to keep things casual. If you DONT want a relationship dont lead someone on with lies,empty hopes and complete bullshit...if you want casual...just say it! Ill be the first to admit that im not 100% sure what i want right now but i THINK its a relationship, more like its leaning towards relationship. What i want seems to change daily. At the present time i just want to be left alone because i dont like guys much lol but im sure that will change in the next few days.
Am i doing something wrong? Im not picking the wrong kinda guys...because each guy is totally different than the next or so it seems at first...always ends up the same way...almost text book like. Theres just no way to tell the difference between the nice guys and assholes anymore. The asses are totally fucking up things for the nice guys...giving men everywhere a bad rep for the shit they pull and its not fair, but come on what are women supposed to do. We have to be careful, and no matter what anyone says you take the baggage from your previous relationship to your next. Each time you get hurt its a little more difficult to trust someone, harder to open up and less and less hope. When will it stop? Does it ever stop?
on that note i think im going to hit the hay, i have to be to my parents fairly early tomorrow to help with the turkey and just to hang out. xoxoxox
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::yawns:: i wuz going to sleep in for a lil while longer but my fone rang and woke me up.....someone i wuznt really expecting to call but did, he's been calling lately....always enjoyed talking with his ass. He might come out my way this weekend...we shall see. Its raining outside and whenever it rains its always extra difficult getting out of bed when its still dark outside. The rain is so soothing, it just puts me out. But im only going into work for 3 hrs....i MUST keep telling myself that lol then off to my mama's to help prepare the turkey and stuffing :D
Tonite is THE bar nite! What am i doing???? im not sure....meg is takin her kids (classroom) to dinner, ill be at my folks until who knows when, but i wanna go to the bar! lol this one fella said he wanted to get together tonite, odds are he wont call b/c guys never dew...im not going to take it personally anymore...no sense in it. So if he calls SWEET, if not ill live :)
The guy that i ran into at the bowery around halloween....remember him? Well that ship has sailed....didnt take long did it? Well this one wasnt entirely my fault....he's VERY weary of "clingy" chicks....i mean most guys are but he's VERYYYYYYYYY annoyed by them. And some stuff kinda went down with he and i and i think he feels im clingy altho he wont admit it...u just get a feelin bout these kinda things ya know? So now its just kinda awkward, in the beginning we would just text eachother thru the day sayin HAY or i would make sum jackass comments, but now its totally different. I know eventually we'll run into eachother at the bar b/c its only 4 blocks from my apt...and im sure things will be slightly weird but such is life.You usually have to watch out for the ones that DONT seem like players b/c they just hide it better....thats why i go for bad boys, at least its all in the open. This guy had me kinda fooled....no kinda about it. He even fooled my sister and friends. I wont sit here and say i was REALLY into him b/c that would be total bullshit since we didnt know eachother that long, but i liked him. I wuz not letting myself for him, and that wuznt easy lemme tell ya. Somethin about those big, tall, curly haired, funny, sweet, and oh so charming boys...they totally drive me up the wall. ::shakes head:: Its for the best tho...still sucks...id like to spend summore time with him.
well its time for me to get ready fer werk...im goin in early and whatnot....soooooo xoxoxo
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Im sitting here bored out of my freakin head! I dont feel too hot...im watchin goddamm Maid In Manhattan...and im lonely. I talked to the Curve last nite....he said he wanted to come over tonite....i said ok call me....he did...he went back and forth about coming here b/c he's about 50 miles away. He had the balls to say What am i gonna get if i come there? I said ummmm a hug??? cuddlin if ur lucky lol....he wanted to get laid. Eventho ive told him repeatidly for well over a yr that none of that crap will be happening he still asks. WTF are these guys thinkin??????
So i met this guy saturday nite...kind of odd how i met him...turns out he wuz someone from the chatroom and i had no idea...hung out for a longgggg time exchanged numbers...i seen him online later the next nite...msg'd him....when we met seemed like we hit it off really well.....he seemed interested.....but no call....no msgs....nuthin....he did however email me and say he's sure we'll catch up real soon...i seriously doubt it. I mean if a guy is into a chick he would call her since meeting her 4 days prior...WTF are these guys thinkin????
Hmmm......it seems like the only time i blog is when im upset about a guy or feelin sorry for myself.......WTF am i thinkin???
Well i suppose im going to make sum dinner and finish watchin Maid In goddamm Manhattan xoxoxo
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How do i get blamed for something that i had absolutely nothing to do with? I wish i knew. The asshole thinks i go around running my "big mouth" to all the women in the fat gurl room....i tried to tell the little prick that i dont even talk to women in the room....let alone tell them my personal business...but he didnt want to hear it. Instead he told me to fuck off,leave him alone,that i have a big mouth, that there is NOTHING b/t he and i and there never will be, he doesnt care about me, he doesnt need me, and that im nothing. All coming from someone that just YESTERDAY was going on and on about how wonderful and sexy i supposedly am. Of course i ran my mouth about him but to my FRIENDS, meaning my best friend,my sister and hen....but i did not under any circumstances bash him like he thinks i did.
Perhaps he's trying to put some sort of blame on me b/c he knows he's a lying sack of shit and keeps getting caught looking like a jackass player? Honestly, i dont think he's a bad person. I always want to see the good in people and i CAN see it in him.....but maybe i shouldnt. He said alot of mean things tonite, just to hurt me and push me away and he succeeded. Not anything else i can do other than walk away....for good this time.
So....this is the last time im going to put myself thru this. No more aol guys, no more internet guys.....nothing. I have to stop subjecting myself to this torment. 99.9% of the time i bring this shit on myself...but im just trying to meet someone. Is it so bad that i want someone in my life that i can be with and share things with? That will complete this missing part....that i can cuddle up to at nite and take of....is it so bad to want that? I know im not the only single person going thru this, so thats somewhat comforting. I dont know when or where im going to find this.....or IF i ever will. I think i have alot to offer someone but that someone is NOT from aol or yahoo or some bullshit jackass dating website...i dont know where he is....maybe he'll just fall out of the sky one day and sweep me off my feet.
Well enuff about that...the date from last nite asked me out again...after being "disappointed"....i must have a talk with him...squash it b4 it starts. Well thats it for now xoxoxo
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Hmmmm.....well i just got home from a dinner date....i get the feeling that it didnt go too well...maybe it had something to dew with the guy saying he wuz "disappointed" lol.....hmmmm that may have sumthin to dew with it ;) Well wut happend wuz we met at chili's by my werk fer dinner and to get to know eachother...we seemed to get along pretty well, he's cute, all the good crap....we eat...and i had ONE beer...then i start feelin totally pukey. It still hasnt gone away. Sometimes i have these reactions when i eat...i really cant help it. So we sat outside n talked fer a lil bit then he walked me to my car and he said he wuz disappointed....i said well what do ppl usually dew when going out for the first time...mind you its a tuesday nite....i said Dinner and chit chat..then you decide if you want to go out again...he must've had something else in mind...well whatever it was he didnt get it. Not meaning IT...couldve been something like goin to shoot pool...hell i dont know b/c he didnt say! Even if he had said something i wouldve came home anyway b/c i feel icky...im gonna lay down after i upload this. I just dont understand it...what more would 2 ppl dew when meeting or going out for the first time??? Seemed perfectly normal to me...now if it were a friday er saturday i wouldve opted to dew more but its not. Sooooooo i doubt ill be hearing from this one again...ill keep u posted.
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I wish i knew how to hide what im feeling.....i wish i could control my actions better than i do. I wish i didnt wear my heart on my sleeve and i wish i didnt let him know just how much he means to me and how easily it is for him to hurt me. I go over things in my head....again and again....and i always come up with the same conclusion. I blocked him, then unblocked him, then blocked him again....will it stay? I dont "need" David in my life, he's not in it anyway but i dont need him....but wanting is a different story. Seeing him saturday nite made me realize a couple things...i know what kind of person he is, i know i could never trust him b/c he's a liar but that doesnt stop me from caring about him. I dont understand it. Why have these unconditional feelings for someone that disregards you so easily? Do i only want him b/c he doesnt want me? Do i only care about him b/c he doesnt care about me? Is this me chasing after the unobtainable? I wish i knew the answers to those questions.
Well im out...my gf just got here...she's gonna grade some papers and visit with me.......ttyl!
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I fuckin luv when your having a moment in ur life when u feel u need to make ammends with a few ppl so u decide to pour ur heart out and really put urself out there but get no feed back. I mean it only took me like 30mns to write the dummass email, i re-wrote it over and over again until i felt my point wuz clearly made....this jackass reads it and totally disregards it. And i tried to be a better person b/c?????? Now i just like an idiot. I should have left well enuff alone but i wuz shakin up yesterday....patty pretty much rocked my world and i got scared. I started to think about the things id like to say if today were my last day b/c u REALLY dont know when ur last day will be. But, now i wish i could go back and not write that stupid fuckin email....DAMMIT!
I overslept this morning too.....waking up is becoming such a problem for me. God i hope this isnt going to be an aweful day. Please dont let me be a miserable bitch from hell. ::sigh::
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What a day.....well actually the day wuznt bad at all other than the distubing news i got from my mother.....
she calls me while im trying to werk to tell me that a friend i had while growing up slipped and fell and broke her leg, she needed surgery....while having the surgery she formed some sort of blood clot that went to her lungs...a "massive" blood clot and wuz in a coma and on a resperator with NO brain activity. JESUS CHRIST! All this from a fucking broken leg! MY GOD! I wuz at my folks earlier tonite, we got word that she passed on ::sigh:: i wish to god i could go to the funeral but i cant b/c its the busiest time at werk rite now and leaving just isnt possible. I look back at all the stupid things we used to do...her parents and my parents were prettty tight at one time and her and her brother would hang out alot with Mona and i....its all very disturbing. Makes me think alot....about my life...making changes....god so many things. Its just so scarey...this poor gurl was goin in for leg surgery and didnt make it out at all. What is her family goin thru? I couldnt imagine! I think my mama and crazy old aunt are goin there tomorrow...ill be there in spirit :(
What kind of changes dew i need to make in my life and how can i make them happen? On the way home to my apt i heard that Tim McGraw song live like u were dying? er sumthin like that....and that got me thinkin as well. I want to be happy...i need to figure out wut would make me happy and try to make that happen b/c you only live once and go back and change things once that moment is over.
on a funny note my cats keep burning their tails from the lit candles but i REFUSE to not burn candles lol i hope they realize that fire burns sooner or later cuz the candles arent goin anywhere! lol
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YAY!!! its friday! The best day of the week....i get to find out just how broke i am lol but its alllllll good. I dont think have any special plans this weekend...mite hit up a fat gurl party mite not...my best friend so graciously pointed out that all i seem to dew is go to werk and go to fat gurl parties.....wut else am i supposed to dew tho?? Sit at home alone? The only ppl i really hang out with r her and my sister both of whom are with their boyfriends all weekend long soooooo should i just sit home alone? Er go to a fat gurl party lol. Not sure what my choice will be this weekend....mite just chill out with my cats since im pretty low on cashola or at least i think i will be.
Went to look at this fabulous brownstone the other nite in Westland...its completely gorgeous and i wouldnt change a thing about it...well maybe the price lol. My only option rite now is to rent it but my credit wouldnt be sufficient enough to finance it for about 2 yrs thanks to my sister and her wonderous ex husban
! So its looking like a no go...which is pretty disappointing b/c i really like this place. Its cozy and everything i could ever want. Oy! i guess i better get up and get dressed its about that time!! xoxoxo
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The mornings seem to go by so quickly...eventho i began waking up at 6:30am...probably b/c i wuz in bed basicly by 10pm and took an hr long nap b4 that....i just wuznt feelin too hot physically and emotionally as well i suppose....ok no supposing about i wuz down but its nothing that i cant beat. When things go wrong with someone you were seeing or dating you always try to figure out what went wrong, was it something i did, something i didnt do, was there something i couldve done differently...all of those stupid questions. But i wasnt doing that last nite...and i havent been doing that. I can honestly say that it wasnt me this time and im not even questioning that.
I have a dr's appt today and i just LOVE leaving work early specially since it takes away from my overtime that i love oh so very much! lol but when ya gotta go.....ya gotta go! Then later this evening my mom and i are going to chk out this brownstone/townhouse in westland. Im like 99.9% positive that its way out of my budget and the only way i could swing it would be with a roommate or so, it has 3 br's but im not sure if id want to room with 3 ppl...or even one person. Ive been living alone since november and i like it. So we shall see whats what once we meet this with this lady tonite.OY! I didnt reaklize it wuz so late lol gotta go xoxoxox
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Its been a while since ive blogged....i guess b/c there hasnt been anything to say. Ive looked one person's blog in particular and he talks of important things such as politics but here i go rambling on about my misfortune in love and addiction to shoes...i guess i feel a bit shallow, maybe even a lil air head like but stick to what you know and i know Jack Shit about politics, what i dew know is how it feels to get hurt by a failed relatoinship,where to buy sexy fat gurls clothes and where to find the hottest shoes around...doesnt sound too bad does it? I also know how to be kind to the ppl i truly care about and would do anything in my power to help them if they ever needed me.
Of course theres a reason ive decided to blog after over a month, the past few days have been....well maybe not eventful but informative is a better word.
I went to a fat gurl party in Dearborn where i barely reconized a face, but they sure as hell knew who i wuz. I learned from a couple sources that these women "hate" me and have a little nick name for me....deep down it doesnt matter what these ppl think about me, but on the surface it bothers me. I like to think that im a good person or at least i try to be. I luv talking to men i dont lie about that, but why hate me b/c of it? One female told some guy that I had my CLAWS IN HIM ALL NITE so she couldnt go up and say hi.....what she didnt know is that i was dating that jackass for a lil while and i kept telling him to GO MINGLE but he'd rather sit at there and talk to me.....which is all complete bullshit anyway but thats what he said...he said plenty. Im catty....im not even going to say that i am not but part of the reason i AM catty is b/c what alot of women say about me. I think most ppl that dont know me get the wrong impression of me, but im not out to change the worlds view on me. The ppl i hold dear to my heart know how i truly am and im thankful they are in my life......but Damm! Stop Hatin!
I had a pretty big blow out last nite with the guy i WUZ seeing...he went off on me pretty badly but truthfully i brought it on myself. I asked a female friend something about him and i KNEW when i asked her i shouldnt have but i did it ANYWAY and it totally blew up in my face. I didnt know he liked her, he told me he didnt...but later admitted that he did and lied to me. He accused me of trying to "fuck" with his life, that was not my intention at all. Ive never spoke badly of this man, even last nite when he wuz going off on me i wuzn bad mouthing him b/c i think he is a good person but i truly believe he's out for the Next Lay and thats all. And that does not make you a bad person...just means you want to get laid and not a relationship. He said plenty of hurtful things, i know he wuz trying to upset me and i fed rite into it. As he was saying these aweful things i kept thinking, you were just telling me earlier today how wonderful i am, telling me yesterday that im a great person, telling me the day b4 that im one of the most beautiful women you've ever met and wish we wouldve met 10yrs ago b4 your shitty relationships, telling me you couldnt see us not talking again and how i feel matters to you. But if how i felt truly mattered to this man he would not be all up on females that i know......so yet again that was bullshit. Just like he is......bullshit. Complete BULLSHIT.
I was about to go to bed last nite, then Tiny Msgs me and asks if we can talk...so he calls me..what was supposed to be a 10mn call turned into an hr lol but it was nice talking with him. We talked a bit of business...such as when he opens his bar and i help him start up his fat gurl parties...maybe gurls in Ohio dont hate me yet? lol We caught up on whats been happenin in our lives and what not.....then he said the damnest (forgive spelling) thing. He said I intimidate him. This coming from a 40yr old business man. I was shocked. He said thats probably what happens with some of the guys i date, i dont know about that! He said im strong willed,independant and beautiful and that intimidates him. I never saw myself as that type and i still dont. But i am what he said, thats no lie but i dont think those are grounds for intimidating men......is it?
Well i think thats enough for now.....oh wait i didnt swear off Aol men yet and say how they lose interest after 1 month or 2 and i keep falling for the same type over and over again......ahh..its been said b4 ;) xoxoxo im outie
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HAPPY BDAY JACKSON!!!!!
Its my Love Bug's bday today he's 11....goodness how the time flies! I remember the day he wuz born, how we thought we wuz going to be a gurl and now he's this big (5'3 1/2") 11yr old jock boy! We're having his party on saturday at a bowling alley in belleville ....i have no idea what im going to get him!
Dave is relocating....dont know where yet but probably either Lansing or Grand Rapids...either will suck and mark the end of ummmmmmm our association? LOL well we're not really anything to eachother but we like eachother.....such is life rite? Meet someone i like and click with, then i begin to care about them and something goes wrong. Butttttt it was nice while it lasted, it felt good to be with someone again, and know that there is someone out there that i clicked with and was very attracted to and all that crap lol
Well i guess thats it for now i dont really feel like typing anything else and im hungry! sooooooo im out xoxoxo
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Man i jut luvvvvvvv thursdays! I get to sleeeeeeeeeep in! I just woke up and only b/c i have a dr appts with my php this mornin to discuss this thingie i fergot wut its called. I didnt get to bed until late last nite tho prolly around 2:30 er 3am. I wuz chattin and messin about.
Wanna know whats REALLY embarrassing?? When you write things in your journal when your upset or hurt and highly emotional and someone reads it that you didnt think wuz still online and it happens to be bout them....sooooo you get a fone call and they comment on what you said. Thats pretty bad, well its even werse when your pourin out ur heart sayin how much u care and dare i mention the word love ::gags:: and he says" i still like you too" OY! I didnt know that greg wuz still online, had i known i probably wouldnt have write some of the crap i did. But its all good, we're on speaking terms and im happy for him and his gurl. And i REALLY mean it this time lol. He says he was here a lil while ago fer like 2 weeks er sumthin but didnt call me b/c i said we shouldnt talk anymore, yes i said that lol but he called when he read the stuff in my journal about the tests ive been goin thru......he's not a heartless prick seeeeeeeee lol he can be a good friend when he wants to be.Or a genuine pain in my ass....he's good at that too lol for instanceeeee......
tuesday nite david comes over, which i was happy about :) greg finds out he's comin over so he calls me and then calls me again....thats just how he is.....dave didnt care he made a point of sayin that....he's like i dont care what you do,who you see,who you go out with blah blah blah im like okkkkkkkkkkk then and i got a bit pissy lol he knew it b/c it was obvious and asked wut wuz up.....eventually i told him and he said he DID care but was tryin to be a "tough guy" i told em dont bother bein a tuff guy lol
do all ppl go thru this stuff when ur gettin to know someone? or it just me? cuz im sensing a pattern here lol
hell i best get up and get dressed then hustle over to my mothers YAY lucky me huh.....tell me about it! lol
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Whew! can u say relief???????? i got the results back yesterday from my biospy and theres NO cancer!!!!!!! OMG im sooooo thankful and happy and relieved.....my entire family is! So many things were racing thru my head, i couldnt really sleep. I was tossing and turning all nite long. Last nite i actually slept pretty well, aside from the baby cat waking me up that is. But once i kicked the bastard out of the room and shut the door i slept fine! lol I go thursday to speak with my dr and see what theyre gonna do about this mass/lump thing.....i mean its freakin huge! But its not dangerous!!! :)
Dave has been so sweet......well he kinda always is sweet but just shitty at calling or returning msgs lol but i dont know just lately he's been totally different. I wasnt feeling well sunday nite and he came over and took care of me :) Ive honestly never had a guy do that b4, he cuddled with me and held my hand and kissed my forehead, it was the sweetest thing!I dont know what brought all this on but shit i hope it stays lol
my sissy and the boys FINALLY got home from PA on sunday but i seen them last nite after i got home frum werk. Jake broke his wrist on his brand new skateboard lol but he's in great spirits, he's milking it for all he can lol thats my boy! OMG they were gone fer ummm 3 weeks maybe and he's now taller than me! he wuz 5'1 er 5'2 when he left now he's TALLER than me! i totally flipped out ::shakes head:: and jordan is almost as tall as me.....they grew like weeds.....weeds i tell ya! lol Mona,the kids and i went to din din last nite....i sure missed those guys.....it was terribly lonely w/o them home now everything is better :)
Ugh i guess i better get up...i wanna grab sum breakfast b4 heading to werk....today is my parents anniversary and niney (crazy old aunt) is baking them a cake so im going straight there after werk then to mona's. Sounds like fun eh? heheh well to me it actually duZ! yes i need help :)
sooooooo im outie....and in great spirits. I Hope it stays that way!!!!! xoxoxox
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Im skeerd....
Last friday i spent the morning/afternoon at the dr's having a few tests done, not the way id prefer to spend a friday away from werk but it had to be done. Well on monday i got the results back from an ultrasound on my thyroid, it seems i have a "mass" in my thyroid and needed to have a biposy. I immediately begin to freak out as anyone would...i mean its terrifying to think you MAY have cancer even if it's in a contained area. So wednesday myself along with my gypsy posse (meg & jay inclucded hehe) went to St Joe's in Ann Arbor and i had the biopsy done. It was pretty darn unpleasant lol NOW im just waiting on the results. The dr that performed the biopsy said my primary care ph should have the results by friday or monday.....since its friday the nervousness is starting to come!I
m not going to sit here and say i KNOW im fine, thats what my entire family is doing but i know they care and theyre werried but thinking good thoughts isnt going to make something go away IF there's something there.
Today is also month end at werk....busiest day of the month and we are SLAMMED! Im going in around 7:30 i think to try and get caught up!
well i guess thats it for now, just werkin blah blah blah and skeerd lol ohhhh so this guy that was i talkin about earlier, his name is Dave...well david and i havent been seeing eachother lately, he doesnt seem to return calls very well...he msg'd me last nite and said he's just been "relaxing" ...relaxing? since when does relaxing mean you dont ppl
s calls or return msg's IF you like them as much as you claim to? LMAO i just dont know what to think about this guy. he's really throwing me for a loop and i thought Gregory wuz confusing,whom happend to be online the whole time i was last nite. I wanted to msg him so badly but the way our last convo went i decided against it and i know thats for the best. We havent spoken in over 2 months, we've never done that b4...seeing him online made me dream about him last nite. It felt so real, it was wonderful. It felt like he was really here, i could smell him and his hair was spikey and felt like a porcupine lol it was just too real....but it was just a dream.
Well i guess i better get up and get ready fer werk if im gonna get there by 7:30 er 8am...xoxoxo
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Another 3 day weekend has come and gone....spent it campin with Meg and Uncle Steve...all im sayin is im never goin campin again lol im simply not the out doors type..i dont like sleepin outside..i think that was the problem..it kinda grosses me out...but im happy i tried sumthin new, i just know that i wont be dewin it again!
I had a date monday nite, but got stood up. I dont know what happend. We've been out a couplet times and talk all the time....things were goin well...i actually talked to him sunday morning fer like 20+ mns then monday he wont return my 2 voice msgs and he stands me up. I wish i knew what happend. Was it something i did? Something i said? Or did he just meet someone else? Maybe i was the someone else all along? Honestly i dont know and i doubt ill be finding out. I dont know what to say anymore. I really thought this guy was honest and upfront and sweet.....but i was fooled YET again. Each time i take a chance i get dissed. So does that mean i shouldnt take chances anymore? Probably. But then again that wouldnt really be living. I feel really stupid this time tho...i spent a big part of the weekend just gushing over this guy, hell ive been gushing over him since our date last week....he said he was "smitten" with me and constantly told me how beautiful and sweet i am....then THIS happens...i dont get it. ::shrugs::
So anyway im going to chill out for a lil bit longer then get ready fer werk :(
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Memorial day weekend has come and gone....i was so lookin forward to having an extra long weekend, but for what i ask? It was all in all a pretty good weekend...spent time with friends,loved ones and managed to go shoe shopping altho that was terribly unsuccessful....can u believe i didnt buy one single pair? I KNOW! What is this world coming to?
I was with Megan at a bbq tonite with the luvable gay boys....they are so cute....u cant help but luv them.....had a great time....but on the way home i turn on DAMM 100.3 and the depressing sad ass love songs are playin and where does my mind go???? Greg called and told me last weekend that he's getting married.I honestly felt my heart drop as if that were possible....well i fuckin felt it. I was shell shocked.Floored. Speachless. I never seen him as the settling down type but apperantly he is...just not the type to settle down with....ME. Which is always the case, has always been the case. Ive been trying to act like this doesnt bother me, that it doesnt matter to me that he's going to make a life long commitment to someone that isnt me...well i cant pretend anymore. My heart is breaking. Just when i thought he was done breaking my heart it goes and happens again. I feel sick to my stomach, almost short of breath. The thing that hurts the most is, when you love someone so much and truly feel you could spend the rest of your life with them and they dont feel the same way it hurts like hell. I can honestly say ive only been hurt more ONCE in my life and that was Robert and Candy's wedding day... but this feels totally different. Deep down im so happy for him, i sit and think if she makes him feel how he made me feel im happy. Eventhough he isnt with me i truly want him to be happy and i realized that tonight. It was the first time i havent been selfish when it comes to him. I want the best for him and i wish him all the happiness in the world eventhough im not the one to give it to him and that kills me. I didnt think i was capable of the kind of love i felt for him and still do feel for him. I know in time it wont hurt nearly as much as it does right now...so im anxiously awaiting that time. I just dont know what to say anymore. I feel a bit lost. Like things arent right....how can i let ONE person have such an affect on my life when i have absolutely NONE on his? And NO im not having a pity party, love comes and goes...if it was meant to be we would be together. I know that the ONE is still out there....hell i have to believe that b/c if i dont what else do i have? I have hope. That is all i have. I know in time he wont be in all of my dreams but right now he haunts them. I know that in time i wont cry at the drop of a hat b/c something reminds me of him,that someday those memories will make me smile instead of making me so very sad. People say the hardest thing in life is to love someone and have them love someone else. Ive never found that to be more true then it is right now.
Im gonna go chk my email then hit the hay, i need to be to work early in the a.m. xoxoxo
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Well it's beena while since ive blogged...im not sure why exactly....possibly from lack of time,lack of desire or not really having anything to say thats terribly interesting. Ive been werkin, my boss has been training me with some accting crap which im VERY excited about lol wut can i say? I LIKE IT! hahaha My apt is great i couldnt be happier living here...well maybe i could if i had more space for my clothes and shoes lol i dont need more livingroom or kitchen space im happy with that but DAMM i need more closets!
Im tryin to see if anything else has been happenin....just small crap here and there....nuthin really important enuff to write about. Ohhhhh here's sumthin to write about......Bryan wuz here a lil bit ago (bout 3 weeks) everything went really well, we spent alot of the weekend with megan and jay it wuz nice. Who knows when we'll ever see eachother again b/c we're both so strapped...but i dont really wanna get into that b/c its a bit too personal id say.
Well i best get up and start movin...i need to figure out wut im gunna wear to werk blah blah blah lol sounds exciting duznt it???
OH!!!!! im totally addicted to American Idol! Altho i missed the weds episode last week and GEORGE wuz voted off :( thats very updsetting....he wuz one of my fav's! Im wonderin who will b kicked off this week.......please let it b either Jasmine er Diana guess we'll see!!
yah yah its gettin later so its time to get up!! xoxoxo
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Ugh 8am comes along so very quickly lol! i didnt even realize it got so late so quickly. I have to get up and get ready fer werk now! I wanted to blog about sum crap but i really dont have the time rite now. Soooo ill catch up with ya'll later lol xoxoxo
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What the hell is going on with me lately? Ive been extra super bitchy and for no real reason. Am i just miserable that im still stayin at my folks b/c i need my mothers help with getting well? Is it that everytime i have sum kinda surgery dun i get an infection and my recovery time is double or tripled? Is it b/c my parents treat me like. a child and i let them get away with it? Could it be that im so swollen that u cant tell i had anything done and im sittin here wondering Was IT worth is? ::sigh::
Im not really sure what the real reason is but i find myself having a difficult time keeping my cool...it doesnt take nearly as much to make me blow up about shit right now...what the hell is wrong with me?!? I dont want to be the bitter chick...the annoyed one....the angry one...the bitchy one....thats MEGAN lol sike im teasin! I just dont know what my problem is.
I kinda had a fallin out with someone a bit earlier over some bullshit...ive known him for a little while and we've been cool with eachother JUST friends...but i guess i overstepped my boundaries and pissed him off...he basicly stopped talking to me and ended our friendship. He's a guy i met online but he used to werk with my sister a couple yrs back or so...so it wuz like a common ground fer us and we were cool....well that has changed. I dont feel too good about it either. I mean all in all he's just an aol guy friend or whatever but it still bothers me. I never thought of him as an asshole and he never thought of me as a piece of meat. I guess it doesnt matter now whats done is done.....and in the end i wont cease to exist if we never speak again.....but im disappointed.
Soooooo now that i got all that ranting and raving out of my system i think i will phone my boy and then go ni ni....xoxoxo
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OK so sometime i go and chk out other ppl's blogs and theyre all deep and shit or talkin about politics and here i am rambling about the weather, why i cant sleep, jitters due to upcoming surgery pr maybe fashion...i guess im wondering if im a bit shallow?
UGH!! this computer is making sucha nasty noise rite now good gawd i think its gonna croak lol..... mmmmmm k i was in the process of making a point but i got side tracked...that seems to happen a bit lol hmmm where i was going with this?
Ohhhhh ok so i dont give 2 shits about politics...im not a femenist...i dont support any "causes"...i dont have any real hobbies....so what exactly is there TO me? I work kind of alot, spend time with my family and friends on the weekends but spend most of my down time in my nifty lil apt crocheting and watching dvd's @nite while sippin a lil sumthin to keep me warm....should i be dewin sumthin else???
I just...i dont know...im not very interesting...im good for small talk and bs'ing at parties or social gatherings but thats it ::shrugs:: Hell maybe i just need to cut my hair LMAO how would i look with short hair??? I Hide behind it...quite often i feel like i wouldnt be anything w/o my boobs and hair. See! There i went off the subject again lol
Geeeeez the time is here to get up and get ready fer werk....we have a meeting after...blah blah blah so im outie.....xoxoxo
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Dont u hate it when u doze off then wake up and ur totally sleepy and screwed up fer the rest of the nite...or is it just me? lol
The weather has made my daily commute to and from werk a living hell....im sure im not the only person goin thru this but damm it sucks BIG TIME! Werks startin to pick up which is great...im all about sum overtime...i found out im werkin a full day on saturday so YAY :) i welcum it!!
Soooooo.....i have a surgery date of February 12th...What surgery? u ask...well im finally going to have my tummy tuck,arms and boobs dun....im veryyyyyyy excited! Ill b off werk until march 1st...i wuz hella surprised when my werk ok'd my time off but i really shouldnt b cuz my boss is awesome...hell all of em are...im lucky as can be. Im startin to get a bit nervous...well more than a bit lol but im so excited i cant wait!
Well i guess im gunna hit the hay...im gettin a wee bit more sleepy like and i think its time fer nite nite xoxoxo
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Just a lil love note to say HAY and YES im back! I moved SUM of my crap over to this geocities free site...we shall see how it werks. I took most of my pix off and am only going to post a few at a time b/c i dont get much space so i hadda downsize :)
ALOT has happend since last time i blogged...well maybe not ALOT lol but ive moved out on my own. Im in canton now.....in a neato lil cozy apt of my own and i luv it! Ame got engaged! Uhhh i gotta boyfriend...so thats kinda it lol. Speakin of boyfriend i gotta jet cuz he just called n i said i wuz werkin on my page n i wanna call em back.
But i can tell u this much...i will b blogging again....its sumthin i like to dew...helps me blow off steam and passes the time so expect updates n crap on my site :)
soooo im outie fer now xoxoxo