February 10th 4:22pm
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i kno i already had a blog fer today.....butttt i had sumthin else i wanted ta talk about :)

i jes wanted to say that greg proved alot of ppl wrong.....i dont know how many times i heard that his plan was to hit it and leave...that the reason he said he cared about me was to get sum fee fee...but they were wrong :) i didnt feel that getting laid was his motive for saying what he said...but who would like hearing that yanno? but screw you guys (that said that) cuz he didnt even try...he's not the dawg alot of ppl thought he was...he's a young guy with many options who never made any promises to me...i may not understand why he did some of the things he did but he was honest about what he wanted with me pretty much from the get go...in spite of that i got hurt...which was not his fault...he never wanted to hurt me but it happend...its part of life and growing...ive learned somethings from meeting greg and i wouldnt give them, or the memories i have for anything. I missed his call today...i wuz takin Moo to the doctor and i left my cellie in the car and when i got back in the car the fone was ringing and went to voicemail...i tried callin em back but got his voice mail so i left a msg...when i hear his ring ::sigh:: GOOD LORD a freakin ring on a fone duz that to me? haha yes it duz....yes ima dork...thanks :)

so das all i wanted to say really......i jes wanted to say I TOLD YOU SO to the ppl that thought he was being all sweet and caring in order to get booty b4 leaving....u were wrong :)

February 10th 9:12am
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ive been up fer a while now...ive added sum pix frum saturday's lansing party and sum old pix hen sent me.....soooo chk em out..i think they r neato :) haha yah i said NEATO u gotta prob wit dat?? i didnt think so homie heh

saturday...
woke up cleaned tha place up...den amee n i went to muh mama's place to see her new carpet...we hung out there fer a while den picked up hen and went to tha store...came back home chilled out...made sum din din mmmmm tacos! and den started the beautification process...if you go to CAM and click on FEB LANSING 2003 u can see how we turned out :) n ummmm den we went to the party.....OMG it wuz hella aweful! hahaha we got dere like i dunno....9-ish and left by 10:30...well we went to BK first lol den came home...we all got online and dis dude ive been diggin fer a lil while now like ummmm 2 yrs wuz online he had jes got home frum watchin a hockey game....i tole em ta come hang out wit us he said ok....sooo he came ova...hung out til like 4am...he wuz really funny and sweet and ummm cute as hell lol and yanno the best part??? he didnt even try to smooch me...whic wuz awesome...hmmm im wonderin if he dunt like me? hahah maybe he thinks im kinda fugly in person? well we've met b4...i dunno but he wuz a sweety...den he left n hen n i hung out fer a lil while longer den i went ni ni.

sunday...
woke up...brought hen home...went to my mama's...i ended up stayin there fer a long ass time...like all day lol i almost took a lil nap wit mona...mookie (nephew jordan) was all sick :( muh baby hadda fever n everythang! i hadda date planned fer sunday nite but i cancelled cuz moo wuz sick...i tole em we gotsa reschedule he wuz kewl wit it :) which is good cuz he's cute n stuff....ummm den wut else?? i came home n did ALOT of laundry...which i am still dewing this mornin.....dammit i fergot i got sum ready to fold...goddammit! hahaha

soooo yah i gotta get up n finish my laundry.....then get ready to take moo to the doctor. Laura is comin ova tonite ta watch Joe Millionaire. I miss her :( its been ferever since ive seen her...i miss megan like crazy too...fuggin hoe hahah i gotsa see muh meggers :(

oh....gregory called me yesterday...he said he gotta speedin ticket in texas he wuz goin 109 in a 70 zone.....good lord man! but the cop gave em a break said it wuz 87 er sumthin like that. He called at like 1pm-ish and he wuz bout an hr frum his mama's place...im happy he made it there safely...he sounded so far away...and he is ughh but umm it wuz good hearin his voice...he said fer me to call em today...i suppose later tonite i will...i dunno...he's starting a new job today and he's gunna b spendin time wit his son and his gf....sooo i dont wanna call n disturb em...he can call me if he wants to yanno? he said it wuz hot there he's like i got the windows down and my shirt off......lil shyt! lol i hate this cold fuggin weather hahah anyhoooo im really goin dis time!!! xoxox bbl

February 8th 9:48am
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well he's gone...hmmm that sounded like he's gone lol noooooo thank god he's fine....but he's no longer in the same area code as i.

im sittin here staring at this picture of he and i taken the end of october when we went to stalk wrestlers and we look really good together...i have 2 pictures actually...one is a normal and the other is him tryin to bite my boob lol....he wanted to take them with him yesterday and i said ok but then i took them back. I didnt want to give them up. I sat down and thought about it and wondered if his BI gf would see them...what would she say? im sure he'd play it off and say she was just a friend...i mean you cant say you were seeing a fat gurl...you'd get teased and made fun of...so instead of any of that happening i kept...im get them scanned and email them to gregory.

so he came by yesterday.....he called and said it would be about noon and asked if id cook for him so i said of course b/c i love to cook or do anything for him.....so he called again to say he was on his way and i started on the grub...he got here and ate...he amee and i hung out in my room...he and i cuddled for a while which was all i wanted and i got it :) and of course we scuffled around a bit...him n amee were gunna kick eachothers asses....then amee says should i give you guys a little time alone? he said yes b/c im leaving in a few minutes....i tried to get him to stay here with me until today but he has a job lined up for monday and had to leave...so i sat on the bed...he sat directly in front of me and held my hands...then i asked him to sit on my bed with me which he did...and he said that i couldnt cry when he left b/c he would cry too...and i said ill try not to heh....we sat there in silence then he said he has to go so i got up and walked him to the door....he asked if i were walking him to his car and i said No...i didnt want to be left standing there watching him drive away...so we hugged outside my door and he gave me a lil peck and he told me not to cry and i burried my head in his chest and tried not to...then he seen sumthin on my neck LMAO and it killed tha moment hahahaha OMG then i looked in his eyes and i felt like i couldnt breathe...he said dont cry b/c ill cry....and i started to cry he kissed me and ran down the stairs....that was it. I went in my room and well im sure you can figure the rest out.

then i got ready for a job interview, my roomie went wit me cuz we had dinner plans and i was told im over qualified for the position but they were going to talk it over and see if they could add something to the position b/c i would be a valuable asset for the company......i said kewl....i didnt call greg eventhough he asked me to after the interview....so amee, ha and i were at cooker and gregory called....i didnt answer it b/c i was tongue twisted....but i called him back....got his voice mail....left a msg he called back....he was stuck on 94 in the big traffic thing..i told him to come back and stay with me the night and leave saturday morning....he said if he can find a turn around he would......but of course he couldnt.....which is for the best....i dont think another goodbye would be much fun. So after dinner we went to best buy....den ta marshall fields and i got the best gifts! you know im addicted to shoes right? well Ha knows that im broken hearted that greory left.....so he purchased me these awesome shoes...i wore them in the apartment when i got home...it made me happy :) then my cousins april and fallon came over..they chilled for a while and that was my evening.

i know im going to be fine...its just that right now i miss him so very much...when i heard his voice he sounded so far away and it killed me...my heart is aching but i know it will heal...its just going to take some time...but im lucky to have so many wonderful friends around me that care and want to hear my woes...if i didnt have them i would be lost. Im lucky and i know i am...alot of ppl have nobody at all...i have sum really great ppl in my life....and im thankful that i met greg...i was truly happy and not alot of ppl have the chance to feel that...so yet again im lucky :)

ok time to start cleaning and laundry....hen is coming over today!!!!!! YAAAAAY my best friend my beloved my bt my henna/henrietta/henessse :) :) :) xoxoxo

February 7th 9:11am
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here i sit anticipating greg's arrival. No he didnt come here last nite like we both had planned...and he didnt leave last nite (thursday) like he originally planned as well...he is leaving today. So he is "swinging" by here to get his stuff. Im sure he'll be here all of 10 mins...20 if im lucky. So the hopes of spending some quality time together is pretty much out the window. Its just after 9am and im dressed,hair fixed (somewhat) and got muh face on (make-up)...im usually sleeping at this point any other day lol but he called and woke me bout 30mins ago. So i jumped up and got dressed and tried to get cute. Choosing my outfit was hard as hell...i wanted to wear a ballroom gown er sumthin LOL yanno leave a good impression? lol but i went with a v-neck sweater and khaki style pants. I have an ache in the pit of my stomach...i feel like i cant breath normally...like i have to sigh in order to catch a full breathe..and im fighting back tears as we speak. I keep telling myself DONT cry when u say goodbye to him.....keep it together just dont cry. But wouldnt anyone cry if they were saying goodbye forever to the person they love? A part of me wants to get mad with him for not calling last nite like he said he would...i guess it would be easier if he left with us kinda angry with eachother.....but im not going to do that...i just want him to hold me.....UGH i gotta stop im having a hard time holding back the tears now so its time to stop writing. I could go on and on forever but i cant do that. ::sigh::

im going to pull myself together and wait for him. I want the butterflies in my tummy to go away :(

February 6th 4:08am
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i was hoping the nite would get better but it took a turn for the worse.....my meatloaf sucked....i pitched it...and then things got even more worse....

im sittin here wearin greg's necklace that he forgot here over the weekend...i keep pulling it up to my nose and i can smell him on it and its driving me crazy...once i start smelling it i cant stop. So i was inna mood all day...and part of it was gregory of course lol so he called me today and i didnt answer....then he called back and i didnt answer....i just wasnt in the mood to talk....he left a msg so i chk'd it and he said it was important and needed to talk for me to call him back so i did....and he told me he was fired today and is leaving thursday nite for cali YES tomorrow nite instead of 2 weeks from now as previously planned...i was a bit shocked but i was ok....well not really but i said i was...we hung up and he called me a lil later and we talked summore then that was it...i wanted him to come over tonite but he had stuff to do....i suppose its for the best that he didnt come over tonite but i wanted him to anyway...so he'll coming by tomorrow to get his necklace WHICH I WANT TO KEEP lol and a dvd he left over here and thats it.....no more greg. He will finally be out of my hair. I wont have to fight him to see me anymore...i wont have to wonder what garden city slut he's seeing tonight...i wont have to think that im never going to be enuff for him...b/c he's going home to actual life and girlfriend instead of being here and living his pretend life and wasting time with me. In a few weeks/months/years none of this will even matter. He'll be just a memory to me and wont even matter to me....well thats bullshit he will always matter to me...but one day i wont love him like i do. Since he came back into my life a couple weeks ago everything has seemed a little crazy. Maybe a lil dream like...sumwut hazy n cloudy like if it werent really happening...but it did. Im thankful for the time i had with him b/c i was happy even if it was only for a very short time. I know theres someone out there for me and no matter how much it hurts to say...that person really isnt greg. He's back with his ex already and it bothers the hell out of me...but i really want him to be happy and i know he cant be with me. So when you love something you let it go? I have no choice but to let him go and i hope that my feelings for him will go as well. I dont want to feel this way. Do you think i want to care about someone so deeply only to have them not feel the same in return? It hurts like hell and i hate myself for it. Im just...im being stupid here I know he cares about me, there was a time when i truly thought he didnt care about me at all that i didnt matter to him, but now i know that he does care and he does love me...im just feeling sorry for myself. He's said that if he were staying we'd be together. Ya know whats wierd? Im not sure whats worse...having him not care about me or having him care about me too and saying that if he were staying here we'd be together but he's leaving and ill probably never see him again, IF i do see him again things wont be the same...UGH...in a few months none of this will even matter. ::crosses fingers::

well i guess im gonna go to bed or at least lay down and relax xoxoxo