Beware the Terrifying  Doppelgangers!

If you see Morrissey in the street stop him and bind him fast with strong twine.  Heaven knows his impersonations of me are miserable, and just for the record: I'm not celibate, I never have been celibate and this temporary dry spell will end soon.  It has to.  It just has to.  I'm not a monk.

Jim's fame is due in no small part to his Hamish imitations.  The similarities between the two are well documented by Hamish's friends and family.  But has Hamish ever seen a cent of the royalties?  No.  Has Hamish ever had the chance to date Lauren Holly?  No.  A satchel of brass razoos to the one who brings me Carrey in a big net.

So- Hamish has singing lessons, Chris Isaak has to have singing lessons.  Hamish learns piano, all of a sudden Chris Isaak has the urge to learn guitar.  Is Hamish's paranoia unfounded or is Chris Isaak's crooning little more than a jealous attempt to capitalise on their similar appearances and love of melodic surfing riffs?  Approach Isaak with poison darts and let the serum do it's work.

Shaggy is like the evil one in "Single White Female".  Having a talking, mystery-solving dog was Hamish's idea first but as usual Shaggy stole it, then screwed it up by becoming the dog's side-kick.  Oh Shaggy... You're the reason I'll never brush my hair forward like a Beatle (or a Monkee), the reason I'll never try to grow a goatee-beard. And just because I wear the same clothes in every one of my "life-episodes" doesn't mean you have to as well.  Come on Shaggy!  Do something about your posture!

Well I'm glad I could help out in the renaissance of 80s electronica.  I do what I can... or at least the guy in the band who STOLE MY FACE seems to be quite happy to be doing all he can to capitalise on the resemblance.  But is he happy?  With his wealth, the adulation, the successful career in the music industry using?  When he looks at my face in the mornings: naked, human, vulnerable, is he really happy?  In all probability yes. "I want his face...off!" - Nicholas Cage, Face/Off.

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