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| Cancer You taste great with a squeeze of lemon and a glass of white wine. Use it to your advantage in life, love and as a side-dish to half a dozen premium oysters. You'll discover it's much easier to approach problems side-ways than it is head-on. |
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| Gemini (Holden) You'll be faced with a choice this week: so whatever you do, don't settle for the nearest offer: you'll stop feeling used and start feeling new again. Help a little old lady out, go to church once a week. |
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| Ov / aries The Stork is in the ascension and will arrive soon. Expect big changes in your diet and lifestyle very soon. Remember: a swell head is one thing but swollen feet are quite another. Say goodbye to sleep and to embrace insomnia! |
| Leo This week you'll drown in an epic boating accident at your local video rental store. Your destiny is inescapable and try as you may, your demise will be unavoidable. Then press rewind, come back to life and draw Kate Winslet without her clothes on all over again. |
| Pisces Sometimes you'll feel out of your depth, but don't panic; do what you always do in times of stress: puff your chest out defiantly at those who would try an deflate you. Be as big, prickly and poisonous as you want to be. |
| Aquarius If anyone can think of a picture for this one please email me your idea at: macintyre_h@yahoo.com. It shouldn't be too hard, all the better if there's a pun as lame as the ones I've used on this page so far. Ta. |
| Taurus You're a mad cow. Pick yourself up, dust yourself of and get back into the China Shop. Raise hell. |
| Virgo / Virgil Sometimes it seems life is out of your control. Take some time to consider who's really pulling the strings. Accost them with a pair of scissors and attain your personal liberty. You deserve more! |
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| Scorpio/n Breeding season will soon be here, sweep your pectines over the ground surface to help locate a suitable place to deposit your spermatophore, a rock or a stick should suffice. |
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| Sagittarius Serious things will happen to you this week. Things that can't be summed up with a silly picture and a trite explanation on a horoscopes web-page. |
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| Other People's Horoscopes |
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| Tropic of Capricorn on the cob Why not get a sentimental soft-focus sepia coloured picture taken of you and a loved one running towards each other in a field of tulips? How about rescuing a kitten from a tree? How about buying Laura Ashley furniture? What if you wore linen pants rolled up at the cuffs and walked along the beach holding hands and dancing in the waning light of sunset. If it sounds corny, that's you this week. Hire a Robert Redford movie and just keep on cornin'. |
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| Libra |