If Men Ruled The World . . .
    (courtesy of Uncle Phatz)

  • Birth control would come in ale or lager.

  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

  • It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.

  • Garbage would take itself out.

  • Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

  • Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

  • "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

  • Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

  • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

  • Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

  • When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
    Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
    You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
    Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

  • The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

  • Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

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