The first part of hailing a coke can is preparation. There was once a person (a blonde male) who questioned the Holy Coke Can's decision to call this step 'Step 1'. "For," he said, "it isn't really the first step. 'Tis the preparation for the first step, which should follow, you fool." This man tried to say something else, but he died mysteriously, when a rather large Cello ("Pianos", commented the coke can, "are out of fashion for falling on the heads of others") fell from a thousand feet and landed on his rather blonde head.

Anyways, onto the preperation. This is simple. What you must do, is:

1. Shave thine head
2. Stop eating for 3 weeks
3. Shave off thine eyebrows
4. Cut off thine ears
5. Have a close friend give you a lobodomy, so you lose the part of your brain that allows you to smile
6. Cut off thine hands and feet, and learn to stand perfectly like this
7. Stick a foreign object up thine nostril for the space of 5 months, so it looks mis-shaped
8. Seal up thine other nostril with cement or a similar product, so you only have one
9. (males only) Have a close and rather heavy friend stand on thine testicles until you can't focus thine eyes any longer
10. (males only) Have a close friend pay a rather large, smelly, fat and well hung man called "Bubba" rape you as you walk through a dark alley, so you look rather shocked, disturbed and shaken, and you can't manage to put thine legs together
11. (females only) Have a close friend hit thine head with a stick until you can no longer focus, and you have a permanent "shocked" and rather "shaken" expression on thine face.
12. (females only) Have a rather large and well hung man perform the act of sexual intercourse to you rather violently until you lose the ability to close thine legs.
13. Destroy all birthmarks by the act of plastic surgery, and have thine fingerprints removed to make you look identical to everyone else.

You should now look like this: