Well, guess this is my next installment of my life's ramblings. I was thinking about replacing the old page with this one, but I decided to leave it in. That way, people can refer back to the previous one. As if you really cared.

Anyway, guess you're all glued to the monitor, once again awaiting my words o' wisdom. So here goes...

I guess my life has kinda... ummm... plateaued, I guess the word is. I mean, I already went through my depression phase. Which means, I'm no longer depressed. Which is good, cuz I've been depressed for too long. I jes decided not too long ago that depression was getting me no where, so I stopped. Funny, that was kinda easy. But it still didn't do anything. Now, I jes don't care anymore. I've gotten pretty indifferent about life. Not to say that there aren't any perks. No... I'm writing this on my brand new computer. I've been playing around with my sharpened katana and my two steel fans. I've got enough money for a couple trips up to the snow this winter. That will be fun. But, really, in the long run, what use is it all?

I read this somewhere. I'm probabaly screwing up the quotation, but it goes somewhat like this: "Lonely because you're useless; useless because you're lonely." I guess this kinda rang true in my case. I've done a lot of thinking about it. Really, what use am I? I don't mean "What's the meaning of life?" or one of those great existentialist, philisophical question, but the more plain spoken, simple, direct, and personal, "What use am I?" It's kinda annoying. I can think of quite a few things that I can do, but nothing that I excel at. Nothing that I can really do. So what does that mean? Well, it's that old feeling that everyone gets every once in a long while. What skill can I contribute to the world?

Nothing.

What special talent can I contribute?

Nothing.

What is there left for me?!?

Nothing.

That's what my life has amounted to. No... not quite nothing. Waste. I see no special skill that I can contribute that thousands of people already have in abundance. What's one dim spark in the midst of a supernova? So, seeing as I have nothing to contribute, everything that I have has been a waste. The education, money, food, clothing, emotional bonds, smiles, frowns... every one of these wasted on me. What have I to give back? Screw giving back to the world. I can't even give back to my friends and family. And I hate that.

Which brings me back to the quotation above. Lonely cuz I'm useless. That's the one thing in my life that I can see as worth giving back. Love. I love my family. I love my friends. But when I look back, what effect has my friendship actually had on anyone? A shoulder to cry on? A fellow hand in the darkness? A fellow wanderer upon the road of mysteries? Yet, all these times, my friends pulled through on their own strength. I was there merely as someone to whom they could share their troubles. I was their wishing well. They sat by my side, spoke for a while, wished their troubles away, then continued on with their lives, while I sat quietly. The few times I had dispensed advice, it had turned out to be disastrously wrong. Fortunately, no one's really followed my advice before, so no harm done.

Have you ever seen It's A Wonderful Life? When the angel comes down to George Bailey and shows him what life would have been like had he not lived? Sometimes, I've felt that the angel would have made a disastrous mistake with me, had he done that. Lonely cuz you're useless.

Useless cuz you're lonely. It's true. The one thing that I have to give that is worthwhile: True Love. It's not unique, I know. But it will be to one person. Useless cuz you're lonely. Useless until I find the perfect girl. Then I'll have something of worth to give. But I've discussed this before, haven't I? It's so hard to meet someone you can really like. I thought I had met the perfect girl before, but I guess I was wrong. So, life goes on. I guess it really depends. Is there truly one girl out there for everyone? Or maybe there are several possible matches, and it jes depends upon who fits you best? Are we fated to meet these matches? Or maybe we jes drift, and loves meet by chance. Or, possible, we live in a chaotic society where love is merely the ability "forget" or explain away another person's flaws. (Email me and tell me what you think. Maybe if I can get enough emails, I'll post them.)

Ah, well... time drifts on, and the little Death still awaits me this night. I bid my audience a silent night, dreams of the impossible made possible, and a restful repose. Adieu.