Satan, The Devil, Norman Wisdom, Starbucks.
The Lord of Darkness has many names and many mansions, and much wickedness can be hidden under a layer of foundation and a pair of big earrings.
It is no coincidence that The Museum of Instruments of Human Torture in Amsterdam contains not only the complete Steps catalogue, but all of the albums of Canadian songstress Celine Dion.

The AC/DC (The Anti Celine Dion Coalition) have been collecting evidence for years which suggests that Celine's success is due mainly to the intervention of demonic forces, feeding on and transforming the musical taste of the world. The effects show themselves in varying forms, although a secret band of scientists have identified one medical condition which they call Celinia Dionitis. Many sad, lonely and yes, tasteless people have succumbed to this plague and are now suffering the full effects of this tragic illness.
CD, as it is known in medical circles, is a terrible disease. It robs people of their sense of judgment, their sanity, and always and sometimes fatally, their taste in music. We here at the Homeworld, however, can offer hope, and together we can fight against this modern day evil.
Amongst their other very important activities, AC/DC run a deprogramming service in which victims of CD are forced to confront their appalling taste in music and are slowly weaned away from 'The Devil's Tonsils'

THE FACTS:

'Celine Dion' is an anagram of 'Decelinion', the ancient book of evil which predicts the coming of the Anti-Cher: 'Like a banshee out of Gaul she will come. Beware the siren, whose voice will sink titanic ships and herald the death of song.'

When the album "Dion Chante Plamondon" is played backwards, the words 'Satan is my best mate. Drown all babies in a vat of marmite.' can be clearly heard in French during the trumpet solo on Track 7.

The most mysterious aspect of Celine's life is her obsession with elephant dung. Members of AC/DC have documented many instances of the international star harvesting elephant ordure for use in what many believe are Satanic Rituals. At first, these bizarre acts of acquisition were performed clandestinely. The songstress was alleged to have broken into many zoos and circuses in the dead of night with a binbag, returning dishevelled and often 'with straw in her hair', carrying a full load.
In recent years however, she has abandoned secrecy and has been regularly spotted following circus parades in provincial towns with a sack and a small spade.

She has six fingers on each hand, and toes instead of thumbs.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM DEMONIC EVIL?

If faced with the prospect of a Celine performance - even if only on the radio - just say 'No'. Carry ear-plugs with you at all times. CD victims are notoriously keen to spread this pernicious mental affliction and will often attempt to force Celine on others, as when, for instance, an innocent soul may be trapped as a passenger in a car driven by a rabid sufferer. Confront your tempter, and in a firm voice say 'I will not succumb to Satan's warblings.'
Join one of your local branches of AC/DC. Most branches hold monthly Celine album-burning Open Evenings where their aims and policies are explained.
An International Organisation, "MUCOW" (Mutual Unified Celine Online Watch) has recently been established to co-ordinate global efforts to monitor the Anti-Cher's activities and stop her evil wailing wherever we can. Join up now!
Do not be dragged in by the myth that this is 'just music'. Satan, as we all know 'has all the best tunes'. Fortunately for us, all the best singers seem to belong to someone else.
Lobby your local representative to have Celine's music banned. Explain in your letter or e-mail that the Canadian singer is a demon in human form, sent to Earth to give misery to the Human Race and thereafter to bring about the destruction of the Planet. You'll be surprised at how often government officials are receptive to common sense and hard evidence.

 

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