Twenty Years of Glory - Where are the missing trophies?

Halliburton celebrate twenty years of football mediocrity this year. With only one trophy to show for all their endeavours one has to ask where has it all gone wrong? A biased and corrupt refereeing policy against Halliburton would have to be on the scale of Watergate to be maintained for 20 years, but I for one would not discount this. However, despite the occasional sustained run of victories, perhaps other, more viable reasons can be attributed for the lack of success: -

i) The inability of some of our older players to adjust to the laceless ball.

ii) The inability of some of our younger players (in the early days) to drink with the likes of George Sang, Frank (there’s a party at my house) Gardiner and Richard (tricky Dickie) Allan.

iii) The inability of some of our players.

iv) The inability of the manager to spike the oranges at half time so as to avoid second half withdrawal symptoms.

v) The inability of our youth policy (poorly specified at under 40 years).

DNA test shock

Stuart Potts Shaw was in for a shock as it was announced there would be DNA testing this year in Meigle after the town announced a record 5 pregnancies in one year (2 were sheep). Potts was unconcerned by the new testing policy, "I've never taken DNA I just stick to the usual drugs" he claimed.

Anoraks come out!

Halliburton’s now annual quiz night threw up a few surprises this year. Mark Michie with the aid of some BT colleagues came with a team of ‘quizzies’ to scoop the bottle of spirits each for their £5 entry fee. However their team name Audrey Hepburn in recognition of their penchant for cross dressing caught everyone by surprise. We just felt it was time to come out the team revealed.

Halliburton to form Sporting Club

Halliburton are to form a sporting club along the lines of Newcastle United it was revealed today. Club owner Mr. Doug Stephen has been in talks with new club sponsor Mr. Stephen Taylor about financing the project. We see the first step as acquiring the new Bastille building and turning it into an indoor stadium with a football pitch on the roof. Our passing would have to improve considerably from last season however Mr. Stephen said, "otherwise money generated would probably be lost, due to losing balls over the edge of the building." The second step would be to establish links with the motor racing world. We would eventually like to get into Formula 1, however banger racing would seem more cost effective at this stage especially since we already have several cars available including Craig Wood’s Astra and Ploughman’s Rover.

JSHFC Honours

Miss of the season -

Jason Keith

Penalty miss of the season - Mark Michie

Best contribution to overall incompetence - Paul Andrews

(for goal kick against the wind which failed to reach edge of 18 yard box, incidentally he made a phenomenal save from the striker who volleyed this goal kick inside the 6 yard box! the referee however had already blown for the kick to be retaken)

Runner up - Craig Wood

( for free kicks less than 2 feet above ground level)

Who’s the bastard in the black award -

Marlow to retire:- Official.

Stuart Marlow, the clubs longest serving player and manager is to take early retirement from his work at 55. "I would still hope to be playing football for Halliburton for some years after that however" Marlow revealed. Marlow who has made some 7000 appearances for the club a world record (he counts each of the 3 a side games at training as a cap). However the wear and tear on his limbs is taking it's toll and these days Marlow is a frequent visitor to the massage parlour to relieve his throbbing.

Bosman Ruling

In the wake of the Jean-Marc Bosman ruling at the European Court of Justice, manager Marlow is facing up to the prospect of greatly increasing player benefits. "You have to move with the times" claimed Marlow, "obviously it has been increasingly difficult to fund salaries from season ticket sales and rental of corporate boxes. However we now have an additional sponsor who provides us with sandwiches and thus every player has an additional few pounds to spend on drink. In addition our conversion of a Torry bus shelter into a pitch side hospitality suite should be complete for the start of next season and should generate much needed revenue."

European Tour Cancelled

Halliburton’s tour of Europe has been cancelled this year after a plea from the English F.A. They had feared poor attendances with the attraction of JSHFC playing in some high profile European games. Already penciled in were Paris Le Piat D’or. Remy Martin Monaco and several other drink related teams. However the mayor of Paris has expressed his reservations about the cancellation and may take the case to the European Court of Justice. We saw this as an ideal way of reducing Europe’s currently overflowing wine lake. Jobs and the continuity of our wine industry have to take priority over football, claimed the mayor.

Fiddes "my annus horribilus"

Last years joint top scorer has had a season to forget. Fiddes could not manage a score on or off the pitch in the first half of the 95-96 season. I couldn’t do a thing right claimed Fiddes "even with it right in front of me I would shoot wide or get too nervous and miss altogether". I am seeing a psychologist now and she has helped me a lot though she’s not too keen on me playing football as she says it saps my strength".

Ploughman’s guilt

Reformed bad boy Derek (Baby face) Ploughman has turned to God and joined a religious cult after a life of sin and corruption. Ploughman admitted fixing last years Player of the Year vote. "The fact that no one voted for me this year is no more than I deserved" claimed the reformed man. He also confessed to having deliberately ‘taken out’ Mark Michie in last seasons defeat against no hopers Crown and Anchor." I was got to by Kenny Mair," Ploughman revealed "he offered free Taxi rides for a year if I ensured that Halliburton lost the game, I would never do such a thing now" claimed Ploughman "in fact I intend walking to Jerusalem with a cross nailed to my back to repent for my sins. I also have ideas to improve the team’s performance next year" Ploughman revealed, these include meditation "to put us on a higher plane before the game and chanting to focus the mind, I suggest Hari, Hari-Hari, Hari- Hari, Hari Kristna" he commented.

Personal

Young virile man (slightly balding) seeks companion any age (or newly dead and still warm) for long walks, theatre, dining out and kinky sex. Photograph preferred (open crotch if possible) enjoyment guaranteed.

P.A. PO box 32

P.A. reserves the right to send on photographs to readers wife's and associated publications.

Bjorn with goat beard (from Sweden) seeks soul mate for evenings of fun and filming. Previous experience is not required but punctuality essential (must be able to come on time)

Bjorn P.O. box 31

Tall, slim, ginger haired man wants petrol tokens, jam jars or lemonade bottles. Like minded female for nights in (own big slipper preferred)

P.O. box 30

Halliburton are to launch a series of videos to raise funds for the club, titles include:

1.Simme the pass - Craig Robertson caught passing the ball on video a must for fellow players!

2. Mark Michie's hill: - how 6' 4" Mark Michie was beaten to a header inside his own box by a dwarf with a gammie leg, I fell down a hill claimed Michie ( Our home pitch is at Aultons not Ben Nevis incidentally).

3. The last Tango at Aultons - Paul "Tango" Andrews dancing round the box and waving to the ball as it bends it's way into the net with the assistance of the wind from hell.

4. Jason It'll be alright on the night - as he proceeds to miss an open goal from three yards (actually he missed the ball too!)

5.Mark Michie's - Leave the penalties to me I never miss - Possibly the worst penalty ever taken, had it been hit in a straight line it would have probably reached the goal line (more or less) however the trajectory was akin to a cruise missile - low and heading out to sea.

Brechin’s move falls through

Club captain Andy Brechin’s move to Hong Kong Rangers has fallen through after the player failed to agree personal terms. Believing he was going out to become the new Tai Pan it transpired they had merely offered him a club tie pin. "I am not at all dismayed" claimed Brechin "I will stay and fight for my place even if it means cutting off my ponytail and growing a goattie beard."

Wood brothers to wed

After a near sickening display of brotherly love last year in Meigle (admittedly alcohol inspired) It will come as no surprise to those who witnessed it that the Wood brothers are to wed (each other). He’s just the most wonderful person ever claimed Craig, Mark could not be traced to comment on the story, though his fiancée was said to be distraught with shame.

Beattie in operation shock.

Hospital doctors received a shock after fluid was drained from club Centre forward Steve Beattie’s knee. Fluid was sent to the lab for analysis and came back with a detailed compositional breakdown. Dr. Kelly the examining specialist said this fluid can only be described as Smirnoff blue label. Beattie now recovering from the op. asked for the sample to be returned to him for recycling.

Weather Forecast

Brought to you by Jack Scott Equipment

A deep depression will centre around Meigle with the arrival of JSHFC on Friday night. During the course of the evening however a high is certain to ensue before a deep depression sets in around closing time. Saturday will see a gradual return to the highs of Friday night before a deep depression arrives first thing Sunday. Things are expected to slowly recover on Sunday before returning to more normal conditions on Monday.