tommy_liners

Tommy Cooper's One liners

So I rang up the local swimming baths, and said,' Is this the local swimming baths?'. And the man said,'It depends where your calling from'.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, 'Who's speaking please?'. And a voice said,' You are'.

So I went down to my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream.
He said hundreds and thousands?, I said we'll start with one.
He said ' Knickerbocker glory?', I said ' I do get a certain about of freedom in these trousers, yes'

You know, someone actually complimented me on my driving today, they left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'!!!, So that was nice.

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty, and covered with cobwebs.......but she's good with the kids.

I slept like a log last night, I woke up in a fireplace.

I'm on a whiskey diet, I've lost 3 days already.

I went to the dentist, he said my teeth are fine, and my gums will have to come out.

Here are a few one liners out of hundreds that I have picked, I think these one's are the best and I hope you think so too.

I've always been unlucky, I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber, he walked into a bank, and said,' Stick 'em up. Are they up?'

I backed this horse at twenty to one- It came in at half past four. It was so late it had to tiptoe back to the stables.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-cha-chu. But I think its Colin.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow, I woke up this morning and the pillow had gone.