Yes, the best striker that England has to offer, which is why we haven't won anything for 34+ years, Alan Shearer. Winner of The World's Most Boring Footballer for his entire career, scorer of over 300 career goals, top scorer in Euro '96 and the British transfer record at £15m. Now, time to call in Reality Police once again.

Alan Shearer is shit. That's all there is to it. Out of the 300-odd goals he's scored, they all seem to be from within 8 yards of the goal (headers from corners a specialty), the penalty spot, or the odd free kick. This really makes him special. Yet that is the quality everyone says is his best. Translation, drop a ball at his feet within 8 yards of the goal with only the keeper to beat, and it'll go in. Sort of like Division 3 strikers, then?

The thing with '8 Yards' is that whenever he does get them in, his following celebration is more akin to a brilliant piece of solo skill before slotting it in calmly, rather than a pinpoint cross and hitting it very hard. The only time he can claim solo brilliance is when it's from the spot, since he usually wins them in the first place at a convenient rate-ie, when the tabloids are on his back for being useless. Same with free kicks, although other players take them now, since they can actually curl the ball rather than hit it hard and in a generally straight line-which is more likely to just injure the defensive wall rather than go in.

When he was at Southampton he was constantly slamming in goals, since Matt Le Tissier was laying them on a plate and there was little else to aim for, unless Le Tissier was in spectacular mood. Spectacular meaning with skill, and from outside the area, even using angles. Wow!

Then a British Record Fee (£6m, hardly worth writing home about compared to Italy or Spain, even at that time) took him to Blackburn, where he scored more goals, since the ball was aimed at him or Chris Sutton, in the days he could score goals, believe it or not. There was one minor flaw, in Europe or for England, he couldn't score in a brothel. Yet was constantly picked, especially after they won the title. So, for 13 months, he scored none, whereas even Darren Anderton managed to net 5, despite being injured most of the time, and being a right winger. So along rolled Euro '96, where he suddenly found his touch again, thanks to a deflection off the OUTSIDE of the post, against mighty Switzerland. A header against Scotland (corner, what else), and a double against Holland (penalty, tap in with the keeper elsewhere) took them into the next round, where he failed to score against Spain (who had a perfectly good goal ruled out), before a corner header against Germany after 5 minutes, before they went on to equalise within 10 minutes, and won via penalty shoot out-3 guesses who got one of England's in the shoot-out.

Then Kevin Keegan signed him to Newcastle for a then World Record £15m fee, mostly since that was his style, look good in the papers, have a goal hanger to score everything, fail miserably. Well, Cole went to MUPLC, and Ferdinand went off the boil, which cost them the title, so another striker was needed. Not a defence of any kind, clearly.

And a lot of penalties, free kicks, but not many yards, followed suit. Keegan, in his usual wisdom, made him captain, which Glenn Hoddle also decided. Not wise, he only thinks of himself, not the other 10 on the pitch with him, which is why they failed once more, but managed to finish second somehow after being useless under Keegan, so Daglish turned them around and an easy run in fluked it for them.

The next season he was out for most of it injured, but still scored a few goals. Penalties, mostly, or against lesser opposition in the FA Cup (Stevenage and Shefield United), before they died on their asses in the final. So he made the World Cup squad as captain (why?), and scored a header against Tunisia and a penalty (after Michael Owen's wonder-dive) against Argentina. And still wasn't suspended in his career.

The next season, however, that changed. The new King of English Football was Michael Owen, and suddenly a lot more bookings for blatant fouls (such as his Maradona impression against Argentina) were added to his CV. And he started moaning about Kenny Daglish, who was promptly sacked as coach, to be replaced with Ruud Gullit. And still it was mostly penalties for Shearer, and another sacrifice at Wembley. By now he had received his first ever suspension, and taken to getting booked for dissent since moaning at the ref was the only way he would get attention.

Last season, his first sending off (about friggin' time) and Gullit realising he was a relic of long-ball football, not his vision of Newcastle being interesting, led to another bout of whinging and no goals whatsoever, barring a hat-trick against Luxembourg-pen, tap in, one halfway decent finish. After losing to Sunderland and having Shearer on the bench (they were winning until he was introduced to the impossible to understand wishes of the baying Geordies), so he gets sacked. Who came in? Another relic of long-ball English football, Bobby Robson. He promptly scored 5 against Sheffield Wednesday-2 penalties, a corner, 12 yards combined for the other 2 against the cannon fodder of the Premiership.

He went on to score 30 overall last season, yet 7 were against Wednesday, and other cannon fodder conceeded a lot to him as well, rather than quality teams, who he had no chance of getting near the goal unless from 12 yards.

So he announces his retirement after Euro 2000, since after that, Keegan will be fired, and no-one else will be dumb enough to let him captain the side, and there are plenty of younger, more gifted (well, for England) strikers waiting, whilst Shearer hasn't scored in 6 internationals, including Malta-he missed a good opportunity because it wasn't straight on, as well as use The Trusty Elbow to take out the Maltese captain-another career trademark. What of these other talented strikers we have, that clearly deserve a chance? Keegan is also the only manager who thinks that the main thing is to fill the heads of players with 'team spirit', rather than 'tactics', so don't expet a feast of goals from him this summer, since it's reputation for scoring hat-tricks against lesser teams that gets him his totals every season. Or England in the Second Round, since Germany, Portugal and Romania are not lesser teams.

Let's recap. Portugal gave us a sporting head start then walked the next 70 minutes to win, Shearer fell into the ball for the undeserved win over Germany mostly due to Carsten Janker's apparent reluctance to score against English teams once more, then a penalty that counted for nothing in the end, since Romania went through. The problem with being right is people think you're arroagnt...