Best International Newcomer: Macy Gray (or Marge Simpson) won it, beating Eminem (decent artist, not new), Semisonic (who?), Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears (*commence gaggging*). Great choices there, and in no ways obvious. Eminem shoulda won on principal (he writes his own songs, but isn't new as said before), so the award goes to...VAST.

Best International Group: TLC won against Mercury Rev(?), The Cardigans (euch!), Red Hot Chili Peppers and Beastie Boys. Quick recount please, yes, Beastie Boys walk it. Hang on, WHAT am I saying, Nine Inch Nails.

Macy Gray also won Best International Female, which at least kept Whitney Houston off the stage for 5 minutes, as well as Mary J. Blige, Britney (again) an Ms. Lopez. Since I can't think of anyone better and I quite liked Genie In A Bottle, Christina Aguilera it is, then.

Best International Male went to Beck. No complaints, apart from I'd rather it was Eminem (who was nominated). Hey, didn't go to Will Smith or Ricky bleedin' Martin, but feel for Moby.

Best Soundtrack-Notting Hill. Shit, Ronan 'Annoying Irish Bastard Son of a Goat Rapist' Keating got his foot in the door. Fight Club was nominated, you morons!!!

Best British Video-the ego of Robbie Williams picked up that one. No more to say, he's just an overly inflated egotistical pile of talentless, irritating, thinks he's all that Jello.

Best British dance Act-The Chemical Brothers. There aren't any others apart from The Prodigy, but they didn't release anything last year so it was a foregone conclusion.

Best Selling British Live Act-Steps. Steps?!? OH THE HUMANITY!!! They were allowed to pick up an award to prove that the British Public can't be trusted down the local HMV?!? Or is this just being "ironic"? Then again, when did they last play live anyway? And interviews with them don't show any signs of life, when you think about it.

Best British Pop Act-5ive. Not even worth it, that one.

Best British Newcomer-S Club 7. This is starting to get REALLY BAD, man. Make the British music industry look like a complete shambles why don't you? I mean, S Club 7, what in the name of Buddha were they thinking? The competition was not much better. Ever heard of Rico you dumb bastards? Oh, of course they haven't, dumb question.

Added insult, Robbie Williams wins best British Single. Un-United Kingdom (Pitchshifter) or Attack Me (Rico) both spring to mind along with ever more frequent murderous urges.

Tom Jones wins Best British Male. Better than RW-but that shows the originality of the British music scene. Bowie was nominated for Jah's sake! Still, Beth Orton returned some sanity to preceedings getting Best British Female over 2 friggin' Spice Girls and Gabrielle. Miracles do happen...

Stand corrected-Travis is apparently the best band we can produce, better than Blur, Gomez, Stereophonics and Texas. At least the Moronic Shit Preachers didn't get nominated. BTW, Pitchshifter-originality is NOT a disability (contrary to some of PSI's own lyrics). More insult added when they got Best British Album. Sanctuary Medicines, Rico was the only ORIGINAL and non BORING one that came out last year-hmm?

And the Outstanding Contribution to British Music gong went to..oh what the fuck...The Spice Girls. You have got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!??!

As a result of my faith in Britain being diminished even more than usual in the space of 3 hours hosted by Davina McCall, I now wish to be known as Dejan Ivica Rakovic, live in Belgrade and assume Serbian citizenship. Far less atrocities against humanity have occurred there over the last few years...