Now the history of Chelsea reads as follows. For years all they were noted for was having a fanbase of neanderthals that masqueraded as hooligans that made the Millwall stereotype look like nominees for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Then Glenn Hoddle took over as manager and turned the club around. Yes, they were now an overly-average mid-table team that would never win anything, still had the worst fans in Europe, and were knocked out of the League Cup on an annual basis by the likes of Stoke over 2 legs. Their major triumph was reaching the 1994 FA Cup Final, where they promptly died 4-0, handing a Double over to Those Assholes From The Wrong Side of the Pennines.
Then in 1996 Hoddle got the England job (how has never been explained), and for some strange reason no-one wanted to take over at the healm of the club. So Ken Bates, in all his wisdom, elected Ruud Gullit from Player They Bought Last Summer Who Was Useless to manager.
Now, since Ken Bates is seen (rightly) as a loudmouth dickhead who owns Chelsea because no-one else wants/is dumb enough to, he had to appease the fans due to the fact they had invented fire on his Rolls.
So the 96-97 season started with a manager with NO experience or qualifications in the dugout (now, try this in Italy, like david Platt did), and in desperation, money was being thrown at him to take attention away from this fact, and the manager was seen by millions using the phrase "Sexy football" during Euro '96. And how to succeed? Buy a load of players from Serie A who were never going to play due to players of a far superior quality being in their places, as well as the fact they were in or around the 30 Zone.
And that Janurary, they pulled off a coup with Gianfranco Zola, who was never going to play for Parma since Crespo and Chiesa were doing a far better job, scoring goals, and not moaning when the facts were spelled out to them. This fact was missed out upon (same as when Vialli and Di Matteo joined in the summer from Juventus and Lazio respectivly), and they went on to win the FA Cup that season, despite their path being easy, and a blatant dive to get past Leicester in the earlier rounds. Their opponents in the final were relegated Middlesbrough, for Jah's sake.
Then they went on into the next season with an air of optimism, and more foreigners joining the team than the gulags Jack Straw set up for refugees.
However, that season, Gullit got fired for wanting too much money to do his job, so Gianluca Vialli was elevated to be coach, deja vu returning from before. However, winning the Cup Winner's Cup despite a lack of any form of opposition, Vicenza were about the best the competition had to offer, and gave them a few scares, which says a lot.
And with all their quality players, how many made it to the World Cup that summer? Di Matteo and LeBoeuf made it to the benches of Italy and France respectivly, Petrescu and Le Saux started for Romania and England. Zola wasn't picked for Italy, something to do with the choices of Christian Vieri, Alessandro Del Piero, Filippo Inzaghi, Enrico Chiesa (him again) and Roberto Baggio being infinatly better and not playing long ball tactics against Grimsby in any way shape of form, but this was seen as a travesty by the British Media.
After France won (despite LeBoeuf playing at the back due to Laurent Blanc's suspension, not tactical genius), Tore Andre Flo joined and never started (still doesn't), Marcelle Desailly couldn't get a game for Milan (and they won Lo Scudetto after 2 seasons of being terrible afterwards), whilst Pierluigi Casiraghi was never going to get into the Lazio strike force with Vieri and Marcello Salas joining that summer. He also never played for Chelsea, although he was on the pitch. Catch the drift? Oh, alright then, HE WAS CRAP. One goal into an open net against Liverpool causing Phil Babb to lose thoughts of having children for a few weeks.
That season saw them slip into the "Champion's" League, so they could compete with the Big Boys of Europe at long last. They didn't do a very good job last time, knocked out in the semis of the last ever Cup Winner's Cup by Real Mallorca-Lazio winning it. So much for the predictions that Chelsea/Lazio was the obvious final.
Now, the season we just had saw them pay £10m for Chris Sutton (huh, English?) to score the 20+ goal a season they need (Flo, anyone?), and he promptly failed miserably. They also fielded an entire starting XI of foreign-based players for the first time in Premiership history, so if you want to confuse a Chelsea fan, say the phrase 'youth system'. And of course, neanderthals and glory hunters joined hands at Stamford Bridge waiting for success. If only they held their breath, as they would all have suffocated by now. Not even the signing of George Weah could salvage anything from the season.
With a 3-1 first leg lead over Barcelona in their Quarter Final, they went to the Nou Camp for the second leg and lost 5-1, dumped out the Worthington Cup early, and never started in the League. With the FA Cup final in 2 weeks, all hopes are with Villa to make it a clean sweep.
~Minor Update Time~
OK, that didn't happen, but since the FA Cup is seen as a lesser trophy for Chel$ea and the likes, it isn't an achievement. And also means that they can't win the league with a squad of Serie A rejects no matter how big it is. And they won't be getting any quality players from Italy in a while, since most were wiped out in the Nike ad. This probably delayed the exodus for at least 6 months. They'll be in trouble by 2005 unless they sort it oout, or admit they're useless and only have good fortune on their side a little too often. Especially around the penalty area.
And as for Gullit's tactical genius? After getting the boot by Ken Bates, he joined Newcastle and spent them into debt, and lost the FA Cup final that year to give Assholes part 2 of The Treble (shouldn't have been there-if we had any other referee but Durkin in the Semi, they would have had several sendings off and conceeded THAT penalty), and got fired at the start of this season for not gaining a single point. He was right to treat Shearer like shit, though.
And I didn't meantion Dennis Wise once...