Little Miss Bossy uncovered

Yes, you waited a week for this. . . .

12 January 2001

Yes, work's been pretty stressful and yes, I got into little tiffs with two of my friends on Thursday. But it's Friday night, work's over and those fights those have been resolved. Yet, I still feel really hurt.  

Lately it feels like I'm being stripped down and all my flaws are glaring at me.  

Like my bossy thing.  I've always known I could be a bit  'do it this way.'  But in my eyes, it was more of a maternal thing. Like, I just know stuff about stuff, and I feel like I'm just sharing my knowledge. Or no one else takes the plate, so I do. (Which to some extent, I think's true.) Evidently, other people aren't seeing it this way.  Even if it's something I just say - not intending it to be an order or boss - I'm seeing it as such in the other person's eyes.

I'm cringing at almost everything I say, and even the things I don't say, just think, I flinch. 

Now thoughts like - Am I really a mean person?  Do people really think I'm a bully? - are tumbling about in my head.

I told my "Little Miss Bossy" story at work the other day because a co-worker had a Little Miss Happy book on her desk.  (When I was about five, my best friend's mom gave me the book "Little Miss Bossy" because she felt like I told Julie what to do too much.) Another co-worker busts out with, "Yeah, I can see you being a big bully when you were a kid."

I was jaw-dropped. I barely know this guy, and he'd already made this assessment about me?! I'll admit I was pretty bossy as a kid, (hence the whole Lavender Ladies era), but I certainly didn't think I still was. And certainly not to any extent that a casual acquaintance could tell.

I was wrong.

I feel like I'm being laid open and someone's editing me. Red ink runs rampant on my soul.  

And while this is a "good thing," it's quite painful.

No one likes to see their flaws.  See through their own eyes how they hurt people they love.

As much as I put zero stock into astrology, I am the typical Cancerian in many respects.

I've got the whole cold, hard outer shell with soft, vulnerable insides going on.  I'm brilliant at not showing my real feelings.  I just come across as stoic and brutally uncaring. And I know that gets me into trouble, a lot, because the other person just thinks I'm a big bitch and don't care about their feelings, etc.

I don't know.

But I do know I'm seeing things about myself I've never really fully noticed before and quite frankly, it sucks. And it's hard. And it makes me sad.

I guess the challenge now is turning this newly-edited version into something worth reading.