from the IP (Imaginary Press) Newswire --
WASHINGTON - President Bush today finally recognized the three
Baltic states of Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. Sources within
the White House indicate that the President also got California,
Texas, Florida and New York, but is having a little difficulty
telling Vermont and New Hampshire apart.
Vice President J. Danforth Quayle, however, continues to remain
stuck at Hawaii and Alaska.
--
Gorbachov and Yeltsin are in a meeting, trying to decide how they can
get the economy moving. An aide comes in and says "Mr. Gorbachov, Mr. Bush
is on the line and says he can get you $30 Million that you don't have to
pay back". Delighted, Gorbachov rushes to the phone and says "Hello, Neil?"
--
Barbara Bush told People magazine that she can't make a decent
piecrust (but doesn't care), that she loves "America's Funniest
Home Videos," and that she watched one episode of "The Simpsons,"
but didn't understand it.
"It was the dumbest thing I had ever seen," she said, "but it's
a family thing, and I guess it's clean."
--
Gorbachev's handicap is that he too long tried to placate both the
democratic reformists and the party hardliners.
Bush's handicap is a 38.
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"Read my lips, no new taxes" - George Bush 11/88
(We'll just raise the old ones)
"There is no recession" - George Bush 5/91, 10/91
(We're redefining the word 'recession')
"The recession is over" - George Bush 11/91
(It's almost election year)
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Last week's anti-Bush protest in Portland, Oregon got violent.
As the police beat and arrested the protesters, people
yelled:
"Bad cop! No donut!"
---
The headlines of the ``Gannett Suburban'' (Westchester, NY) Sunday edition:
``I'd rather die than withdraw,'' quoting Judge Clarence Thomas.
Wasn't it this kind of statement that got him in trouble to begin with?
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(
geocities.com/hanson_c)