EXCERPT FROM THE "OFFICIAL GREEK HANDBOOK"
CHAPTER 1: HOW TO BE A COOL GREEK (oh panayia mou !!)
1. Wear clothes of two colors: black or white.
2. Own a cell phone and use it at inappropriate times- in church, restaurant,
funeral, wedding, date.
3. Refer to anyone who's not Greek disparagingly as "xeni" and pity them for
not being as cultured and sophisticated as the Greeks.
4. Have predominantly Greek friends, with a few token "xeni" thrown in for
diversity. Talk Greek when the "xeni" are around.
5. Dress as though you are headed for a club when you're actually going to
work or to class.
6. If you are a Greek woman, stare menacingly at other women around you,
especially if they're richer or more attractive than you.
7. If you are a Greek guy, be sure not to bathe to achieve an "earthy" scent,
then try to mask it with a lot of cologne; the combination drives the
babes wild.
8. Smoke as if it were your last day on earth...and smoke only Marlboros.
9. Travel only in droves of 10 or more & be as loud as possible at all times.
10. If you're single, go to all Greek intercollegiate parties and all GOYA
conferences, even if you're 45 years old.
11. If you're a single Greek over 30, tell everyone you're in your 20s even if
you're pushing 50.
12. If you're a single Greek guy, tell women you're a "successful businessman"
or that you "own a successful business back in Greece" even if you're an
unemployed goat farmer.
13. Dirty dance to Greek folk music.
14. Wear only "designer" labels-even if you buy them off a cart on a sidewalk
in Manhattan.
15. Make sure "designer" labels are extremely visible, preferably embroided
on the front of the apparel.
16. If you are a Greek guy, walk 10 feet in front of your woman and call her
only when you want sex. Then go into a deep depression and lament the
"theft" of your woman when she dumps you for another guy.
17. If you're a Greek guy, be indifferent and rude to any woman you're
interested in dating, especially if she's Greek.
18. If you're a Greek guy, date "xenes" that treat you badly but
marry a Greek woman you can treat badly.
19. If you're a Greek woman, date "xeni" you can treat badly but marry
a Greek guy that treats you badly.
20. Wear a leather jacket at ALL times...even in the summer.
21. Tell American aquaintances that money is never an object, even if you
only have ten bucks to your name.
22. Guys: if you have hair, get it cut every week and use at least 3
different styling products; if you're bald, develop a big ego to mask
your insecurity. (Applicable to short men also.)
23. Make sure you install every possible option in your car, even if your car
is a Yugo.
24. Own a sports car, even if its juke.
25. Claim to be a devout Orthodox Christian but know nothing about the
religion other than the date of your nameday.
26. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
27. If you are a Greek woman, dye your hair an obviously fake shade of blonde
that is nonexistent in nature and swear that it's natural.
28. If you are a Greek-American, act like your father was royalty back
in Greece but fell into hard times after the 1973 coup.
29. Pump Greek music in the 'hood'
(
geocities.com/hanson_c)