alt.humor.best-of-usenet (moderated) #8124
From: Alexander Prestin 
Date: Fri Oct 03 14:18:43 MDT 1997

Subject: Bad Times Virus: time to cry
From: rhawkins@iastate.edu (Rick Hawkins)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.ibm.pc.hardware.chips

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail
virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any
disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your
milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards,
reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR
and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.


It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix
antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave
its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with
your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will
give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo
with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current
boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to
your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is
the power of Badtimes. It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things
we hold most dear.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat
up and leave the hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,
it will refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is
dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

------

Article 2819 of cu.cs.grads:


Subject: New computer viruses

  Beware of the following new computer viruses...

   Adam and Eve Virus -- Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

     Federal Bureaucrat Virus -- Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
      little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of
      which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

   Dan Quayle Virus -- Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe
      just can't figyour out watt.

   Gallup Poll Virus -- Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38%
      of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 margin
      of error)

   Paul Revere Virus -- Revolutionary virus doesn't horse around.  It
      warns you of impending hard disk attack once if by LAM, twice if
      by C.

   Politically Correct Virus -- Never calls itself a "virus" but instead
      refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

   Right to Life Virus -- Won't allow you to delete a file regardless of
      how old it is.  If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to
      first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

   Ross Perot Virus -- Activates every component in your system just before
      the whole thing quits.

   Mario Cuomo Virus -- It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

   Oprah Winfry Virus -- Your 200 megabyte hard drive suddenly shrinks
      to 80 MB, then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

   AT&T Virus -- Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're
      getting.

   MCI Virus -- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too
      much for the AT&T Virus.

   Ted Turner Virus -- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

   Arnold Schwarzennegger Virus -- Terminates and stays resident.  It'll
      be back.

   Government Economist Virus -- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
      software says everything is fine.

   New World Order Virus -- Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
      really mad just thinking it's fine.

   Terry Randle Virus -- Ye;;s "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
      "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

   Texas Virus -- Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

    Congressional Virus I -- The computer locks up, screen splits
      erratically, altering a message appearing on each half blaming
      the other side for the problem.

   Congressional Virus II -- Runs every program on the hard drive
      simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

   Airline Virus -- You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

   Freudian Virus -- Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
      own motherboard.

   PBS Virus -- Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

   Elvis Virus -- Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self
      destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
      across rural America.

   Ollie North Virus -- Turns your printer into a document shredder.

   Sears Virus -- Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
      power supply, and a set of shocks.

   Jimmy Hoffa Virus -- Nobody can find it.

   Kevorkian Virus -- Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

   Imelda Marcos Virus -- Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up,
      and then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all
      on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

   Star Trek Virus -- Invades your system in places where no virus has
      gone before.

   Health Care Virus -- Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
      and sends you a bill for $4,500.

----------
-~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~-
| Cathleen Wharton                | University of Colorado at Boulder |
| cwharton@cs.Colorado.EDU        | Department of Computer Science    |
| Phone: (303)492-7514 Fax: x2844 | Campus Box 430 ; Boulder CO 80309 |

-----

rec.humor.funny (moderated) #5189
From: sj@aracnet.com (Scott Johnson)
Subject: Virus warning 
Date: Fri Oct 24 01:20:02 MDT 1997

VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!!

Dear Internet user,

It seems that the destructive minds who like to invent computer viruses have
struck again.  A new virus, popularly known as INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0, has
been propogating the Net for several weeks now.  MILLIONS of computers have
been infected by this insidious virus (mostly PCs, and a few Macintoshes as
well.)  This virus is one of the MOST DANGEROUS yet unleashed on the computing
public!

INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 is known to have the following horrible effects on
infected computers:

  *     It WASTES an incredible amount of HARD DISK SPACE, space which could
        otherwise be used for productive applications

  *     It causes the infected computer's performance to be DRASTICALLY 
        REDUCED--Pentium machines which are stricken are known to slow down
        to the speed of a 486

  *     It surreptitiously MODIFIES the underlying operating system, causing
        the CORE FUNCTIONALITY of the instrument to change RADICALLY

  *     It, through the use of Trojan-like ALTERATIONS to the core Java
        APIs, may cause Java applets to MALFUNCTION.  These effects are so
        SEVERE that the designers of Java, Sun Microsystems, are taking LEGAL
        ACTION against the inventors of this terrible virus

  *     It, once installed, is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE for the average user to
        remove from the system

  *     It is known to create SECURITY HOLES, which can allow unknown users
        to DELETE or DESTROY files on your hard drive

  *     It is known to cause many popular and reliable Internet browsers, 
        such as NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR and NETSCAPE COMMUNICATOR, to not function 
        correctly

  *     It is even known to infect NEWLY PURCHASED computers coming from
        repuatable manufacturers like COMPAQ and DELL.  These companies have
        so far been POWERLESS to prevent this virus from being installed on
        the computers they sell. 

  *     It is known to be UNDETECTABLE by most virus-checking software
        packages


The good news is that the JUSTICE DEPARTMENT is currently investigating the
rogue hackers who CONCOCTED this destructive virus.  They have been traced to 
a Seattle suburb, and may face fines of ONE MILLION DOLLARS PER DAY for the
pernicious manner in which this virus is being distributed.  The bad news is
that millions of computers have ALREADY BEEN INFECTED.  The inventors of this
virus even have the gall to gleefully BOAST about this terrible fact on their 
web site!

Here's what YOU can do:  

1)      If you see a website with the "Internet Explorer" logo, do **NOT**
        click on the logo.  This can cause this virus to be DOWNLOADED and
        INSTALLED on your system!

2)      If your computer is ALREADY INFECTED, and it's a Windows-based PC,
        call the technical support hotline at Microsoft (the company which
        wrote Windows), and ask them for instructions on how to DISABLE and
        REMOVE this virus.  They should have instructions to do so.

I apologize for the URGENT TONE of this message, but only if we WORK TOGETHER
can the spread of the dreaded INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 virus be slowed or
stopped.

    Source: geocities.com/hanson_c/haha

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