The Oscar Wilde Sketch: From Monty Python's "All The Words" Vol.II
Superimposed Caption: 'London 1895'
Superimposed Caption: 'The Residence of Mr Oscar Wilde'
Suitable classy music starts. Mix through to Wilde's drawing room. A crowd of
suitably dressed folk are engaged in typically brilliant conversation, laughing
affectedly and drinking champagne.
PRINCE OF WALES: My congratulations, Wilde. Your latest play is a great succes
s. The whole of London is talking about you.
OSCAR: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is NOT being talked about.
(There follows 15 seconds of restrained and sycophantic laughter)
PRINCE: Very very witty...very VERY witty.
WHISTLER: There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that
is NOT being witty.
(15 more seconds of the same)
OSCAR: I wish I had said that.
WHISTLER: You will, Oscar, you will. (more laughter)
OSCAR: Your Majesty, have you met James McNeil Whistler?
PRINCE: Yes, we've played squash together.
OSCAR: There is only one thing in the world worse than playing squash together,
and that is playing it by yourself. (silence) I wish I hadn't said that.
WHISTLER: You did, Oscar, you did. (A little laughter)
PRINCE: I've got to get back up the palace.
OSCAR: Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.
PRINCE: I beg you pardon?
OSCAR: Um...It was one of Whistler's.
WHISTLER: I never said that.
OSCAR: You did, James, you did.
(The Prince of Wales stares expectantly at Whistler)
WHISTLER: ...Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um,
your arrival gives us pleasure...and your departure only makes us hungry for
more. (laughter) Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.
PRINCE: What?
WHISTLER: It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.
OSCAR: It sodding was not! It was Shaw!
SHAW: I...I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold
when all around is dark.
PRINCE(Accepting the compliment): Oh.
OSCAR(to Whistler): Right. (to Prince) Your Majesty is like a dose of clap.
Before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.
PRINCE: WHAT?
WHISTLER and OSCAR: One of Shaw's, one of Shaw's.
SHAW: You bastards. Um...what I meant, Your Majesty, what I meant...
OSCAR: We've got him, Jim.
WHISTLER: Come on, Shaw-y.
OSCAR: Come on, Shaw-y.
SHAW: I merely meant...
OSCAR: Come on, Shaw-y.
WHISTLER: Let's have a bit of wit, then, man.
SHAW:(blows a raspberry. The Prince shakes Shaw's hand. Laughter all around.)
Well, that's about it. That was a bit of fun, wasn't it?
Although, to those of you who have seen the episode, doesn't Whistler
say "Before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong." He doe
s, he does. Well, this is the way it was written. Oh, well.
Brian Eckley
Penn State
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