Music Humor
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad,
but I could've done better".
Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.
Last February we were in LA and happened to catch Frank Gambale at Le Cafe.
Frank was trying to introduce the next tune and drummer Tom Brectlein (sp?)
was doing the usual "annoying drummer" thing, which was to test his sticks to
make sure they were still evoking sounds from the skins.
In mid-sentence, Frank breaks off and turns around with a "Will you stop!?"
Back to the audience, he says, "Alright, he asked for it. How do you know
when there's a drummer at the door?" Blank looks. "The knocking speeds up."
Tom, not to take this silently, responded with, "What do you call two
guitarists playing in unison? ... Counterpoint."
So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches is everlasting
reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with
this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist
named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up
with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this
good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's
a girl singer."
What's the difference between a locksmith and a banjo player?
a locksmith gets _paid_ to change keys...
What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both **** up bowings.
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 chellist who hates all violinists.
Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.
Q: What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
If you're driving down the street and you see a violist and a conductor
walking by, which one do you hit first?
The conductor: business before pleasure.
How is playing viola like peeing in a dark suit?
It gives you a warm feeling, but no one notices, and no one really cares.
(
geocities.com/hanson_c)