_____________________________________________

SOME DETAILS ABOUT ME:

I am born in a family with my parents, two elder sisters and a younger brother.

I think I'm a very pessimistic person and I've not been happy since childhood. I was always bullied by my classmates from primary school until junior college. Maybe I was too quiet, but I hate it, luckily it's over now. I guess I am always having difficulty dealing with people. Though I receive a high education level, my language still sucks, no wonder I cannot find a job since my graduation in mid 2002 till now.

I'm not happy at home. My family members are always at cold war with one another over slightest matters. Believe it or not, I have not been talking with my brother for more than 15 years!! Besides, I cannot understand why my parents always make wrong decision like moving house and my dad kept getting summons from traffic police in a very unfair way when other car owners can escape from it! Is it because poorer people should be targeted? I don't know, perhaps so....

2002 was a very unhappy year to me. One of my closest relatives passed away and my mum got contact with a high-sugar illness. My eldest sister had been retrented every time in her previous jobs. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH.......

Luckily, in 2003-04, my sis got a contract job. My contract job will be ending by end of Sept 2004. As for my future path, I'll leave fate to decide.

Got to stop those naggings before you get bored. Anyway, I guess no one is very interested with my stupid life either.

Jah!

Regards, Naraku-sama (Southpark)

1st Febuary 2003 (revised: 10th April 2004)

________________________________________________

SUMMARY OF MY CURRENT SITUATION:

________________________________________________

2Oth July 2003

I'm so amazed by the long delay I took to update this site. Maybe my love for Inuyasha is reaching the end. My life continues to act like hell, but I'm finding myself lacking the motivation to continue on. Based on my poor financial situation and terrible computer condition, I may still update other fanfics, but not as frequent as in the past. As for 'Obsession and Love', I might have to stop until I regain my interest in continuing it. Gomen ne sai.

____________________________________________________

28th June 2003

I feel emptiness, can hardly think how I can think of a story plot and it's frightening me. Is my life going to be drained of innovative? I hope this will not come true.....

____________________________________________________

14th June 2003

Have you ever encounter a situation when you can no longer trust anyone in an environment?

There are so many sides of stories that I do not know if I can believe in. When someone treats you well, it does not mean that he/she is really concern for you. Who knows if that very same person is the one who stabs you at the back?

Life in real society is getting so frightening.

Will there ever be a time when I can wake up from this neverending dream?

____________________________________________________

4th June 2003

Two more staffs from my previous department has quited due to some conflicts with my present department. I'm too exhausted to bother about those stupid office politics. If I were to be sacked one day, then let it be. I'll hunt for other jobs. If I'm lucky enough to stay onto it, I'll try and grab till end of 2006 when my study loan is repaid. Hope my financial problem can be resolved soon since I've activated my loan from this coming July onwards... I'll keep my fingers closed, grr.......

___________________________________________________

27th May 2003

Dinner... Company dinner....

It unnerves me, it really do.

I remember my industrial attachment, my previous job in that stupid company... My career there always end with dinner. The last dinner? I wonder if I will be having a great feast before the end of my life.

Not in prison I hope.

___________________________________________________

19th May 2003

I hate it, everyone is mocking around me, laughing at my stupidity and my poor self control. I can't help it, I am more ruled by my heart than mind. People always think they are always right and I'm always the one making mistakes. I hate to do things to please people. I'm so tired of living. Need to see my current situation. Maybe I'll get sack before the year ends. I feel like torturing someone.

Poor Inuyasha in my fanfiction, he's always the one being raped especially when I feel down from work and home.

___________________________________________________

16th May 2003

Things seemed to get more and more serious. Another staff has resigned coz of the unfair threatment from our boss. I too, have been looked down in the office and I do not have a stable task yet. Worse still, I was told not to return to office tomorrow although it is my shift becoz they could not think of anything for me to do. This is so frightening. It seems to give me an indirect message that I might be sacked anytime. I am so scared now. What am I going to do? My instalment period for loan repayment is going to start soon. I am lost.

___________________________________________________

6th May 2003

How does office politics result?

It's caused by roots of human distrust, misunderstanding, insensitiveness to other people's circumstances and unfairness to different staffs. I am tired of all these divisions and my working environment. I'm not learning anything practical AT ALL!!! If the economy, coupled with my poor results and talking skills, I'd have look for a better job elsewhere.

So far, I've met at least 4 people, some my old classmates and others either a boyfriend of my previous project mate or friends from my previous school organisations. It's so embarassing to let them know what I've been doing. Though its nothing illegal, it's somehow embarrassing that while many of my friends are having high positioned jobs, I'm sticking to low-position occupations for students. Too tired, I've worked for eight consecutive days for students checking out of hostel. Thoughout these days, I have to sit like an idoit assisting students to book inspection of rooms. After this week, I'll have to ponder my next job tasks.

Insecurity is the word I can describe my current job. I'm not sure what I will be doing there and whether I can still continuing to work in this organisation in the next 2 years. I can only watch as I step out each step......

___________________________________________________

25th April 2003

Dark..... Darkness.......

Ever since I was born in this world, I'm dumb, stupid and damn slow in talking technique, memorising things and learning things. In short, I-am-good-for-nothing. My collaegues were scolded by the clients due to my stupid mistakes again in these few weeks. Being a stupid and insensitive living fool, I did not catch my supervisor's warning and committed the same old mistakes again. He must be terribly regreting for employing me in the first place. This is a final warning from him today. Guess it's a matter of time if I get sacked again. No excuses for me this time. If there's  an obvious retrenchment record in my resume, my future's going to be as dark as hell.

I still have a lot of financial problems unsolved yet. I am really, really tired. If life's going to go on like this, I think I will be better off dead. I am so exhausted. I don't feel any reason to live in this world. This morning, I met my old classmate from my tertary institute, she looked so cheerful, she must have a good career now.

I really can't take this anymore, I want a release. I hate myself. I am always so coward, stupid and dumb. My mind's full of darkness. I can't stand people happier than me. I'm always jealous of my friends and people around me. I'm so tired. Why didn't my mum just let me die when I was born weak and dying? I would not have to suffer in this world if I had just die when I got myself knock down by vehicles 2 times when I went to school one or two years ago. I am only wasting food resource when I live in this world. I do not know how to make friends and go happy like what many people can do. I feel so much alone in this world. Why can't I just die? Why must I exist in this stupid world?

I can only feel darkness.... darkness in me........

___________________________________________________

10th April 2003

It's already the 4th day of my new job. I have to get up 5am every morning and take an almost two hour bus to the institute. After work at 6pm, my journey time increases from 2 to 2 and a half hours due to peak hour jam, causing me to reach home 8.30pm, hungry and tired. Can hardly meet my old friends and surf Internet, not to mention check emails and update my site.

Sigh! But better than jobless.

My previous educational institute has changed so much that I hardly recognised it, especially the canteen. Anyway, it's great to see my old school again though there's no one there who can really recognise me. I do not dare to see my teachers unless I have some achievements in my career. Perhaps, three to four years down the road.

___________________________________________________

6th April 2003

Today, my family and I went to visit my grandparents and my late uncle (who died last year) as well as my late aunt's graves at around 9:30am and reached home at 3pm. Suffered from serious PMS yesterday again (screaming and crying at my poor parents), luckily they talked to me again. Sigh! It rained cats and dogs at 4pm, good thing we had reached home by then or we'll definitely get soaked wet.

Tomorrow, I'll have to go to the new company's head office for some matters and then off to my working site probably by bus or taxi. My relative said it was a big company. Dunno how good I can survive there, but at least my working site is located in my last graduating institute. I'll definitely feel much at ease there than anywhere else despite long travelling hours.

Hope this will be the end of my fallen days....

____________________________________________________

2nd April 2003

Do not know why. I've just got a job offered in a respectable company on an initial contract ending this year. Although I've been assured that it is a high chance for renewal, I'm, somehow, still apprehensive. Is this PMS or bad omen? I'm not too sure. The pay's good, much better than the stupid company where I've worked previously. Hopefully, my bad feeling is just a normal PMS (since my menstration's coming round the corner ***deep growl***).

I sincerely hope so, at least I'm guranteed with a job for 9 months, better than nothing, right?

____________________________________________________

20th March 2003

I got myself sacked from that stupid small company. I took two days leave within a month to go for interviews and that stupid old boss woman got mad and sacked me. Well, I don't mind because I've had had enough of her and her stupid secretary. So what if she's rich?? She's treating everyone like a dog!! I can't stand it anymore, even till the last day I went to the office to confirm with my salary matter, she got her staffs to restrict me from entering the office rooms. Hope she'll get bankrupt and her properties serious loss before the end of this year!!!!

Now that I'm jobless again, wonder if I can get a job before June. I doubt I can get one within this month. Well, I guess I'll help my dad in his electrician and plumber sole proprietor business, that'll be better than lazing at home doing nothing.

____________________________________________________

7th March 2003

Hiya, it's me again. Just some nagging as usual. The prime minister in my country said that the economy will only recover 2 to 3 years later. I've just left my temp position and I'm now trying on in a small company that is somehow related to my field,  dunno whether it will keep me till economy recovers plus paying me at the end of each month or not. Also, I don't know how to converse well and end up getting a lot of scoldings and naggings from my boss, my life sucks! SIGH! Thinking about my debts, I guess I should have been better with lower education level.

Hope USA won't attack Iraq, or the economy's gonna worsen more.... sniff!

____________________________________________________

1st February 2003

In the meantime, I am doing a temporary job in a Japanese Company by hourly basis and I had to work long hours. So don't blame me if my site and fanfic take a long time to update because I need to spend hours working and travelling from my working place to/back my new house.