He still had feelings for her. That was enough in itself to give her pause for thought. Audrey had said it, but she hadn’t really believed it; after all he was living with his new girlfriend. Not that he had told her that, she’d avoided all contact except meeting once to hand him the divorce papers, but there wasn’t much that you couldn’t find out with a level eight security clearance.

Seeing him here, sober, doing his job as well as he used to, it had shocked her. Some cynical part of her hadn’t expected that she would have to meet him again until his funeral, which with the way he was going, she hadn’t expected to be very long. She had been keeping some tabs on him, not very closely, but just making sure he was ok. She wasn’t sure why, it just seemed like one of those things that she ought to do. But to all accounts, he’d cut her out of his life, she wouldn’t even be surprised if his girlfriend was one of the reasons he’d spent nights at a time away even.

That had been the main reason for her leaving, the drunkenness was almost something she could cope with, even something that she had become used to, but the nights on end when she’d come back to an empty house was just too much. She’d spent far too many nights alone in that house, with him in prison, blaming herself for everything. She’d been haunted by his absence, by the silence, seeing pictures of her husband tortured in prison interspersed with the agony of those she had failed to save in the hotel from that same day.

With him back, she had expected life to be back to normal, better, she had expected that she could be happy. Instead, he drank himself stupid when he was around her, and spent as much time as he could away from her. To her, it was his way of telling her that she was right, that she was the cause of all of this, that he regretted letting her live with the amount that it had cost him. She hadn’t blamed him for the affairs that he had undoubtedly been having, she deserved some form of punishment. But it was the silence she couldn’t handle, coming home to an empty house filled with his things but not him. Knowing that he was free, but was choosing to be away from her, tormented her more than she could admit.

So, very understandably, she hadn’t believed Audrey in the slightest when she had told her that he still had feelings for her. He hated her, that much had been painfully obvious. But speaking to him today, seeing him here, competent and lucid, she could see that he did, could see every detail in his head in a way that she hadn’t been able to when he came out of prison.

She had a job to do, of course, and nothing was going to get in the way of that. Today was big, if she did well today, promotion wasn’t very far away, she was already the youngest of the people who occupied similar positions to her, and today was a test of sorts. Even her feelings for Tony wouldn’t get in the way, work was the foremost thing on her mind.
 

At least, she wished it were. But as always, he was continuously there, dominating her thoughts. An anger at seeing him here had been what she felt when she first saw him. How dare he be here, interfering with her life. At first she’d wanted him gone, but she had come to see how useful he was, how useful he had always been. That at least hadn’t been lost. And now, there was more than that, a hope was surging inside of her, something she hadn’t felt in a very long time. Maybe Tony had finally forgiven her.

Professionalism overrode anything she may want to do about this hope, and even if it didn’t, she wouldn’t have been able to approach him, too much pain. But even so, he lingered most annoyingly in her thoughts. She just desperately wanted for this to be over so that she could go home and sort her thoughts out, and then maybe even get back in touch with him. No, definitely get back in touch with him, if for nothing else, because she missed him dearly, talking to him, being near him, even his sense of humor that had spent years winding her up.

She could see him now, from this office, the office that used to be his, down at a workstation were for so many years he had been able to see her. She was tempted to phone him, in the same way that he had done her, the few feet distance between them insignificant and yet somehow insurmountable. But she didn’t, he had a job to do, just like they all did. Her eyes were currently scanning a document marked urgent, her mind taking it in, even as her concentration was elsewhere.

As it was, she needn’t have worried, seeing her again had upset Tony’s balance as much as Michelle’s, being equally fragile. So whilst he busily worked away to stop this threat, his mind was on her. But his willpower wasn’t as great as hers, having not been exercised at all recently. Alcohol had become a crutch for him, and with it, things had been seen in a different light. His mind was able to see only the easiest way, something that prison had built into him. That had come as part of the package, along with an inability to trust, a distance from everyone, and a sense of desperation that accompanied everything he did.

So saying no to his urge to speak to Michelle, his urge to hold her, it was just more than he was able to control. Seeing her like this had shattered his infinitely fragile hold on sanity. Here she was, strong, in control, seemingly unfazed by his presence. And here he was, an unshaven wreck who’d crawled out of his pit to help a friend, but who would rather have stayed at home on the couch, the effort it required being more than he wanted to give.

And he needed to talk to her, to say something other than the meaningless words he had thus far been able to muster. He wanted her in his arms again, to smell her hair, even with straight hair it was irresistible. He could see pain in her stance, and he wanted to take it away. It was all he had ever wanted to do, although he knew he was the cause of that pain more than anything else that had happened.

And so wandering into her office had been easy, just let his feet take him where he needed to go. They knew the way, this had once been his office, and it was easier than fighting back against them. Words spilled just as easily, although his voice was hesitant, barely even a whisper. “Michelle…”

She knew he was there, heard her name spill from his mouth. But she couldn’t deal with it; not and keep doing what was required to keep this place running. She excused herself from her phone conversation, which was far too important to put off, but she needed to clear her mind of him more than she needed to do anything else.
 

“What is it Tony?” A meaningless question, she could see in his eyes why he was here.

He stared at her, unsure of how to answer. Thus far, his mind had just been dragged here by his body, and now he wasn’t exactly sure what to say.

“I just wanted to apologize Michelle. I just need to tell you…” How beautiful you are, how much I love you. Neither would come, just a long silence.

“Tony, I’m sorry too. And we do need to talk about this, about us. But I can’t talk about this now.” She couldn’t even look at him, how the hell could she explain what she felt, and all the while a national crisis was taking place.

“Michelle…” Soft, demanding her attention, calling her eyes to his, even as they fought to get away. “You’re right.” She was of course, but he couldn’t leave it at that. “But we need to talk about this. About…” Us” was the word he was looking for, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. There was no “us”. She had divorced him, made it clear that he disgusted her. He couldn’t even fathom why he was here, talking about this, when he knew perfectly well that his being there, breathing her air, was absolutely repulsive to her.

Michelle watched her ex-husband turn, leave, heard him mutter something unintelligible. She saw a pain, and this time, unlike six months ago, she saw that there was perhaps an answer. She wasn’t going to let him pull away from her, not again. She hated being alone, and she missed him so much it was taking over her life, controlling her actions, even her thoughts. So much time went into not thinking about him, into not doing things that reminded her of him, not dressing in ways that he would like. She needed him, and she missed him, and if she had a chance to get him back, she was going to jump at it.

“About us. We need to talk about us. Not now, we can’t. We’ve got work to do. But we do need to talk.” And then the unthinkable. “I miss you.”
 

His eyes light up, hers follow suit. “Tomorrow?” His voice is still filled with pain as he asks her this, but she can detect a slither of hope.
 

“That would be good.” A smile, the smile that he had loved. The smile that she hadn’t smiled for six months. Then back to work. Don’t give him too much, what if he hadn’t changed.
 

“Good.” He sees the change in her, and sees that its time to leave. But one last thing calls him back. “I miss you too.”

Shared smiles, eyes truly smiling for the first time in ages. Work calls them both back to reality, but they are focused. They have something to work for. Hope brings them to tomorrow, a chance, one that they both desperately want.