Is this really fair?
I don't know what to do. I mean, the news just shocked me.
So, I was sitting with my friend one day, she and I playing with our dolls (which I was not enjoying, by the way), and the next day, I was an orphan.
What do you think about that? Unfair?
Yes, it is very unfair.
What? How did it happen?
It's simple. I'll explain.
Let's go back to the summer of...let me think a minute...1899. You remember that year, don't you? That summer was so hot and dry, you could fry an egg on the sidewalk. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.
Well, I had gone over to visit my best friend at the time, Emily Higgans. Actually, she was one of the only people that wasn't really afraid of me. I was small for my age, but everyone in my school knew I was tough. Maybe I was too tough. I don't know. I don't really care either, really. So I was at Emily's house when the doorbell rang. It wasn't that late in the evening, and it wasn't even dark, so I guess it didn't seem like anything strange was going on.
Emily's mom was the nicest woman I had ever met in my whole ten years living. I feel rude for saying it, but I guess I even liked her more then my own mom or dad. Mrs. Higgans would always bake cookies for Emily and I. She just made me feel warm inside, like a freshly baked bag of roasted chestnuts smack dab in the center of winter. I was special there, which I was certainly not at home.
At home, I was an object, a thing, and a problem even! My parents would ship me off to schools and have nannies take care of me. Even then, I was mostly left alone with not one person in the world. I remember so well the day, though, when I became really alone. I was then just another face in the street that no one in the world would care about ever again. For I, Amanda Louise Miller, became an orphan.
When that doorbell rang at Emily's house, I knew something had to be wrong. No one comes to visit you during the dinner hour unless there is a problem. We weren't exactly eating at the time; Mrs. Higgans and her helper were still making our dinner, but it was still dinnertime for most people. Thinking nothing in the world would ever go wrong for me, I thought the doorbell problems were about the Higgans family.
Sure enough, I was wrong.
The door was opened by Mrs. Higgans, and a policeman in a dark blue, stern looking uniform took off his hat and peered carefully, as if not to be seen or heard, inside the doorway.
"Es'cuse me, might there be a Miss Amanda Miller stayin' here fo' da' night?" the policeman asked, so quietly that his voice was almost a whisper.
"Why, yes. There is." Mrs. Higgans replied, rather cautiously.
"Migh' I be able to speak wit' you in private?" said the policeman. This time, he spoke even quieter than before.
"Surely," Mrs. Higgans said respectfully, and she quickly led the sorry looking policeman into the parlor, where she closed the dark wooden sliding doors.
Emily and I waited. We had stopped playing by then and wouldn't take our eyes off those two large sliding wooden doors. Perhaps they were glued to the door. Even if I tried with all my might to pull my eyes away, they just stayed put, staring. And that was when I realized the problem was truly all about me. And it was not a problem I could do anything about.
The uneasy tenseness began.
We waited. Emily and I waited. We waited for what seemed like hours. We were unable to move, speak, or react to anything around us. We were frozen as if we had been thrown out of our homes in the dead of winter, and were forced to stay out in the bone chilling cold for days.
And then the door opened and nothing could have prepared me for that moment. Mrs. Higgans walked a few steps out of the parlor and breathed deeply. With one deep breath, she broke the silence. Even though she was talking in almost a whisper, it seemed as though she were yelling.
"Amanda, darling, will you please," she coughed, "come into the parlor for a moment?"
I looked around the room, hoping that there was some alternative to going into that horrible room. The room I would never go into again, as long as I would live. I turned to Emily, with the deep look of sorrow and worry in her eyes. There was no alternative. I had to go.
"Yes ma'am." I said this so softly that I could hardly hear myself. I stood up very cautiously and slowly, as if I was moving in slow motion. I walked over to the parlor door and look to see the policeman looking very sorrowful. He looked as if I were some poor little bunny, homeless and abandoned. He was holding his police hat in his hands, squishing it so that his hands were touching, with one overlapping the other.
"'Ello there. Amanda, righ'?" He held out his hand, "I'm offica' Smith." I shook his hand.
"Amanda, honey, Officer Smith has some, well, bad news to tell you." Mrs. Higgans looked down as she said this. I then turned and looked back at Officer Smith.
"Well, now, Amanda, um…there was this, er…fir' at your house." He swallowed. "Well, and, er…you' parents wer', um, injured. Well, they wer' mor' then just, er, injured. T-t-they w-w-wer' er…"
"What officer Smith is trying to say, dear, is that…well…your parents were killed in the fire." Mrs. Higgans burst into tears and turned away from me. She walked swiftly over to the tan, overstuffed chair by the window, and sat down so that her arm was over the chair and her head was embedded in it.
I was in pure shock. A fire? How likely was that? I mean, I fire, at our house, right when I wasn't there. "How did it happen?" I asked Officer Smith.
"Well, now." Officer Smith scratched his head, "Someone se' it on fir' I guess. We're no' shur' who, but we will find 'em." He said this reassuringly. Mrs. Higgans pulled her head up from the chair and walked over to me with her head down. When she reached me, she pulled her head up, as though it was the heaviest thing she had ever lifted.
"Amanda, dear, you are welcome to stay with us until we find who you're going to stay with. You may stay in the spare bedroom, or with Emily. Whichever one you think will be more comfortable for you." Mrs. Higgans said this quickly, without any hesitation in her voice.
"All right," was all I could say. I didn't know how to react to this, being as I had never had to deal with anything like this before. All I could do was stand. My knees were locked, and my arms just wouldn't move. Suddenly, with no warning, my knees gave out and my arms could move once more. I fell onto the floor, with my arms just stopping me from hitting my head on the floor. I burst into tears as if my eyes were turned into a waterfall, and nothing could keep them from just flowing. Mrs. Higgans walked over to me and sat down beside me. She put her arm around my small shoulders reassuringly.
"It'll be all right, Amanda. It'll be okay. Shhhhhhh," Mrs. Higgans said over and over again, as though it might help. But it didn't. No. It was not all right and it was not okay, and the worst part was, there was nothing anyone could do to help, and there was nothing I could have done. I was alone, even with the crowds outside the house, even with Officer Smith and Mrs. Higgans with me in the parlor, and even with my best friend sitting right outside the door. I was truly alone at the point, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Time passed. Not very much, however. I stayed with the Higgans family for a while. Everyone there was very welcoming, and...well...just really nice. I know they were just nice to me because of my parents, though. All day and all night, everything that was spoken to me started with "Oh, Amanda, I'm so sorry" or "Are you doing okay, sweetie?" or even "Hey, Amanda, I heard about your parents, it's so sad!" I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without being reminded of my parents.
Of course, everything that I had once owned was gone. All my belongings, all my treasures, they were all burnt to a crisp. So, naturally, I had no clothes, nor any money to buy clothes or to replace some small, special items that I had owned. Mrs. Higgans kindly took me out one day and bought me a few new dresses and skirts. She also replaced the blanket I had owned. One day, she even took me up to the attic. She had cancelled everything on her schedule just to take me up to their attic to see if we could find some pictures of my mom and dad. It was really nice and all, but it just wasn't the same as them being there.
Fall came, and that meant school. Well, the Higgans family didn't have enough money to send me, Emily, and her little brother to school. So, naturally, I was left to mope around the house and waste time looking out the window at the massive amount of people that went by. It was on one of these days when I was watching a poor girl trying to sell flowers that the phone rang, and Mrs. Higgans naturally answered it.
"Hello? Oh! Officer Smith! What a surprise! Amanda? Yes, she's still staying with us. Uh huh…" she paused. "I see. Thank you, officer. Yes…yes…goodbye." And with that, Mrs. Higgans hung up the phone. I was now staring at her with all the concentration I had in me, and I again felt that fear and stiffness I had felt those few months before when I had learned what had happened to my parents. Mrs. Higgans looked at me, smiled weakly, and walked over to me.
"Amanda, darling, that was Officer Smith. You remember him, right?" I nodded when she asked me this. There was an uneasy tenseness in her voice. "Well, now, he," she sighed, "he called to say that you," she looked away, "will not be able to stay here anymore." She looked back up. "They've found an orphanage that has room for you. They'll be coming to pick you up tomorrow morning."
This time, the tears started at the news. I was used to shock now, and I knew this time it was all real. I ran to Mrs. Higgans as fast as I could and hugged her.
"Please! Don't let them take me away! Please!" I kept saying this over and over again, while Mrs. Higgans, with her calm and comforting voice, was saying, "Shhhh, Amanda, it'll be all right. We'll come and visit you. Shhhhhhh. Don't be afraid." Nothing helped. Now I would be with people I would not know. I wouldn't be with my friends, and I would never see them again. Was life supposed to be this traumatizing? I never found out that answer.
The rest of the day passed in silence. It was so quiet that the quiet started to sound too loud and a piercing, ringing sound entered my ears. I spent the rest of the day staring out the window, when I saw Emily and her little brother walking home. Emily opened the door a few moments later, but I payed no heed to it.
"Hello everyone!" Emily called as she opened the door.
"Emily, may I see you in the kitchen for a moment?" Mrs. Higgans said as she wiped her hands and walked through the open doorway to the kitchen. Emily's smile immediately disappeared, and I know that she could sense something coming, and that she might have a hint of what it was. As Emily walked into the kitchen, I wished I could disappear, for I would do anything to keep from hurting my best friend.
I kept looking out the window in the parlor from the tan chair, just watching the everyday people do their everyday actions. A few moments later, I heard crying in the kitchen, and I looked over toward the door to see Emily running toward me.
She came and pulled me up by my arm from the chair, and held me by my shoulders, as though she was keeping me from running away from her.
"Is it true, Amanda? Please say it's not true." Emily was shaking as she said this. And I could only nod. Emily's eyes were all red from crying, and she started to cry once more. This time, I was the comforter.
"Don't worry, Emily, you will be able to come and visit me. Shh. It's okay." I said this even though I knew it was not okay.
After this fiasco, the house became silent once more. Everyone moped around as if their lives had ended, and it was all because of me. Dinner was also silent, just the silverware clinking against our plates. I couldn't eat, but I forced myself to swallow a few bites of my last meal made by Mrs. Higgans herself. I silently went to bed after dinner, knowing that it was my last night here and wondering where I would be the next day.
I hardly slept at all that night. I kept waking up from this dream I was having over and over again.
Wait, I take that back. I was waking up from this nightmare I was having over and over again. In this so-called nightmare, I was on the streets, walking around the city in my oldest, worst outfit I owned, which was a plain blue shirt with a simple, gray skirt. Everyone around me was staring at me as if I was from some outside planet. I had a maroon shawl around me that was fringed at the ends from being used so much. I was carrying flowers in a small, wicker basket. The words that were coming out of my mouth were not my own, and it was as if I could not control them or whom I was speaking to. I would just say, "Would you like to buy a flower?" and I would hold the flower up to people, but they would ignore the flower, and just stare at me. I was confused and irritated but I could say nothing about this. Suddenly, I turned around and a group of rich boys were standing almost on top of me. I gaped and stared up at them as they said, "'Sbout time we's clean up these 'ere streets of ours." With that, the one boy pushed me down, with my flowers spilling over the street. I was then frantically crawling around the street, trying to pick up the flowers that were crumpled and sorry-looking. As I went to pick up another flower, I saw a black dress shoe step in front of me, and as I looked up I saw this is a man. A man wearing long, black, expensive-looking dress pants, with a wooden cane for balance. As my eyes moved up, I saw he was wearing a long, black, cloak, that was waving gracefully in the mild wind that was blowing. He was also wearing a white blouse with a jet-black bow tie. And as I looked at his face, with his black top hat sitting so lightly on his head, he started to come into focus. However, as soon as his face came close to being in focus fully…
I woke with a jump, and sat up so very fast. The image of this dream was gone, and I could not remember what the man had looked like, even though I saw him over and over as this dream replayed in my mind as I slept that last, horrible night. But I knew I had to get some sleep in for the next day, so I fell asleep once again.
I woke up again, only this time, I looked around the room I had stayed in for the last while. I then turned to the window, even though the shutters were closed, and I felt safe for a moment, like everything that was happening in my life was all a dream. I saw the first glimpse of sunlight trickle its way though small openings in the shutters. I just sat for a moment, just thinking of what was going to happen that day, when I started to hear stands being pulled along the street and the newsboys and newsgirls walking to their respective areas for the day. I pulled the sheets off the bed and walked over to the window very quietly, so that I wouldn't wake anyone. When I had reached the window, I unlatched the shutters, and pulled them open, so I could soak in the bit of light that was peeking over the horizon. I closed my eyes and let my head fall backwards as I held my arms open wide. I felt the cool breeze of fall blowing all over me, and was thinking about how I had taken for granted everything that had happened to me up to that point when my thoughts were disturbed by a newsie standing on the street below.
"'Eh!" I looked down to see him staring up at me with bewilderment. "What you' doin' up there?"
I wasn't sure quite how to answer this question, so I simply asked him why he wanted to know.
" I dunno. It jus' loo'ed kinda funny, dat's all. What's you' name?" he asked as if he had a great deal of interest in what my name was.
"Amanda," I answered as loudly as I could without waking up the Higganses. "Amanda Louise Miller."
"I'se Knuckles Callahan. Nice t' meetcha," he said, smiling pleasantly.
Not knowing what to say, I changed the subject. "What are all those you're holding?"
"These? These are papes…o-or papers as you folks migh' lik' t' call dem. I'se a newsie," he said very proudly, and even stood a little straighter as he said this.
"Really?" I said as I looked toward the sun that was now making its way over the buildings in the distance. "What's it like?"
"Well, now, why don' you come down 'ere an' I'se tell ya about it " He smiled and shook his hair out of his face.
"All right." I tiptoed over to my bed and quickly put my slippers on. I then slithered over to the door and opened it very slowly, being very careful not to wake Emily in the room next to mine, yet the door still creaked loudly. Thankfully, all I heard coming from any of the rooms was when someone would simply roll over on their side or snore. I walked down the hall, skipping over all the floorboards that I knew creaked loudly. When I reached the back stairs, I held the railing very tightly and walked down them. I knew these stairs squeaked whenever you walked on them, but if I went down the main stairway, I knew I would have to make my way through the kitchen to the living and the front door, so I simply took the stairs that led right to the kitchen.
When I reached the living room and went to the front door, I unlocked the latch, turned the knob, and pulled back very, very gradually. The door was open only a foot and a half, and I squeezed out the door, and shut it. However, I did not shut the door all the way, just to make sure I would not get locked out. I turned around to see Knuckles standing right behind me and I jumped.
"What too' ya so long?" he said jokingly. "So… wha' ya wanna know?"
"Well… What do you do exactly?" I said as we walked to the stone flowerbed with a very nice edge for sitting down and hoped that this was not as dumb a question as I thought.
Knuckles chucked a little as he sat down and looked at me. "Wha' do ya think? Ya sell papes, if that's how you mean the question shoul' be taken."
I blushed a little and looked down. "No, I mean, I know that. I mean, what do you do the rest of the time?" I then looked up to see him looking at me very interested. He thought about this for a moment before answering.
"Well, you can go t' othe' lodgin' 'ouses… um… you can… go aroun' the city meetin' people and stuff like that… but mostly you just are in the lodgin' 'ouses. They're pretty nice, I guess. You hav' da goils house, an' da boys house, and a kitchen, parlor, etcet'ra. You ge' t' know da people well. They're pretty decent fo' da mos' part." He explained all this using different face and hand expressions, since the newspapers were now on the flower garden ledge, instead of in his hands.
"It sounds nice," I said as I started off into the distance towards the sun that is already half up in the sky. "What house do you stay in?"
"Well, I'se a par' of da Harlem Newboys lodgin' 'ouse. It's nice dere. I'se like it. It' jus' over a few blocks thataway. You neve' seen it?" Knuckles looks at me questionably.
"Well… no… maybe… I don't know. I probably have sometime or another, but I just haven't known it was a lodging house. See… I don't really live here."
"You don'? Then wheres ya live?"
"Well… nowhere at the moment. This is just a temporary home."
"You mean, you's move from 'ouse to 'ouse wit' you' family?"
"No… see… I don't have a family anymore." I looked back at the house and said, "These people were my temporary family… but not anymore."
"Why not? Where's ya parents?"
"They're… th-th-they're dead. They died in a fire a few weeks ago."
"O… I'se sorry. I shouldn't've brough' it up."
"It's all right," I said, bringing my face off his hand and looking back toward the sun, hoping, somehow, it would dry my watery eyes' tears.
"'Ow old is ya, kid?" Knuckles said while fiddling with his thumbs.
"10." I didn't feel like talking then, afraid my voice would crackle and get shaky.
"Ah… I see. Well, if it makes ya feels any betta', I'se got no parents. They dies when I'se was little too," as he said this, he stood up. "But… lookies 'ow I'se turned out! I'se doin' fine! Eh, well, whereabouts you gonna be stayin'?"
I shrugged at this question, partially because I didn't feel like answering right then, and I truly didn't know where I would be staying. "I don't know," I finally replied. "I'm leaving here today and I'll probably be shoved around from now on."
There was a pause. Knuckles was obviously thinking of what he could possibly say to make me feel better. He finally looked at me and said "Well, kid, if ya eve' need a place t' stay, I'd be 'appy t' let ya stay at Harlem. Dat reminds me, I'd best be's goin' t' sell dese papes, fo' someone takes my lucky spo'." Knuckles stood up and started to walk away, but turned around to look at me and said, "See ya around, kid. Oh! And goo' luck." And with that, Knuckles pulled his cap forward on his head, hoisted the papers under his arm, and walked off down the street.
I walked inside the house after Knuckles left, feeling somehow unfulfilled. The warm morning air seemed to slip from my fingertips as I stepped into to icy kitchen. I walked up the creaky back stairs, not worrying or caring if I woke anyone up, because it was mid-morning by then, and everyone would be waking up soon anyway. The sun was lighting up the city with its rays of gold and was filling the dust-free upstairs hallway, as though it was a royal chamber. I reached my room and was halfway though the doorway when I heard a faint whimper from Emily's room. I walked over as quietly as I could and peaked through the crack of the open door. Emily was sitting with her back to me, her head bent low.
I opened the door quietly, but she heard me, and jumped with a start. She turned around to look at me, and I saw her tear-stained face, with the rays of gold shining on her tears. A tear rolled down her face, off her chin, and landed on the bedspread.
I walked over to the small, wooden bed in the middle of the room and asked innocently, "What's wrong?"
Emily turned away quickly and looked at the floor. "I just can't stand to see you leave. Not now…not yet…" She looked down. "I'm just not ready to lose my best friend." Emily then burst into tears and clapped her face in her hands. "Please…please don't go," she whimpered.
I truly did not know what to do. Was there anything I could do the comfort her? I sat on the overstuffed bed next to her. There was silence for what seemed like ages, but was probably only a matter of minutes. I heard Mrs. Higgans humming downstairs in the kitchen, frying bacon on the stove. I looked at Emily and said, "Well, look on the bright side." She gave me a sarcastic look. "At least you'll get to come and visit me every so often, and maybe they'll even let me come visit you! Now, do you want the rest of my stay to be gloomy?" Emily shook her head, but her head was still down. "Let's go get some breakfast." Emily looked up at me and smiled a mischievous smile. She then swung her legs over the bed and hopped off. I looked at her, somewhat puzzled. She grabbed her pillow off her bed.
"What are you waiting for? Come on!" Emily exclaimed. She threw the second pillow on her bed to me and it hit me in the face. We both laughed, but a quiet laugh. More of a giggle, I guess. But, with that Emily dashed out of the room to the main stairway, and I followed, right at her heels.
When we reached the stairway, Emily stopped and put her pillow down at the top of the stairs, and sat on it. I did the same. I knew now what we were doing, but we had not done this since Emily and I had been seven or eight.
We counted out loud "1…2…3…" and with one big push, we were down the stairs. The bumpy ride was exhilarating and fun. I glanced over at Emily once. She was smiling her great, big, loving smile. We were almost to the end of the stairs, and I faced forward.
Emily called "NOW!" and we curled up into a ball as we hit the bottom with so much force that we kept sliding. We slid across the floor as our pillows twirled, and I hit the door on the right side of my curled up body. I got up and looked at Emily.
We both giggled and Emily said, "We've never made it all the way to the door before." I couldn't hold it in any longer and just burst into laughter, stretching myself out on the wooden floor. I wanted to savor the moment forever, so I just lay there and felt all the joy within me.
"Breakfast's up!" Mrs. Higgans called to us. I leaped to my feet and ran toward the kitchen. Emily was close at my feet.
We sat down at the small table in the corner in the kitchen. We stuffed our faces with eggs, bacon, and juice. It was so joyful, until the unwanted door knock. We all froze.
Mrs. Higgans cleared her throat and said, "Kids, I'll be right back." She walked calmly out of the kitchen to the door. Me and Emily stared at each other for a few moments, knowing who Mrs. Higgans was cheerfully talking to in the other room. They had come. Mrs. Higgans now came back in the room, escorting a man in a long tan coat, unbuttoned at the moment. He was wearing a matching hat and smoking a pipe. He wore thin glasses and looked around the house as he walked in. He glanced at me.
"Hello, Bay," his low voice boomed. "I'm sure you know why I'm here." I nodded as he continued. "We best be going. Now, say goodbye." He stood erect now, looking satisfied with his work. I looked over at Mrs. Higgans, and she nodded. I slipped down from my chair and dragged my feet up to my room. I took it all in…the creaky hall, the perfectly dusted railing, my door; all of it.
I quickly packed up my belongings, thinking it would make the pain go away. I dragged everything back down to the kitchen, where the man was sitting at the table, drinking coffee with his legs crossed. When he saw I was back, he stood up.
"Hmm…yes…um," he turned to Mrs. Higgans, "Thank you for the…um...coffee…and um…" He turned to me. "Let's go." He pushed me along, and I didn't fight it.
I went along, glancing back and mouthing "goodbye" to Emily. I felt a cold tear make it's way down my face as I wished it was yesterday.
I looked at Mrs. Higgans as she was drying her hands with her blue, black, and white striped dishtowel and she said, "Take care, honey." I turned back forward and walked out the door. I heard shoes clatter in back of me to the dining room. After being pushed into the black carriage, I turned back to the house to find Emily sitting in he window, tears streaming down her face. And as the carriage pulled away, she waved to me. I couldn't watch anymore, so I turned to face forward, to the unknown. I sighed, as I knew it was all going to be different and I dozed off to sleep.
I awoke in a cold bed. I sat up, startled, and looked around. Not long after, a large women with an accent walked into the room. She was wearing a long, light blue dress and a dirty, white apron and matching kerchief.
"Well, 'ello 'dere," she said warmly. "I s'pose you're wonderin' who I am. I'm Betsy…the uh…maid aroun' 'ere. I'se 'spose to help ya out 'ere fer now…'till ya get used to it all." She walked over to me and helped me up. "'Dis'll be yer bed." She straitened the sheets. "'Ope ya like it. 'Dis'll be yer new home…Colhan Childrens Home. Le' me show yer around." She smiled. And as I walked down the rows of empty beds and looked around, I realized that maybe this new life might not be as bad as I presumed.
