Exhale
I breath the universe in, millions of thousands of hundred of particals desentigrating to fill my lungs...and then I exhale, and the particals go back to normals, to become planets and suns and clouds...only to be disrupted again as I inhale.
I crack my eyes and stare blurrily at the green shape that is my Christmas tree. Another messed up symbol of a holiday whose meaning had been lost in the materialistic world that we called the 21st century. Eyes shut and I inhale the universe. Millions of thousands of hundreds of particals...the suns and planets and blackholes of the universe...and yes, things as mundane as the Christmas tree.
Ugh...what had I taken last night? My lip hurt and I probe at in gently with my tongue-a metal ball clinks deafeningly against my teath. When had I pierced that? Last night? And what had I taken last night?
I remember twitching...curled in a little ball in someone's house-not my own-my arms wrapped tightly around my knees, twitching. I couldn't stop, I couldn't sit still...but moving made it worse and standing was impossible. So I sat there. I try to relax, let myself go limp, loose all the tension that was building up in my body.
Someone was talking, there voice coming from afar, through the deep, tick water that surrounded me. I open my eyes, glare around until they come to rest on her. Her. What was she doing beside me while I twitched? Her mouth moved, her eyes were fixed on me...what was she saying?
"Huh?" My voice is distant-did I really say anything?
"I said, are you all right?" I could hear her this time, her voice reaching my ears with startling clarity. I'm surprised at the concern displayed in it-since when did she care? She hated me-or at least she had ever since September. Gods, that was so long ago...
"I'm fine," I rasp, losing the precious clarity I had had only a second ago. Far away voices, far away faces...
She's staring at me, obviously unbelieving. She was right, of course...I wasn't fine...I was pretty bloody fucked up-and I wasn't even on anything! I force my hand out in front of me, my eyes focusing on it. Hold still, I command it...but it doesn't listen. It's trembling like a madman...and it hurts like hell to hold it there. I drop it, tuck it back to my side, lower my eyes.
Another hand is shoved under my face-it's small, pale with delecate fingers...and two blue pills in the palm. Raise my eyes, follow the arm so I don't get lost. Her again. Where had she gotten the pills? She was straight edge! Wait, no...she was too good in bed to be straight edge...but she didn't do drugs and she didn't drink...
"What are they?" I mumble, wondering in the back of my head if I really cared. Damn, had I become such a junkie? No...not really. I rarely took anything-only when dancing it seemed...and I didn't go dancing nearly as often as I'd want.
She shrugged. "I stole them from my parents...I don't know what they are, but Rosa did. I forget what she said, but she was ready to kill for them." Gods, why did she have to talk so much? It hurt my brain...
I reach out and accept one of the tiny pills. Small, blue, with writing engraved in it's side...I can't read it though. Too blurry, can't focus. Put it in my mouth and tip my head back, swallow. It's small, it goes down easily.
Her hand is still out, second pill in it. I'm scowling-or trying to-as I take it, and she takes her hand away. I glare at the drug...the other ones either not hiting my system fast enough, or has no effect. Probably the first option-I'd only just taken it.
The floor isn't clean, but I'm at a point of utter non-caring. Hell, I think the only reason I notice such trivial details was because I'd noticed it earlier-before the twitching had started, before she had revealed the little pills. Pill on the ground...something heavy. Hard-covered dictonary works. I smash the pill then bend quickly to snort it up. My nose burns, hurts like a bitch and I rub it a few times to ease the pain. I raise my eyes. THe twitching it slowly stopping-I can see with the illusion of straight again.
She's staring at me. Oh yeah, she'd never seen me on anything before-not even alcohol. I blink at her. "Damn," her lips say without making a sound.
I look down at my hands. Yes, damn...
I inhale the universe...all the littler pills; the lights; my shaking hands...they all disintagrate and fill my lungs.
Exhale.
I try opening my eyes again, staring at the dropping branches of the Christmas tree until I have clarity-or at least enough clarity to sit up, stand up. It's a chore, not easy. I push myself to my feet, wobbling on the soft cushion I'd fallen alseep on. Perfect bed, I suppose. I step off, onto the harder floor, the carpet against my feet. Still wearing my boots-how annoying. I stagger, reminding myself how to walk, to the bathroom. I have to concentrate on each step. Pause. Inhale. Exhale. Step again.
The bathroom light flicks on-I do that, actually-and sears my eyes. Close them quickly, wait for them to adjust. Damn, I hate waking up... I open my eyes and focus on the mirror. Pale skin, bags under my eyes...the mop of fine red hair a mess around my dead-looking face. The ball of the lip piercing glinting in the unbearable light, the spider nose ring in my nostrel...it seems a little surreal. Is that who I really am?
I grab my toothbrush-my mouth tastes like shit...well, stale pills and chocolate, which is just as bad. Toothpaste-mmm...mint...It hurts to brush my teeth-the piercing I mean. I wince as I carefully run the toothbrush over my teath and the inside of my lip. I can only imagine what it'd feel like if that thing got infected-it'd better not get infected. Spit, rinse, repeat.
I inhale the universe.
Ah, another day in the life of Aura. Wonder around the kitchen, but find nothing; growl at the cat, then stare until SHE backs down; try to find some music on the radio thats not too offense-fail. Lie down again and ponder while breathing the universe.
I don't know what I ponder, lying there in the living room, eyes shut, head propped up by pillows that aren't mine. I just...ponder. Life; friends; pain...pain is nothing, you know? Just the nerves of your body being broken or hurt...it really means nothing-it's all in your head. In the right state of mind-pain can be nothing-not even a distraction. In the perfect state of mind-pain is something I desire...it's enjoyable, fun...of course, that state of mind usually happens when my body is relaxed and comfortable. Pain sustains me. I tongue the barbell through my lip. Maybe that was one reason I'd pierced it...
I exhale the universe.
No one really knows what going on in life-it's a game that you can't win. People work so hard to get money, to make themselves happy...surprise. Money can't make you happy. You have to be a pretty shallow fucker for money or material objects to make you happy. Those salepeople you see on tv infomercials? The ones with the big smiles and pleased voices as they describe exersize matchines and little, pointless statues...those salepeople are probably amung the most unhappy people in the world, going home and breaking out the scotch each night to drink themselves into a stupor-then wake the next morning and repeat it. Those Bill Gateses and rich, corrupt politicians? They find solice in small things, fake things. Sex. Amazing food. The thought that they are above most people. Stupid fucks probably get off on knowing that when they die, they can afford a large monument to mark where their decaying, maggot-ridden body was hidden. But really...who cares? They sure as hell won't... That kind of happiness is an illusion, cooked up by corperations and suburan residents to convince themselves that they, with their button down shirts and clean cars, are happy.
I'm happy. Living in a little shithole of a house, lieing beside a dead tree in my living room, tonguing the ball in my mouth...I'm closer to happy then they'll ever be, anyhow. Closer to clarity, too...
Inhale.
Sometimes, I don't want to be me...and sometimes, when I wake up with a lip peircing I don't remember, and the faint picture of my ex offering me pills in my mind...sometimes, I just don't know if I am...anyone.
Inhale. Exhale. Disrupt those so-called happy lives for a just a moment-a nano-second they will never miss, as their atoms are scrambled and sucked into my lungs. Absorb the Bill Gateses and the telemarketers and the soccer moms...let their hidden discontent fill me...then exhale, and become myself again.
I don't know whats going on. But then...when do I ever?
I'm twitching again.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
End
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